Partner keeps letting us down.

dottydee854

This is my first post about my relationship so please be gentle.

I'm confused what to do, i'm so dissapointed with my partner right now. He wanted to have a Poker night at our house on Friday, so i said yeah no problem, as long as your all sensible ect. No problem he said.

Friday night comes along and he had 8 blokes over. Again no problem with this. We have two kids, 3 and 1. Both in bed sleeping. At 11pm youngest woke up due to noise, again not a problem got her bottle and took her to bed with me. Whilst getting her bottle though, every man in the room was smoking. This dining room is also the kids playroom. So thought no won't deal with it now, Little one was shattered and so was i. 1 am comes along son wakes up, comes to bed with me, thats fine i thought they'll go home soon seeing its so late, 2am comes along, more noise bangin ect again let it go deal with it in the morning (room of 8 drunk burly men and me coming down ordering them to leave with two restless children, didn't fancy the confrontation as didn't know any of them or what they'd be like whilst drunk!) 4am comes along 3 year old wide awake scared wondering why men are still downstairs. By this point i had enough so text partner telling him to get them out now. 4.45am they left. We was wide awake so me and son came downstairs to, a dining room chair smashed, back completely crushed to pieces, the room reaked of ciggerettes, the curtains the kids teddies, the amount of bottles piled along the work top, sink floor, table, and someone had helped themselves to my pizza (ridiclous i know but they saw i had a take away and i had put it out the way thinking no one would touch a half eaten pizza and partner swears it wasn't him) crisps, crushed across the floor. Peanuts fag butts on the floor. Devestated by the mess to be honest as i love my home and he had just !!!!!!ed off to sleep on the sofa!

When i confronted him about all this he wasn't bothered he said he'd clear when the kids got up and didn't realise the time....Not only that he had lost more money when i had warned him there had to be alimit of £20.... He won't apologize and i'm fed up of being let down. The other week he left us in a park for 2 hours to go to the bookies which was across the road. I told him we'd be waiting for him as i had no keys and my phone was broken. He said ok no problem i'll only be 5 minutes. When he eventually turned up he said he didn't realise the time (favorite excuse) and that we'd still be here.

I'm worried he might be getting a gambling problem as he is doing 'placepots' at the bookies more often now.

But if it's not one thing it's another a month later, i'm getting sick of saying 'last chance i can't cope' I've tried talking, shouting, ignoring, getting angry, staying calm. Suggested counselling but he doesn't want to as it's 'too expensive'.

It's rubbing off on our son as well, he said to a random bloke on the bus yesterday 'my daddys been naughty, and had lots of men in the house' Not only is it embarressing, it made me realise my son knows more than he lets on. And i feel i'm letting him down when he sees this every month ect.

I just wanted to rant and see if people had any idea of what to do, as i don't want to have a broken family, but i can't see myself being fully able to trust what he says.

Thanks for listening and sorry for large post.

Penny-Pincher!!

I would be livid too! He's just taking the p**s to be honest and sounds like he has a gambling problem already. Maybe he's just hidden it in the past?

It sounds like you need to have a chat with each other with no distractions and you need to be honest with how you feel and maybe new boundaries need to be placed within the relationship for it to continue and work.

Its not a healthy environment for the children and they need to be priority! As decent parents we need to make sure that they are priority at all times.

Sending you a hug!

PP
xx

dottydee854

Penny-Pincher!! wrote: »

I would be livid too! He's just taking the p**s to be honest and sounds like he has a gambling problem already. Maybe he's just hidden it in the past?

It sounds like you need to have a chat with each other with no distractions and you need to be honest with how you feel and maybe new boundaries need to be placed within the relationship for it to continue and work.

Its not a healthy environment for the children and they need to be priority! As decent parents we need to make sure that they are priority at all times.

Sending you a hug!

PP
xx

Thank you PP. Unfortunatly i wouldn't know about his past, he moved from Cardiff, to be with us, so none of his friends here, he talks about casinos he use to go to and his step mum has mentioned to meabout it but i brushed it off then thinking his addiction would mean £1000's (not that we have that much) Though his ex did once say to me i'd eventually see his 'true colour's thought it was malicious trying to split us up, but now, not too sure.

I've tried sitting and talking with him, he refuses to accept that what he did was unaccapteble on both counts, im over reacting and stopping him from having a social life because i said he can forget having a poker night here again! He just gives me the guilt that 'i'm making new friends, i left everything in Cardiff for you, and now i can't even have people over for a few drinks'....

We talk about boundries every time stuff like this happens. Feel like i'm fighting a lost cause.

