..

xoxo2012

Paddy's mum - i fear there is more to meet the eye with why he is doing this also... the more i think about it the more none of it makes any sense to me. no logical sense. not the demands hes making anyway.

FBaby

Just for clarity, what is his professional position? What did he do before you got together? He must have been paying rent AND bills, so surely when you got together and you started paying all the bills, he would have been able to put some money aside? (or did you decide to buy together soon after you started paying the bills in his place?

Why can't he contribute 50% of the mortgage now?

What did you discuss before moving in together? Did be believe that his name would be on the deeds? Did you discuss how you would handle the deposit? Did you discuss what your joint budget was, who would pay what/how much?

It sounds like the discussion that should have taken place in depth didn't really happen. The fact that he couldn't put a deposit down shouldn't have been a stopper for him to be joint owner. You could have sorted it with the solicitor that you would have got your full deposit if you decided to go separate ways. Could it be why he is angry? Maybe he feels manipulated. If it means so much to him (and fair enough for you not to have consider the impact on his feelings as not everyone feels the same), surely the cost of adding him now on the mortgage/deeds is worth doing for the sake of your relationship?

Saying that, if he is now saying that he still can't consider his house his even if you do add him to the mortgage/deeds now because of what happened, he is acting like a baby and needs to wake up that selling and buying elsewhere now with all the costs involved is plain ridiculous.

I still do get the feeling though that he had never envisioned that he wouldn't be a joint owner to the property, otherwise, why would he now be putting all his toys out of the pram?

BitterAndTwisted

If the house is in your name only then the very best thing you could have done is not to accept a penny from him that could be later construed as rent/contributions towards the mortgage. That would enable him to make a claim on a share of the equity of your home.

His attempt to change the goalposts when it's all a done deal is very worrying indeed.

Let him move out and rent somewhere else as this would be a fair less risky option for you. I most certainly would not bow down to being coerced by him in this way. Blackmail is an ugly word and a very ugly thing but that's precisely what he is attempting. Do not be browbeaten or you could risk losing everything you have worked for.

FBaby

xoxo2012 wrote: »

i wont have an investment for our house whereas in a few years we will have if we at least try with what we have at the moment. well i suppose with what i have. i call it ours and he insists on calling it mine - technically it is but its not how i see it or my intentions.

It might not be how you see it or your intentions, but very much how it is. Have you thought what the consequences would be if something happened to either of you? If he were to pass away, you still have YOUR house, if you were to pass away, he would loose what you expect him to see as his house, expect that legally, he would have no right over what he is supposed to learn to consider his.

This is what I have tried to explain to my partner. It would be like fostering a baby. I would care for him, look after him well, but if I was told there is no garantee I could one day adopt him, then I wouldn't let myself become attached to him or show him motherly love. That's how I feel about the house.

We agreed initially that he would change his will to reflect this, but now is saying it is pointless how we will be married next year....

xoxo2012 wrote: »

I also feel an ultimatum is going to have to be the answer - i cant expect him to stay somewhere hes unhappy but he knew how he felt and let me buy a house for us that he is trying to now get me to get rid of after a month. just all a bit too much

i hope all goes well for you

Will the ultimatum be accept that the house is on my name only and we are not moving or go, or would it be ok for his name to go on the deeds, but not to sell and move?

clearingout

jayII wrote: »

Do you know this is true or are you relying on his word?

Something else is going on here, no genuinely loving and caring partner would ask their much younger other half to do what he is asking of you. Selling and buying houses costs a lot of money, particularly in a recession.

To put it bluntly I think he is selfish, immature and controlling and is throwing his dummy out of the pram because you're refusing to meet his demands, i.e. give him a half share in your property.

You've bent over backwards to please him, now I'd suggest it's time for an ultimatum: put up, shut up, grow up and start contributing financially, or move out and find his own place where he can feel 'at home' at no extra cost to you.

I agree with Jay. There is something not right here. If he doesn't work and has been in and out of work, how can it be that in the past he has supported his partner?

My now ex husband has a property before I met him. I moved in there with him - and didn't get put on the deeds until some 7 years later when we bought a house together and had children. I never felt it was 'his' house - it was 'ours' from the day I moved in (although I was in a position to contribute financially which is perhaps the difference, but still...). He may be suffering a case of 'male pride' but what is he doing about getting a job? is he trying to find work or is he just moaning at you about moving house?

He sounds incredibly controlling and unwilling to pull his financial weight in the relationship. You do need to seriously consider your options.

Finally - on a different note - you seem very caught up with the idea of financial equality in the relationship and are defining that (I think) as making 50/50 contributions. That's rarely realistic in any relationship - people's career choices can lead to wildly varying salaries, particularly over a lifetime when things such as children, illness, redundancy, re-training etc. all come into play. I am left wondering if you're really ready for long-term commitment and all that long term commitment to another person entails?

xoxo2012

We had many discussions regards the deposit - cost of house - which properties we would like our budget all of that .... most of the time he said he wasn't interested as long as i just told him what he needed to pay he said he didn't really care. Which wasnt really helpful but i still kept him up to date with everything from house insurance to mortgage the lot ... gave him plenty of opportunities to say no or have his say.

He has been on/off self employed since we met some months really well others not so well - however he says his money is his business and i shouldn't ask about it. So i don't really ask - i just know that now he is telling me he has no money, which id understand if it wasn't for the fact hes still spending on other things.

