..

xoxo2012

My other half is 29 and has lived with partners before etc so i honestly didn't realize it would be an issue, in the past he has been the one who paid his partners way and his name has been the owner of everything. I feel like he cant stand me having anything at the moment

xoxo2012

Renting the house out to move to a rented property would be an option. I'm just worried now thinking i could do all of that and it may still not be good enough. It may not make him feel any better.

I have asked him if he would please accept the house is already purchased and try and make the best of it for a little while and then i would sell and we could jointly do what he wants - he said he cant stay for any amount of time cause it simply isn't his. Given he has left it so late to tell me how he feels im in a pickle! If he would have made it clear before i signed contracts i would have dropped out.

Jinx

xoxo2012 wrote: »

I simply cannot make it a joint ownership without a contribution - if that was available and what he wanted then i would gladly arrange for the deeds to be changed and rectify the problem. Id be simply stupid to do it without it being a equal thing.

He has also said he knows he has taken a risk telling me how he feels - i appreciate he could have bottled it up and continued without me being any wiser.

I have no option if i want him to feel happy and i want our relationship than to leave the property - i just feel deflated and upset that it has got to this point and nothing was said before hand hes admitted he felt like it since he said to put the offer down. I only wish id known sooner because as everyone is aware these days property isn't in a good place and its a lot of money too loose.

I hate to sound money orientated however its a harsh truth that i stand to loose a lot of money from my good intention to please my OH.

I think we are all with you on the first statement And with that in mind I dont think any of us would judge you harshly for sounding money oriented - its a large consideration in life and a major factor in divorces etc And we all work so damn hard for it!

I think where you lose me personally is you saying you have to leave the property. If he knows (which I am sure you have explained or he realises already) that you will lose some serious cash where is he making up for that? If you are sacrificing something to make him happy is he saying you will buy jointly in a year, is he giving a solution for the future? IMO you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking (financially and emotionally). Forgive my bluntness but once you give up the house I wonder if something other 'issue' will appear. You sound sucessful and have a direction in life, I wonder if he envys/resents that?

ETA cross posted with OP.

OP you can rent at 21, my daughter did so in London.

jayII

xoxo2012 wrote: »

My other half is 29 and has lived with partners before etc so i honestly didn't realize it would be an issue, in the past he has been the one who paid his partners way and his name has been the owner of everything. I feel like he cant stand me having anything at the moment

Do you know this is true or are you relying on his word?

Something else is going on here, no genuinely loving and caring partner would ask their much younger other half to do what he is asking of you. Selling and buying houses costs a lot of money, particularly in a recession.

To put it bluntly I think he is selfish, immature and controlling and is throwing his dummy out of the pram because you're refusing to meet his demands, i.e. give him a half share in your property.

You've bent over backwards to please him, now I'd suggest it's time for an ultimatum: put up, shut up, grow up and start contributing financially, or move out and find his own place where he can feel 'at home' at no extra cost to you.

HeatherintheHills

Sounds to me as if he is pulling your strings to see how high you will jump for the love of him. It is an arrogance thing and you are right to be cautious.

If he had doubts at the offer stage he owed it to you to say so, especially if it was his choice of house. It is too late for him to change his mind now when the cost of that mind change is all yours. At 29 he should be a little more adult than that. If he has supported previous partners what has changed? Why isn't he able to contribute/have capital any more?

You say you have pets and that makes renting difficult. He is at home during the week and you are away working. Are they your pets? Is he doubling up the emotional blackmail? Him and (the care of) the pets for half the house? You had an ideal life envisaged and he is undermining it just when you thought you had taken a major step towards it? That isn't the sort of thing a loving partner does.

Call his bluff. Don't move and take back your plan to transfer any of the property to him. If he wants to share he must earn it.

I'd say you were very wise if you came back here and told us you were letting him go on his way.

xoxo2012

Jinx wrote: »

Forgive my bluntness but once you give up the house I wonder if something other 'issue' will appear. You sound sucessful and have a direction in life, I wonder if he envys/resents that?

ETA cross posted with OP.

OP you can rent at 21, my daughter did so in London.

Thank you for the information im glad to understand renting out would be available to me as an option. I think he is expecting me to take the hit regards the money. At the moment i am also wondering if even if i did everything possible to rectify this issue if there would be an another issue soon arise - i feel utterly at a loss

Barneysmom

Is he insecure - he sounds it?
Maybe he thinks that because his name's not on the deeds you could tell him to leave at any time?

Whatever, I think he seems to be a bit controlling and I couldn't stand that.

Sit at the table with him, and do all the sums in a writing pad so he can see how much money you'll lose by selling up.
A year is not a long time, and if he can't wait a year then he knows where the door is.

TBH if it was me, I'd get him out fast.

It takes a few months to buy a house so why didn't he save any in that time so his name could be on the deeds as well if it's so important to him.
Is he saving now, because if not he'll never afford a place with or without you.
I think you two are at different stages in life and you are the one who's shown any kind of maturity. You have a lot to lose. He is starting to control you and it worries me, what else will you have to give up to stop his sulks? Friends, family?

xoxo2012

JayII : )

I am relying on his word about previous responsibilities with previous partners. I simply give into quite a lot of the demands as they do not involve me loosing so much money - however this is such a serious financial thing i know i would be so foolish to give into this one.

I feel i have no other option really but to give an ultimatum - much as i love my OH surely he must realize what this cost me emotionally and physically - he could have voiced this feeling he has way before the house completed.

I will probably loose my relationship but i see no real other option - i could rent and move with him to another place but it wouldn't be joint ownership like hes saying he wants - it would be rented in his name. 20 steps backwards from the position we could be in if he could learn to live with me owning the property or contribute even and make it ours.

Jinx

Hes had time to think about what he wants and has then told you how he feels - maybe you need some time on this also..... Could you go back to him, say youve heard his thoughts and you will mull it over and discuss again in say a week?

I think you could do with some real life input on this, do you have a friend you could discuss with that knows you both, or a parent?

I am actually gobsmacked that you put your partner is 29, I was presuming he was your age and allowing a little immaturity into the mix... Actually makes his wants even more unreasonable.

xoxo2012

Thankyou heatherinthehills -

The pets are his. Given his age and the previous information he gave me i also cannot figure out why he isn't acting a little better than this or why things have suddenly changed. I thought having a partner that works and contributes would please him - he makes out like previous relationships he paid for it all and his EXs didnt work. I am very unsure of his intentions to be honest right now - i thought i was making a good position for a future.