Thanks for the hug xxx

Dunroamin

How old is he and how long have you been together?

dottydee854

He is 24 years old and we have been together 3 years. Why? x

mildred1978

I'd suggest he move "back home" for a couple of weeks. See whether you and the kids mean more to him than gambling and his social life.

dottydee854

mildred1978 wrote: »

I'd suggest he move "back home" for a couple of weeks. See whether you and the kids mean more to him than gambling and his social life.

Hi Mildred, would be hard for him to do that, as his family are in Cardiff and he has a full time job here. But have thought that maybe asking him to leave, might make him try to change or realise how much hurt he is causing. But as i said would be hard for him to live somewhere as his family are in Cardiff.

Good advice though thank you x

Pollycat

I would be concerned about the gambling - used to go to casinos, doing placepots - but I would be much more worried about the lack of respect he's showing you and your children.

Leaving you in the park for 2 hours whilst 'he popped to the bookies'?

The gambling night you describe sounds appalling.
Do either you or he smoke in the house usually?

If not, why didn't he set out the 'rules of the house' before the night started?

How can you break a dining room chair when you're playing cards, FGS?

Perhaps he should consider spending less on poker nights & in the bookies and then he'd be able to afford the counselling it sounds like he really needs.

Sorry I haven't anything constructive to say but I just wanted to let you know that you are 100% in the right to be so angry and his refusal to apologise is totally out of order.

I hope he comes round to realising how wrong he was but if he doesn't......how many more chances are you going to give him?

londonsurrey

First of all, don't say "Last chance" unless you actually mean it. By saying that, if nothing happens, it actually reinforces to him that he WILL get away with doing unacceptable things.

This sounds extreme, and not many people can actually do it, but it will give you control, which is what you are lacking now, by relying on a man who sounds totally unbothered by it all:

- Finances - find out what you are entitled to as a single mother. Call the Citizens Advice Bureau, and they will help you find out, who to call, etc.

- Think through worst case scenarios - what if he doesn't stop? Rather than waiting for him to stop, which is what you're doing, what are you actually going to to? What are you willing to do?

It's very painful, but as I said, it is being very realistic, and the purpose is to give you control, rather than just waiting for someone to stop who shows no intention of stopping.

balmk

Not a lot of advice to give here, but didn't want to read and run - sending hugs.

You need to ask yourself what is important here; you and the kids, or the fact that he can't go back to Cardiff due to his job.

Tiddlywinks

dottydee854 wrote: »

......Whilst getting her bottle though, every man in the room was smoking. This dining room is also the kids playroom. So thought no won't deal with it now,

......2am comes along, more noise bangin ect again let it go deal with it in the morning (room of 8 drunk burly men and me coming down ordering them to leave with two restless children, didn't fancy the confrontation as didn't know any of them or what they'd be like whilst drunk!)

4am comes along 3 year old wide awake scared wondering why men are still downstairs. By this point i had enough so text partner telling him to get them out now. 4.45am they left.

......When i confronted him about all this he wasn't bothered he said he'd clear when the kids got up and didn't realise the time....Not only that he had lost more money when i had warned him there had to be alimit of £20.... He won't apologize and i'm fed up of being let down.


But if it's not one thing it's another a month later, i'm getting sick of saying 'last chance i can't cope' I've tried talking, shouting, ignoring, getting angry, staying calm. Suggested counselling but he doesn't want to as it's 'too expensive'.

It's rubbing off on our son as well, he said to a random bloke on the bus yesterday 'my daddys been naughty, and had lots of men in the house' Not only is it embarressing, it made me realise my son knows more than he lets on. And i feel i'm letting him down when he sees this every month ect.

Has your OH's behaviour changed? Is he a different man from the one you moved in with? Or are you just realising what he is really like?

I do think he may have a gambling problem - it's not normal to disappear saying you'll be 5 minutes and then be hours - particularly when your partner and children are waiting. This suggests a compulsion to stay in the bookies - he may need help.

Regarding the poker night, do you normally smoke in the house? You should have mentioned the smoking when you witnessed it - it's interesting that you didn't feel able to.

The damage caused is completely unacceptable but, unfortunately, may be 'normal' in his circle of friends.

Why did you find it so difficult to tell them to leave? Why send a text? You should not feel scared in your own home.

Your son's comments are worrying... it shows that you are arguing (or commenting about his dad) too much in front of him and it's sticking in his mind.

You also said that you are sick of giving him 'last chances' - can't you see why? Continuing to give ultimatums and then not following up on them just makes them meaningless.

So, your choices:

1. Stay - and live with the behaviour - nothing will change.

2. Stay - and try to change the dynamics of the relationship - BUT is that really possible as your OH does not want counselling and does not see he has a problem?

3. Go or ask your OH to go - even a temporary break might focus his mind that things are going wrong.

The bottom line is that you have to have the confidence to know what you want and try to shield your children from the worst of what happens.