In relationship with a " live for today man "

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sounds like you might be in receipt of benefits. Try sounding him out about what happens if the JCP says your money is stopping, like it has for some with contributions based ESA, but for example, it's only paid until the child reaches 3 years old.

If he says 'have another kid then', I think you can see the sort of life he wants for you and your child. A life on benefits, one with no property, no choice about where you live, moving around as and when benefits levels change, no stability or security.

But he'll always be able to afford his ten pound draw, Rizla and tobacco.



Your choice.

Lotus-eater

He sounds like some of those kids on an X factor type thing "what will you do if it doesn't work out singing" , "it will work out, I cant do anything else"

"I wanna be rich, I wanna be famous, I don't want to work for a living"

Lotus-eater

He's a dreamer isn't he? I bet he's attracted to get rich quick schemes.

FBaby

Could it be that he feels a bit used? You wanted a child, you had one, you now wanted to study, this is what is happening, but what about what he really wants? Could he be that his attitude is the result of feeling that his life is being pulled away from what he wanted and that you are putting pressure on him to do what would allow you to reach your dreams?

You are very ambitious and this is great. Understandbly, you want him to be too, to contribute towards your dream of a nice career, financial security, a home of yours, whereas these are not what would ultimately make him happy. He is much older than you and his aspirations might be very different. If that is the case, you need to decide whether you are above all a couple and therefore need to work together in terms of what you want together so both reach some level of happiness with sacrifices and no resentment, or you decide that you are set in terms of what you want to achieve, and if he is not prepared to follow you in that direction and you are not prepared to compromise, than going your own way is really the only way.

Lotus-eater

MiddyMum wrote: »

He does spend a lot of time pontificating, and putting the worlds to rights. It endeared me to him 4 years ago, but now I am just bored of it.

I think that's hit the nail on the head there, to a love struck 21 year old, he must have seemed magical and different.
Now you are growing up, developing and he is staying the same.

You want more, he is what he is.

Savvy_Sue

MiddyMum wrote: »

Yeah, my fiance likes the weed too...Ive had many arguements about it. I have given up now. Although, his supplier has moved away so if he wants some he has to travel 2 hours to get it and I refuse to give him the train fare for it.

I know you say he hasn't smoked for 6 months, but I find it hard to believe that there's anywhere in the UK you couldn't get the stuff within half an hour, if you wanted it. How sure are you he isn't still smoking?

I'd recommend counselling, you can go to Relate even if you're not married, and you can go even if he won't come with you. You clearly want different things, and someone outside the situation may be able to help you see what you want.

I'd personally be really concerned that you might move to one of these so-called 'dumps', you're relying on him for support with childcare while you study, and he decides to swan off back to ... who knows where.

But then I don't see how you're going to get through 13 hour shifts if he gets a job and / or doesn't want to be a SAHD.

Mojisola

MiddyMum wrote: »

I am trying my hardest today to see if I could just accept that he is like this, and I will just work while he stays at home.

Why would anyone want to?

Lotus-eater

MiddyMum wrote: »

Because I think despite all this, he is not a nasty man. He is very kind, affectionate all the usual stuff. And its his ways with money that frustrate me. Since my little girl has been born, I have saved £850 in the two years she has been alive....by putting £10 here and there into her account. He hasnt put even a pound into her account, but just says " You havent given me her account details " when I bring it up! But then the other day he did go into town and buy her some new clothes with his first Job Seekers Allowance, and he will take her to the beach and for long walks, to the library etc. He also pulls his weight in the house, cooks, cleans, irons even. When I tell my friends this, they think I have it good so this is why I feel like I am in the wrong. :-/

Because everyone is different, because they don't have to live and plan a future with him?

Did she need the clothes?

londonsurrey

MiddyMum wrote: »

Because I think despite all this, he is not a nasty man. He is very kind, affectionate all the usual stuff. And its his ways with money that frustrate me. Since my little girl has been born, I have saved £850 in the two years she has been alive....by putting £10 here and there into her account. He hasnt put even a pound into her account, but just says " You havent given me her account details " when I bring it up! But then the other day he did go into town and buy her some new clothes with his first Job Seekers Allowance, and he will take her to the beach and for long walks, to the library etc. He also pulls his weight in the house, cooks, cleans, irons even. When I tell my friends this, they think I have it good so this is why I feel like I am in the wrong. :-/

You're in the wrong if you are deciding that he is the wrong man for them. Do they want him?

FBaby

MiddyMum wrote: »

I am using him? Seriously, that couldn't be further from the truth jeez.

I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. It's not that you are using him in a manipulative way, but that you have your life plan, your ambitions, and you expect him to have the same, or at least to support you completely around them (getting a decently paid job, moving to where you will go to uni etc..). That is totally understandable considering your age, and you are absolutely right in the choices you are making for yourself.

The thing is, your partner is much older than you and it sounds like he has already been through the planning his life and seen things not working out, so he is in a different position to you. That doesn't mean that he isn't lazy (he is), or kidding himself (he certainly is), but whereas you are planning your future, feeling positive and full of energy, he might be focussed on the past, what he hasn't accomplished, and feeling drained of energy.

All I'm saying is that your partner could be lacking enthusiasm and ambition because of feeling low/depressed and seeing you so determined could just make him feel even more inadequate about where he is now career-wise.