In relationship with a " live for today man "

Errata

MiddyMum wrote: »

He does spend a lot of time pontificating, and putting the worlds to rights. It endeared me to him 4 years ago, but now I am just bored of it.

So you fell in love with who he was and because he hasn't changed to who you want him to be you've become irritated with him. Have you changed to fall in with what he wants?
Anyway, what's wrong with him being a stay at home dad whilst you carry out your grand plans.

Elle7

Errata wrote: »

So you fell in love with who he was and because he hasn't changed to who you want him to be you've become irritated with him. Have you changed to fall in with what he wants?
Anyway, what's wrong with him being a stay at home dad whilst you carry out your grand plans.

He said earlier on that he didn't want to be.

Even if it wasn't his career goal, he doesn't seem at all supportive towards the OP.

He'd drive me scatty, I think.

lostinrates

while he pontificates about how society is all wrong, as we have to work to pay our way etc etc. Yet, he would just simply move into our brand new house. without contributing anything towards it. His lack of concern for an improved quality of life worries me. I agree to a certain extent about the treadmill like nature of society, but there is not a lot we can do about it and I worry that if I live like he does,

Huh?

Some might argue the exact opposite, that had he had to work to provide for him self he might be more fulfilled now. In previous Eras he might have been in a poor house by now, debtors prison, on the street, or in a much earlier period of time, if you could not catch the meat you could not eat it.

I wonder if in truth he is dispondant, even depressed (note that he might smoke) and finds motivation hard as a way of avoiding failure iyswim.

In anycase, he is full of twaddle but has charsma to get so e people to listen from what you say.

Also,i am not a parent, but have to say it concerns me if you and he are genuinely the only people your daughter sees and speaks to even at her tender age. If you do not have family you need friends both to pit your own lives in perspective, to moan to, to help and to keep your little ones horizons not only as broad as her father might consider his, but as clearly seen as you are now viewing yours.

thehappybutterfly

MiddyMum wrote: »

He does spend a lot of time pontificating, and putting the worlds to rights. It endeared me to him 4 years ago, but now I am just bored of it.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think that's hit the nail on the head there, to a love struck 21 year old, he must have seemed magical and different.
Now you are growing up, developing and he is staying the same.

You want more, he is what he is.

And there's nothing wrong with that. You were quite young when you met him, you weren't a mum, now you are. He was doing all the right things when you met him, getting a degree (albeit not a very useful one but still....) and now he appears to be going backwards never mid stagnating. You've literally grown apart.

OP, you need to have a frank talk with your partner. Get it out in the open about what you both want as individuals - forget about the plans you've been making as a couple. What do you want? What does he want? And see how both plans fit together. Are they at all compatible? Can there be compromises on both sides?

Sometimes people get to a point in their lives when they're absolutely stuck and just don't know what they want. Your partner must be kicking himself for not making a different degree choice but he's got a degree which is more than some people. If he wants another one, one that he can use, he can do it part-time but, for the love of god, he has to get a job in the meantime! The harder he works, the quicker he can move on to something more to his liking.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

OK. I'm going to be blunt here.

IF you are willing to accept it, this is the life ahead for you;

Living in short term lets, your best chance of housing is if you cannot find a new rental that accepts LHA, you are faced with sleeping on the street and the council stick you in a B&B for a year - then you get a two bed flat in a high rise on the same floor as the crack dealer and the woman who gives blow jobs in the stairwell for her gear for just ten years before you are expected to find your own home without benefit involvement. Your daughter will know exactly what heroin looks like prepared for injection as she steps over the chasing foils every morning on the way to the worst performing school in the area, where she spends a lot of time either being teased for living in a dump or seeing everybody else has the same future - school, then JSA, then babies or a job on a supermarket checkout before babies.

She'll also be able to roll perfect spliffs for her mates and might even be able to sort them out with a J if her Dad's not looking as she passes the ashtray.

You will look 45 before your 34th birthday, he'll be looking like he's about 65. If he's still alive then, as spliff is associated with a far higher incidence of lung cancer. You may be lucky and he's just sat on his behind because he can't carry around his oxygen stuff easily. You do all the housework as he can't physically manage it, or anything else.


