In relationship with a " live for today man "

Savvy_Sue

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Weeeell, maybe a little over the top there.

I can't help feeling that JoJo isn't posting anything which hasn't happened to her, and I suspect it started much as the OP's first post: reluctance to apply for a job that isn't 'the' job and so on.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

If he was a total dope head, then yes, possibly, but he isn't, he's just someone who knows which side his bread is buttered.

True, but it seems to me that his attitude - as described by the OP, to be fair, so possibly not the full story - isn't that dissimilar. He wants this, he doesn't want that, he regrets the other - but what does he DO about any of it? Pontificates, puts the world to rights, and still focuses on what HE wants.

thomas22

Before dumping him give him a last chance and if still he is the same then pack your luggage and say good bye

Mojisola

Does he realise that he's on the verge of losing you? If so and he still won't take steps to get his life into gear, he doesn't value you very much, does he?

BugglyB

I agree with the other poster who said that he probably would do the job at lidl, but knows he has next to no chance of actually getting it, so is pretending he's not interested. He sounds depressed to me.

No-one on here can tell you what to do. How far to go in supporting him and how much you can cope with.

Whatever you do don't marry him until you're sure!

Mojisola

MiddyMum wrote: »

He then says, that he will never feel secure " financially" as savings, a mortgage, equity etc doesn't make him feel secure.

He said "nothing makes him feel secure in life as he was given up by his own mum and dad"

So, I said that we need to make more of an effort for our daughter,and he says nothing.

He then says, the reasons why he doesnt want to save is because when he is in a "bum f*** job he hates, spending money on things he enjoys is the only thing that makes him happy, whats the point in leaving it in some savings account" He said that little gem at the end of a 2 hour conversation.

I officially give up. I am exhausted this morning. No more.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to hang around much longer!

Lots of people have had a far harder life than he has. You can let your past define you and keep blaming everything that goes wrong in your life on stuff that has happened or you can start with what you have and move on. It doesn't sound as if he has any intention of moving on.

Lotus-eater

Ask him how he's going to live when you split up. Is he planning on living on benefits? Because he'll find as a single man, you don't get much.

BugglyB

I could really say either of two things:

1. He sounds depressed, insecure and like he has mental health problems. He clearly has difficulty in social situations and with close attachements - to you, to his parents, to friends. He sounds sad and scared and alone.

2. He sounds like a selfish freeloading lazy git and he doesn't deserve you, get the hell away from him.

Probably neither/both are entirely true? Does it matter? Either way it doesn't change the reality of what you are going through at the moment. If you decide to leave him, you don't need to justify it to anyone.

Errata

He doesnt reach out to any of his friends and I am so lonely, it is deafening now.

And where are your friends in all of this? Do you have any?

KateLiana27

MiddyMum wrote: »

He said he would go wherever I go, but It has taken me a while to convince him to move to the locations I want to go too. Manchester & Sheffield are my definates so far. He used to call these places " dumps " and only wants to live in places like Oxford etc where the rent is sky high. I cant afford to live in these places, the rent there makes me want to cry! He then said, he would rather poke his eye out then live in Wolverhampton/Birmingham (a couple I have been considering). Wow, I didnt know the lidl grad scheme paid that well. I even said to him I wish I had his degree so I could apply for it myself. I even like the Mcdonalds grad scheme but he laughed at me when I suggested it. I dont understand why he doesnt want to use his degree to go for these jobs, fair enough they are only Mcdonalds and supermarkets but I so wish I could go for them.

Side comment. Having lived in both Oxford and Manchester for more than a decade in each, the choice will be between living in a dodgy dump in Oxford and a lovely house in a nice area of Manchester. He clearly doesn't have a clue, about this or anything else.

I am usually very reluctant to encourage people to leave the parent of their child. But in your case, you sound like such a together, hardworking, positive person with a great attitude, and he sounds like such a lazy has-been... I can't bear the thought of him dragging you down into loserville. Get rid.

balletshoes

MiddyMum wrote: »

I am so lonely, it is deafening now. People usually think I have lots of friends, because I am so bubbly, big smile etc but the the truth is, I dont make social arrangements anymore because in the past he has been very stand offish when people are in my company. For example, he wouldnt be false. If he didnt like someone, he would make it known and this makes me uneasy. So, I said that we need to make more of an effort for our daughter,and he says nothing.
He then says, the reasons why he doesnt want to save is because when he is in a "bum f*** job he hates, spending money on things he enjoys is the only thing that makes him happy, whats the point in leaving it in some savings account" He said that little gem at the end of a 2 hour conversation. I officially give up. I am exhausted this morning. No more.

Do you have friends who are just yours, friends who you can and do meet socially on your own, without your OH? You don't have to be joined at the hip, my OH and I each have our own circle of friends, some of whom we meet together as a couple, but some of whom we never do. If you don't feel you can trust him to be socially tactful with your friends, don't invite him. Most folk won't mind or care.

His last point to you in the conversation yesterday - he's not even in a job he hates - and if he was, and wanted out of it, hows that going to happen if he has no money at the back of him to keep him going if he feels he needs to leave his job because he just can't hack it anymore? How is he going to reach his aspirations without money to back those aspirations?

I do agree with what someone else said earlier too - if he's serious about getting a career which caters to the degree he's already done, then he needs to realise that he will have to work his way up to it, just like every other graduate. So in the meantime, he gets a job, makes some money, and helps to support his family.

Its easier to get a better job when you're already in employment.

But I suspect you've already discussed this all with him, yes? No wonder you're exhausted, it must feel like you are hitting your head off a brick wall.