Hes made it clear to me regardless if i change the name or not he wants the house gone - he just keeps saying he hates it its caused nothing but trouble its not his and he doesn't want to live there even if i changed the deeds.

you are correct in saying yes it could have been drawn up that the deposit i paid for to cover myself and also have him on the deeds but when i tried discussing all these options with him he just said he wanted me to go ahead and by it that way he had no ties if he wanted to go or had too then he could without being tied down by the deeds. However now this all changing.

If id only known how he felt two months ago all of this could have been prevented, im a little confused as to why he wasnt very interested before when we discussed it - was fine with all the arrangements and now the money is spent and its done its becoming a major problem.

I wouldn't pay to put him on the deeds because i offered it all from the start, it would cost a fair amount to now do it money i haven't got ( redecorating new bathroom etc) if he met me half way or at least offered to contribute towards it i would - it just seems hes happy for me to pay for everything and wishes to pay nothing yet have everything including half the house.

Technically he would have been saving money yes when i started paying bills - but he wont discuss his money with me bar telling me he hasnt got any to help towards bills.... i personally think he just doesnt want to pay a penny towards a house or bills he has no right too legally. i cant blame him for that but he should of made me aware because now ill be left with it all when i got it simple for us and him.

It may all sounds like my idea i don't know but it was purchased with the intention of being our first step on the ladder... we said we would go joint on the next one and i thought everything was ok but obviously not.

Its catch 22 - i don't want him to be unhappy but also now i have this rather serious matter of loosing a lot of money and us both looking absolute fools to family friends and each other because he knew all this before we moved - if he makes me try and sell it ill loose a lot of money (hes not bothered about) stress/hassle all which he thinks wont happen - he honestly thinks in a week i could sell it and get us another one .... he forgets we have nowhere else to go now.

I really dont know why the toys are coming out of the pram so late down the line - i honestly offered him every option of purchasing he didn't want the commitment of joint ventures and now all of sudden that's changed.

Its difficult because as you've said you feel the same way sort of that you cant settle and feel you have no right .... i mean how can i expect him to stay when he feels that way.

xoxo2012

FBaby - i offered him his name on deeds with the condition of its noted i paid the deposit hes demanding i get rid of the house. first the ownership was an issue now ive offered joint the house is the issue .... this is what i just don't understand.

I understand what your saying no matter how i look at it the truth is it is mine - annoying thing is it was all discussed before hand an nothing was mentioned and now im expected to change it all when he demands. If he would have just said on any occasion we spoke that this wasn't what he wanted id have backed out.

very confusing

Dunroamin

xoxo2012 wrote: »

I only stayed in his rented house 2 nights a week however i insisted on paying rent to which caused a full scale argument so instead i paid all the bills gas/electric/food shopping/fuel etc cause i just couldn't go not paying anything. If he would have took the cash i tried to give him towards rent i would have happily paid it - his rent was considerably lower than the mortgage payments he knew i was taking on for us - however i have told him if he is unhappy not to pay towards payments. i also made clear when the house is eventually sold every penny would be going into a house in joint names like he is now saying he wants.

Call me a cynic (you won't be the first) but it sounds to me as if you've been paying far more than half of the rent and an absolute fortune for accommodation for just two nights a week!

You seem to be absolutely dazzled by this man who seems to many of us to be an absolute con artist! I hope he's bloody good in bed because he certainly doesn't seem to have much else to recommend him!

xoxo2012

clearingout wrote: »

Finally - on a different note - you seem very caught up with the idea of financial equality in the relationship and are defining that (I think) as making 50/50 contributions. That's rarely realistic in any relationship - people's career choices can lead to wildly varying salaries, particularly over a lifetime when things such as children, illness, redundancy, re-training etc. all come into play. I am left wondering if you're really ready for long-term commitment and all that long term commitment to another person entails?

Maybe that is the case i just find it difficult to accept that he thinks its fair for me to pay both our way.... all the shopping everything all the bills, because he will buy himself expensive clothes, spend money on his cars and i end footing the bill for everything. i just dont think thats him taking this seriously at all.

i understand what you've said about that rarely happening its just if he has all this money to spend on himself why should i go without to pay everything - especially when he now demands i sell the house to please him. If he was at all appreciative of anything i really wouldn't mind but it seems now like he isnt... i don't know if that makes any sense. I also have to pay bills to accommodate myself at work and he knows all this so he knows hes leaving me in a little bit of a sticky situation. all which was discussed between us before i went ahead and did this

clearingout

hun, you need to listen for the alarm bells which are ringing very loudly!!!! adult, lasting, quality relationships are ones where you can share, where cards are always on the table and where each person knows what is going on in the other person's life.

You have no idea what he earns.
You have no real idea of whether or not in the past he was actually supporting his girlfriends or not.
He is happy to let you pay for everything. And moan about it.
He wants half of what is legally yours without making any kind of financial commitment to your relationship.
He is attempting to push you, blackmail you, bully you (all three) into your hard earned money for the sake of your relationship.
He makes purchases for your joint home, stands over you whilst you're at the bank signing up for a mortgage. And moans about the outcome.

He's a bullying control freak who is seriously threatened by a woman who is capable of managing without him. Get out now.

Google the following: narcissim, bullying in the workplace (as it will ring bells), sociopath, psychopath and then come back and tell us whether it rings true or not...