Found out by accident 14yr old dd smokes

suki1001

squidge60 wrote: »

Tbh i thought she could talk to me (within reason )i think thats
partly why i feel about it like i do.:(


I had my moments when i was a teen but still said no when it felt wrong (think injecting)but i was older i guess than dd is now.
I feel the same as you wouldnt want to go back to being a teen and it feels like its alot worse now being one sooooo much pressure in certain areas.

Said to her about being vulnerable when going out now and when she gets older clubbing etc but now question if shes taken any of it on board .

You think you have thought of everything but maybe not

I know, I'm dreading it when my dd gets to that age. Perhaps though, if this is handled in a positive way and she sees you can help her and guide her rather than judge. Maybe even explain you know how hard it was for her to tell you, even though you're hurt you felt she could lie to you, it might help heal the rift you feel with her. I think it's nigh on impossible to get it right.

I hope you can resolve this, she sounds like she's a nice girl despite this incident.

suki1001

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I felt bad, but I also felt very alone. It's hard to explain but everything I did seemed to be about her, but it wasn't.... it was about ME!!

I think we must have had the same mum!!

squidge60

suki1001 wrote: »

I know, I'm dreading it when my dd gets to that age. Perhaps though, if this is handled in a positive way and she sees you can help her and guide her rather than judge. Maybe even explain you know how hard it was for her to tell you, even though you're hurt you felt she could lie to you, it might help heal the rift you feel with her. I think it's nigh on impossible to get it right.

I hope you can resolve this, she sounds like she's a nice girl despite this incident.

Thnaks for replies
She is a really nice girl thoughtful loving etc (i see that as part of the problem though).
She lacks confidence i think sometimes (even though she would convince you she doesnt.)
And i agree getting it right is another thing

claire16c

Im not sure the wrinkle thing will work with a teenager, because that will seem a long way off to her. But smoking can make you get spots around your face particularly chin and cheeks because of all the dirt. So Id say that instead.

Desperado99

Oh, I forgot to mention earlier........

DD (11) is asthmatic and at her last annual check-up was told by the nurse how much worse she would be if she smoked, I don't know if that is relevent to you.

I really feel for you, I would be devastated if DD took up smoking. My mum died aged 52 from lung cancer after smoking for most of her life, I really don't know how I would handle it if DD started.

squidge60

Desperado99 wrote: »

Oh, I forgot to mention earlier........

DD (11) is asthmatic and at her last annual check-up was told by the nurse how much worse she would be if she smoked, I don't know if that is relevent to you.

I really feel for you, I would be devastated if DD took up smoking. My mum died aged 52 from lung cancer after smoking for most of her life, I really don't know how I would handle it if DD started.

My dd is lucky asthma is not an issue for her.

I am sorry your mum died at such a young age

Hopefully your dd knowing the history of your mum not take smoking up.
Thankyou for posting i dont know what else to say x

cottonhead

I guess there is double dissapointment here - that she smokes and she lied to you. If you can then show your daughter the effect of smoking and how it can ruin your life - maybe not now but in the future. My nan smoked for years and every time I caught her ( she wasnt a haevy smoker and always smoked outside etc ) I would tell her its not good and she should stop. She lived to 83 but it was throat cancer that killed her in the end and her death was a horrible one. She told me there and then that she regretted every single cigarette. Back the I guess they didnt know the dangers but now we do perhaps showing your daughter the truth rather than just saying its bad etc might help a bit. Empahasise you are unhappy not because its illegal or she is too young but that she is damaging her body and you dont want someone who is so precious to you to damage themselves. I think you also need to remember that although she is only 14 stopping just like that will be hard just as it would be for an adult so seek some professional help if you have to. Also cheap tobacco is probably worse - goodness knows what is in it. I saw a programme once and they showed tiny bits of glass in it and also fertilizer ! Make sure she knows all of this so at least she is making an informed choice. I would also poit out that there might be peer pressure but what sort of person thinks its fine to damge their body and encourage someone else to do the same ? Not a very smart one and actually she will get more respect and better friends but showing she can make up her own mind and make cleaver choices rather than just follow the crowd.
I wouldnt withold her wages thats a seperate issue. She needs to be taught that hard work equals reward. She will get cigarettes one way or another if she is addicted anyway and its better that she pays for them then gets them by some other worse means.
Perhaps have a special day just the two of you and reconnect and learn to talk to each other. Perhaps you could confide in her about something so its a two way channel and doesnt just seem like bossy old mum nagging!
I hope things improve.

suki1001

squidge60 wrote: »

Tbh i thought she could talk to me (within reason )i think thats
partly why i feel about it like i do.:(

PS I wouldn't beat yourself up about this - I don't know any child who wouldn't find the smoking and lying the most difficult thing they've ever had to admit to a parent. Even if they were really close to them, they know the reaction is not going to be a good one.

It's if she found it easy to tell you that I'd worry

onlyroz

I like the idea of stopping her pocket money and making her do her own laundry. I don't think you should take away any money she earns though.

thehappybutterfly

McKneff wrote: »

Im a smoker, so not pontificating.

The time to stop for her is now before its got to her.

Educate her by showing her via the internet what it actually does to your body inside, graphic pictures, tell her to sit down with the internet and take notes for 15 minutes every night for a week.

I wish somebody had educted me when I was 14. All I got was
'its bad for your lungs' nobody told me it was bad for 'all' of me.
Bones, lungs, blood, hair, early wrinkles, etc etc etc.

I'm another one who thinks stopping her from going on the school trip is OTT, nothing to stop you telling her you are considering it though.
And I would have a word with the school, so they can be vigilant on this school trip.

^^^^This

Try and find loads of pictures of girls looking really trashy with fags hanging out their mouths, pics of bad teeth etc.

I'm not a technical person, I don't have a smartphone etc but I know there's an app which "ages" you but I'm wondering if there's one that shows you what smoking will do to you?

I wish I could send you a photo of a woman in my office who looks 10 years older than she is because of ciggies. Fags and caffeine - that's what she lives on and her breath REEKS.