In relationship with a " live for today man "

thehappybutterfly

He's a bloody snob! He wants to live the life of the rich and lazy - he just doesn't have the money/land/family to fund it! I fear he's so far up his own !!!!, he'll never see the light of day.

Middymum - you sound so sensible and switched on (if only I'd had half the sense when I was your age!) - please don't let this man bring you down to his level. He sounds jealous of your plans - hence the bringing you down and dissing your choices of where to live. He's very lucky to have you.

You've got a tough choice to make. You clearly love him and want him to be part of your future but he needs to face up to the fact that unless he changes his attitude and sharpish, he's gonna get left behind.

Good luck!

Slinky

Get out quick whilst you still can.

This man has a great sense of Entitlement. Sadly for him, the rest of the world doesn't seem to be much interested in what he thinks he's Entitled to.

Decide where it is you want to move to without regard to him, he'll turn up anyway if you don't show him the door.

If all the employment stuff is just too much beneath him, why doesn't he set the world alight with his own business? Or is that too much like hard work also?

Elvisia

This sounds like my mum and dad - Dad always lived life as a single man, spending money than came into his pocket and then blaming society for him not having any more money. Mum saved up her money and had a good work ethic, she ended up paying in cash from the money she'd saved for half their house. Dad couldn't even pay off the rest of the house with the mortgage (which was £50 a month!!) as he was too busy spending the money on himself. They are now retired and he sits there saying how well he's done to get himself a big house like this (it's a 3 bed semi, not massive) while mum wants to whack him round the chops with a frying pan. She was in your position fifty years ago and made the decision to stay with him in the hope he'd change, but men don't. If you really want to work on the relationship go to Relate (you have to pay sadly), there may be issues with depression or self esteem on his part. But if you are on here because you're wondering whether to stay with him or not then maybe you should consider what happens if you say "not".
You are enabling his behaviour by not letting him suffer the consequences of his actions, it seems you are making all the decisions and he's just sitting there say he doesn't want to do that, and then you run around him again. So you can change your behaviour and say you're doing xyz and he's either with it or not, and see what he does. Until there is a real and genuine threat to his lifestyle changing he may never buck up and make a difference.

Lots and lots of luck with it all!!

rpc

MiddyMum wrote: »

I dont understand why he doesnt want to use his degree to go for these jobs, fair enough they are only Mcdonalds and supermarkets but I so wish I could go for them.

Supermarket store managers can earn six figures. Retail management, especially in something as complex as a supermarket, is not to be sniffed at.

Justicia

Elvisia wrote: »

She was in your position fifty years ago and made the decision to stay with him in the hope he'd change, but men don't.

Totally agreed, except the part above.

I am not even coming from a "that's sexist!" point of view (:P) - more a viewpoint of that statement appearing as an excuse for the kind of behaviour that the OP is experienceing with this particular man.

Getting stuck with this kind of individual is a choice for the partner to make - I know what I'd decide if the sexes were reversed and I found myself with this decision.

As others have said - OP; I wish you the best! Make sure that you follow and fulfil your own dreams!

charlie3090

middymum,
I am 50 years old, i am 6 years into my second marriage and both my
husbands are/were just like your man,
I work 50 -60 hours a week while hubby works 24 and moans that hes
tired.
Please take time and think about what is going to best for you and your daughter,the years fly past and whilst i have a reasonable standard of living etc i always wonder what would have happened if i had met a man who was willing to pitch in, i expect i would have had house paid for ,holidays etc but i will never know now because i settled for what i had.I wish you all the luck in the world and i really think you are gonna do just fine in life,
C x

rainbowfairydust

OP -I am just going to agree with what everyone else has commented on. This man is nothing but a waste of space & a leech.

I am sorry to have to say that because he is your daughters father but the very fact you have posted about your fears says it all. Leave him. I understand it will be hard for you & your daughter but there are groups you could attend. You can do so much better for yourself & for your daughter. Staying with him is teaching your daughter that his behaviour is acceptable.

Well done YOU for taking the steps to secure a better future for yourself & your child. :beer:

Sending you a hug

Mojisola

MiddyMum wrote: »

He said he would go wherever I go, but It has taken me a while to convince him to move to the locations I want to go too.

Manchester & Sheffield are my definates so far. He used to call these places " dumps " and only wants to live in places like Oxford etc where the rent is sky high. I cant afford to live in these places, the rent there makes me want to cry!

He then said, he would rather poke his eye out then live in Wolverhampton/Birmingham (a couple I have been considering).

For heaven's sake, don't choose your uni on the basis of his attitude towards a city. Go for the one that does the course that suits you best.

While you keep adapting your life to suit him, you are enabling his wastrel ways. If he can't grow up then you need to seriously think about leaving him.

FBaby

It sounds like his getting a bit close to potential stardom got to his head and he never got back to the land of reality. He had dreams of a life of luxury without having to lower himself to mondane jobs, and it sounds like despite having lost his chance, he still thinks he is beyond it.

I very much doubt he will ever get out of this mindset if he hasn't done so now, but to be fair, I think you are a bit quick to put all the blame of being irresponsible on him when it sounds like you are not very responsible as a couple. You don't say what you were doing before you met him, but you chose to start college only 2 years ago. You also chose to have a baby when your man was doing his degree, and you were relying on both loans and benefits.

I think you either need to get out of the relationship and start supporting yourself and your child, or if you want to stay with your partner, you need to look at it from a couple perspective, not just expecting him to support you and your child. The priority should be him finding a job and supporting his family, with you adapting your studies around the job. Can't you do your degree part-time whilst working part-time?

belfastgirl23

I must admit I'm a bit taken aback by all of the 'dump him' comments above. A partner isn't like a fridge, you don't just throw it out because it isn't working I think for the sake of your daughter it's important to try to find a way through this. I say try though because it might not work.

It sounds like you have been the one coming up with all of the answers and solutions and telling him what to do really. And I know this has been driven by frustration that he won't take the initiative. But unfortunately all this does is reinforce the patterns that you have already laid down where you do all the planning and he just lives for today.

I guess for me the first thing is to really tell him what you are feeling. But to think very carefully about how to talk to him about this. Try to think of ways to say it using the 'I' word rather than the 'you' word. Don't make it about his behaviour, that way you go straight into defence and attack mode. At the end of the day this is about you and the way you want to live your life. He wants to live his life in a different way. And it's about you talking properly about this and finding the places you can compromise (I say, having thought to myself that I would live in Birmingham only if there was no where else in the entire uk to live )

At the minute his dreams are pipe dreams. But it sounds like your alternatives are so far away from his interests that you are effectively forcing him to be someone he isn't. Is there an in between option, a job he can do that perhaps doesn't play to his history degree but will work with other interests. And could you accept it if he just does a job for money that perhaps doesn't pay very well and has limited prospects?

I suppose where I"m in disagreement with other posters is that if this is basically who he has been for your entire relationship, is it reasonable for you to expect him to change. You have a particular set of expectations of him - how much of that is fair? For my money, the fact that he's prepared to follow you to another part of the country to facilitate you studying is a factor of him not being ambitious- that's not something my high achieving husband would even consider doing. So there are swings and roundabouts here.

If he is basically a good man, who loves you and your DD and you love him, then you need to figure how you can build a life together that allows you both to be the people you are. Easy to say but not easy to do. But if you do it, it's worthwhile!

Good luck.