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jayII

xoxo2012 wrote: »

He has been on/off self employed since we met some months really well others not so well - however he says his money is his business and i shouldn't ask about it. So i don't really ask - i just know that now he is telling me he has no money, which id understand if it wasn't for the fact hes still spending on other things.

Hes made it clear to me regardless if i change the name or not he wants the house gone - he just keeps saying he hates it its caused nothing but trouble its not his and he doesn't want to live there even if i changed the deeds.

So...his money is his and is his business? But your money is also his and is his business? :eek: Where are your rights in all this?

He's manipulating you. If you were my daughter I'd be very worrried too.

However, only you know all the nuances of the situation and only you can decide where to go from here. Could you take some time out to reflect? Maybe stay at your parents or go away with a friend for a week or two.

Buying a house is one thing and I think you've done amazingly well to be where you are financially. You should be very proud of yourself! But you're very young to be caught up in such an intense and complicated relationship. Be very careful honey!

mogwai

Hmm the fact that hes got a problem with this setup so soon after completion rings alarm bells with me.

Have you considered that when you were looking for houses, put in the offer etc he was expecting all along that you would make him joint owner straight away, despite what you may have discussed? You seem like a very generous person and perhaps he was expecting that you would end up making him joint owner despite the fact that he hadn't contributed anything.

And when he realised you hadnt done that, hes now trying to manipulate the situation so he can gain from it somehow - im sure he realises how much buying and then selling this house has/will cost you, maybe he is hoping you will decide that its easier to put him on the deeds than sell so soon after buying.

I wouldnt trust him tbh, how do you know he has been telling you the truth about his financial position, what he earns when he does find work etc? Is it all him telling you this, or have you seen evidence of it?

At best, he's selfish and controlling, and is willing, no, insisting that you lose considerable money because of his issues.

Here are the options I would give him:

1. I will rent out the house and we can find somewhere to rent together
2. I will sell the house and you will cover the losses and we'll start afresh looking for somewhere that we'll BOTH contribute to

BTW one thing I dont understand is if he didnt have the money to fund this place with you together, why is he insisting you sell up and find another place to buy together? Has he come into enough money for the deposit suddenly that he didnt have a few months ago? Ask him to lay out his vision of what he wants to happen now, and ask him to be transparent about where the money for this change will come from, inc the deposit for a new place.

Unless he has discussed with you how he will contribute to your new place together, it sounds like he is abusing your generous nature and trying to take advantage of you. Don't let him, however much you love him now, being taken for a ride by someone will cure you of that fast. Good luck, please keep your wits about you and dont let him emotionally blackmail you!

BitterAndTwisted

He didn't want to make the commitment of joint-ownership but I suspect that he assumed he'd be a co-owner in any case and now he's realised that he's not.

If he was committed to you and your relationship the issue of precisely who owns the property right now wouldn't be a consideration. Purely by him making a contribution towards the mortgage-payments and all of the household bills would allow him to stake a claim on the equity if you split up in the future, so you're better-placed right now that you could be several years down the line.

I wouldn't give in to his blackmail. He appeared quite happy and/or disinterested with the arrangement, with absolutely no financial commitment or contribution on his part, and now he's decided that he's not. Let him go. Get a lodger if you want or need the company or some rent coming in. Continue to date him or not as you see fit.

paddy's_mum

xoxo2012 wrote: »

however he says his money is his business and i shouldn't ask about it

This little snippet alone is raising the hairs on the back of my neck and clanging every alarm bell I have until I'm nearly deafened by the roaring inside my head.

DANGERDANGERDANGER, OP, and his attitude is just confirming it. :eek:

jayII

paddy's_mum wrote: »

This little snippet alone is raising the hairs on the back of my neck and clanging every alarm bell I have until I'm nearly deafened by the roaring inside my head.

DANGERDANGERDANGER, OP, and his attitude is just confirming it. :eek:

Me too! My gut feeling is saying that the OP should RUN! FAST! :eek::eek:

paddy's_mum

xoxo2012 wrote: »

(he is not) taking this seriously at all

Oh, he's taking it seriously alright, sweetheart!

If ever a bloke knew he was on to a good thing, it's this unfair little fraudster.

He's got an agenda of his own and you are the one expected to fund it.

Go talk, in honesty and depth, with your parents. There's no loss of face in having a narrow escape and if you were my daughter, I'd be bending over backwards to keep you out of financial quicksands.

Good luck and listen to your gut instinct for it's rarely wrong.

Mojisola

xoxo2012 wrote: »

Maybe that is the case i just find it difficult to accept that he thinks its fair for me to pay both our way.... all the shopping everything all the bills, because he will buy himself expensive clothes, spend money on his cars and i end footing the bill for everything. i just dont think thats him taking this seriously at all.

xoxo2012 wrote: »

My parents are worried have been for a while now,

i know what i would advise someone else to do if they came to me with the same problem however i find it difficult because i love this bloke .....

ive done everything and changed everything and it seems he is unwilling to contribute or compromise. But will let me entire life and financial situation go down the toilet.

Dunroamin wrote: »

You seem to be absolutely dazzled by this man who seems to many of us to be an absolute con artist!

Dunroamin has summed it up!

If you were my daughter, I'd be so worried about you! Please listen to your parents and your own common sense. Whatever you feel for him, he does not love you.

BitterAndTwisted

xoxo2012 wrote: »

Hes made it clear to me regardless if i change the name or not he wants the house gone.

The absolute truth is that the house cannot just be got rid of just like that.



Think about the money which will be lost forever:

Estate-agent's selling-fees of between 1% and 2%

About a grand's-worth of conveyancing fees.

Moving expenses.

And that's just the bare minimum. He's self-employed, so should you decide to go ahead and apply for a joint-mortgage with a Deed of Trust to protect your unequal deposits there's no guarantee that you'd qualify for a mortgage.



Given what you've told us about how much you have been carrying him financially in the past and have continued to do so, I would be hearing whatever he has to say with a great deal of mistrust.

Tell him that you'll revisit the idea of joint-ownership in a couple of year's time once he's been able to made an equal contribution towards your total living-costs and has managed to save up a significant deposit.



Otherwise he should take it or leave it.

xoxo2012

Thank you xx

xoxo2012

Ive tried making him aware of the costs involved to sell this property - it just isn't feasible. The fact hes expecting me too says it all really.

This isn't the way a relationship should be i guess Ive been avoiding that for a while.