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xoxo2012

Barneysmom wrote: »

I think you two are at different stages in life and you are the one who's shown any kind of maturity. You have a lot to lose. He is starting to control you and it worries me, what else will you have to give up to stop his sulks? Friends, family?

Hi Barneysmom!

Yes it took a long time to purchase the property this is why i cannot understand in all that time why he did not say sooner. I have given up a lot i.e friends/family/social events etc - i should probably heed this as a huge warning to myself. I have tried every possible way to please my OH - i simply cannot budge on this one.

I think he needs to accept the house and change or go - he never realized how much buying a house cost until i explained and he still thinks Ive hardly spent anything and you are correct it would cost just as much if not more to try and sell now.

Thank you for your comment and advice. I am glad i posted on here now - i am starting to make a little sense of the mess in my head : )

xoxo2012

JINX -

Yes im going to have to have a very long think about things i think - his age to me only makes it seems more unreasonable also. I understand his need for security his want to be involved etc but all he has to do now he has left it so late to tell me is enjoy this house together for a year or two and then it could a joint venture together - if he had only said sooner this all would never have gone through.

He certainly picked his timing.

HeatherintheHills

xoxo2012 wrote: »

Thankyou heatherinthehills -

The pets are his. Given his age and the previous information he gave me i also cannot figure out why he isn't acting a little better than this or why things have suddenly changed. I thought having a partner that works and contributes would please him - he makes out like previous relationships he paid for it all and his EXs didnt work. I am very unsure of his intentions to be honest right now - i thought i was making a good position for a future.

Oh dear. It sounds as if he is really having problems with the inequity in your earning power. It is unlikely that his opinion will change but he may become accustomed to the life you provide for him while making you feel ever more guilty for providing it.

You have just bought a house, I'd start telling him you need to replenish your savings before doing anything that is going to cost you yet more money. And be a lot less generous with him for a while.

xoxo2012

thank you that seems like the best option i have and it will show a lot if he isnt willing to understand that.

At times he will gain work and earn a considerable amount more than me however i do all the food shopping and never see a contribution in that respect either - it seems i give give give try and create a future for us all be it i understand how he feels about the house and he wishes to carry on as if he has his own things to continue with.

right now its managed to make me feel like it is all my fault and very guilty for doing so. I think i possibly need to try and look past my feelings for my OH and find out if there is a future in this for us. it cant be just me all the time really - and what hes asking me to do is financially ridiculous.

Barneysmom

Give yourself a bit of time, and think about what you want from your life, not what you think you shouold do for him to make him happy.

paddy's_mum

I really, truly, pray that I'm wrong but I just have this awful, nagging, gut feeling that the reason for the sudden pressure to have/buy/obtain joint ownership is because there's another woman somewhere behind the scenes.

Why would anybody in an apparently loving, giving relationship start rocking the boat this badly when they must realise that they'll end up swimming too if it all goes wrong.

OP - why do I get the feeling that he's upping the ante to test just how far he can push you?

He's already cost you (you say) friends and other intangibles. Now he wants you to throw (or donate to him!) another huge chunk of something-or-other on his say-so.

These are all hallmarks of a bully. I think you need professional help from a counsellor. I certainly think you need to take a long, deep breath before jumping to the commands of this unpleasant sounding Ringmaster.

Barneysmom

Op you are younger than my daughter.
I would hate to think she was with someone like him xx

FBaby

Something doesn't ring right.... you say that he was in rented accommodation and you didn't contribute towards the rent, so clearly he paid it all. What can't he pay towards the mortgage now?

Could there be a big misunderstanding? Could it be that he understood that you would put the full deposit down, but you would still be co-owner, with the understanding that you would be entitled to your deposit back if you separated, and the rest split 50/50, with both paying half the mortgage? Then you find yourself in front of the mortgage lender, he can't get on the mortgage (why not?), so you take the full mortgage yourself, and then only put your name of the deeds. Could it be that he thought the mortgage would be on your name, but both names on the deeds and him paying his half? Could it be that he is now saying he won't contribute towards the mortgage because his name is not on the deeds, very much like you were not paying towards his rent before?