You'll never own anything of any note, a decent car would be out of the question as somebody would vandalise it if it were parked outside through jealousy. If he hasn't used it to drive to his dealer and wrapped it round a tree, leaving your 11 year old daughter to come home to an empty flat, with no money for the electric keymeter and no milk in the fridge because he needed to get his spliff. (and since when does spliff not require tobacco, by the way?)


As you keep on leaving the house to look for work (but can't afford to take any jobs because they make the rent absolutely out of reach for you and you never got that degree you wanted because he refused point blank to look after your daughter whilst you went out and did stuff without him), he decides in his spliff induced paranoia that you must be going out to pick up strange men. So you end up not taking so much care with your appearance, so as to stop him moaning. So he moans that you still go out. You reduce the amount of times you go out. You have no friends, he puts them off. And you stink of his joints, even though you can't actually smell it yourself, everybody else can. As does your kid.


You have no chance of being a homeowner, you've never been on holiday, you never got married, you never had a career that you wanted. And his life is crap because you can't fund his interest in computer games, internet pornography and the gas bill money that he chucks at your daughter to get her on his side has resulted in you moaning at him, rather than saying isn't he fantastic for handing over the money to make her happy.


Or he got bored with the whinging and found himself another 20 year old to impress with his endearing comments upon how crap everything is.

You got upset, but then went to college, got your qualifications, got your job that you love, you struggle but you have your first home, your child and your future. Assuming he legs it before you lose your chances at life.



Like I said. It's your choice.

Lotus-eater

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

OK. I'm going to be blunt here.

Like I said. It's your choice.

Weeeell, maybe a little over the top there.

If he was a total dope head, then yes, possibly, but he isn't, he's just someone who knows which side his bread is buttered.

Kalama

If I'm honest OP, it sounds like you are already starting to build up resentment towards him and his attitudes to life. From what you have said, I think you are perfectly justified in this.

No matter how good a father he is in terms of doing things with your daughter and helping round the house, the fact that he doesn't seem at all motivated to try to provide for his daughter is worrying. You have said he doesn't want to be a SAHD, however he also doesn't seem willing to work. I can't help but compare him to my BIL, who has dreams of what he'd like to be doing, but in the meantime works whatever job he can get (often more than 1 or 2 at a time) so that he can provide for his daughters.

I can also understand you finding his attitude towards his studies frustrating. I am currently doing a history degree full time as well as working 41 hours a week and would have loved to have the time he did to dedicate to it. It really does sound like he has serious motivational issues! If I had spent my study time watching films, pontificating and arguing with my tutors then my husband would have had serious words and probably stopped supporting my studies!

I agree with pretty much all that Lotus-Eater has said, especially that it sounds like you are growing and moving on and he really isn't. I experienced something very similar when I was in my very early 20s and made the decision to leave the relationship (no kids though). I have never regretted it, as I would never have acheived what I have now had I stayed.

I would echo what many others have said here - you need to sit down with him and lay out your concerns. You need to discuss your joint future and also your plans for your future and see how he reacts - that will probably tell you a lot about how things may go.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

FBaby

It sounds you are left with 2 choices get on with you're plans and ambitions because if you didn't you would resent him for holding you back any way or put your relationship first, accept that he is going through a hard time personally finding himself etc...and that he needs all the support you can give him. Do remember though that one day the roles could be reversed would he support you psychologically if it happened?

timbo58

Well we all know or have known people the same.
I have advertised jobs recently for data entry short term contracts at £6.50 an hour and had people with honours degrees (and not just one or two either!) so a 2:2 isn't worth a bean in the job market at present.

Experience matters more to me as an employer and his wouldn't even get his CV a 2nd glance.

He knows damn well that he would be lucky to even get an interview for Lidls thats why he pretends it beneath him to apply: it's all pretence, he has little chance of getting his application even taken seriously.

You are stuck with a waster by the sounds of it, he isn't going to mature now if he didn't when you gave birth, sorry.

Tish_P

I hope things work out for you Middy!

If he's not an ambitious guy, but happy to do most of the housework, could he be a SAHD most of the time, but save himself from boredom by volunteering (perhaps putting his music skills to use)? That way he gets some fulfilment and sense of purpose while contributing non-financially to the household. It sounds like, with the career you have planned, if you stay together you will eventually be the main breadwinner even if he does get a job. If he's OK with supporting you in that, and you can still communicate and compromise, maybe you can work something out where neither of you feels pressured or exploited.

If your life goals are simply incompatible, though, move on - at least you found out young.