To be honest, I totally understand how he feels. My partner and I were supposed to sell our properties and buy together. We struggle to sell respectively, so in the end, agreed that I would rent mine, and we would move to his after extending it. We were then supposed to have the house revalued and my name added to the deeds/mortgage...except that this is not happening. He is telling me there is no point because we are getting married next year, but like your boyfriend, I can't feel at home and get attached to it if I have no right to it. I pay towards the mortgage and the bills, but a couple of months back, he let slip referring to it as payment for rent. I challenged him, he said it was just words and shouldn't read anything behind it... He is very proud of his house and invest quite a bit to it. I don't and he gets upset about it. We are stuck in a vicious circle in that I believe he thinks I shouldn't be entitled to the house if I don't care much about it, whereas I keep trying to explain to him, I can't let myself invest in something and get attached to it when I could lose it all tomorrow. I am leaving it until the new year, but I will then to give an ultimatum. I don't want to marry him to sort the house out, marriage has nothing to do with it, I just want my name to be fairly added to the deeds with an fair agreement on entitlement if we separared (with him obviously entitled to a lot more).

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your partner. If it is the case as you seem to believe that he understood that his name was never going to be on the deeds, and only suddenly decided that he didn't like it, then he will have to be patient, sort out his finances/job so he can be added to the mortgage and contribute. If however he was let to believe that he would be, and if it only came out that he wouldn't be on the deeds after the mortgage was signed, then it could very well be that there was a serious lack of communication, or you let him on unfairly.

xoxo2012

FBaby i can understand completely where you are coming from but no there was no mixed communications he saw all the paperwork he came to the bank etc - he knew he could pay half and be a joint owner or if he couldn't pay half a deposit he wasn't going to be joint owner. I couldn't afford to loose as much as the house cost me by paying for us both. He also couldnt afford so he told me to go 50/50 into the house. I would have waited for him to save however he was adamnt we had to move and we had to do it soon and i had to find somewhere for us both to live. i don't really understand the reasons why he wanted to get out of his rented accommodation so badly but he wont discuss it.

I only stayed in his rented house 2 nights a week however i insisted on paying rent to which caused a full scale argument so instead i paid all the bills gas/electric/food shopping/fuel etc cause i just couldn't go not paying anything. If he would have took the cash i tried to give him towards rent i would have happily paid it - his rent was considerably lower than the mortgage payments he knew i was taking on for us - however i have told him if he is unhappy not to pay towards payments. i also made clear when the house is eventually sold every penny would be going into a house in joint names like he is now saying he wants.

I completely understand how you feel regards putting money and effort into something you have no right too - this is exactly what he has said also. i only wish he would have told me before we completed on it. hes waited to tell me till its too late. I offered to change the names but explained this costs money and also i paid all the deposit (that could be drawn up in an agreement) however he is now saying the house is the problem and that its mine regardless whether i legally make him a joint owner or not.

Property just seems such a nightmare! but then so does my partner at the moment.

He also feels he cannot be comfortable and settle into the property just ive tried every option of making it ours and he is making it so i have to sell it .... just wish he could see what a mess that will leave me in - i wont have an investment for our house whereas in a few years we will have if we at least try with what we have at the moment. well i suppose with what i have. i call it ours and he insists on calling it mine - technically it is but its not how i see it or my intentions.

I also feel an ultimatum is going to have to be the answer - i cant expect him to stay somewhere hes unhappy but he knew how he felt and let me buy a house for us that he is trying to now get me to get rid of after a month. just all a bit too much

i hope all goes well for you

xoxo2012

Barneysmom wrote: »

Op you are younger than my daughter.
I would hate to think she was with someone like him xx

My parents are worried have been for a while now, i know what i would advise someone else to do if they came to me with the same problem however i find it difficult because i love this bloke ..... ive done everything and changed everything and it seems he is unwilling to contribute or compromise. But will let me entire life and financial situation go down the toilet.