Found out by accident 14yr old dd smokes

squidge60

stormbreaker wrote: »

My son is now 20. I found out he was smoking when he was around 16. I cried for a week. I am a non smoker and his Dad quit years ago. This was a boy who could not stand the smell of smoke and often hid his grans cigarettes.

I knew the reason he was smoking. It was to 'fit in'. Something he never did at school.

He is at Uni now and a number of his close friends smoke. He says he has stopped and I take his word for it.

I never punished him. He never got pocket money. He has always had a part time job from the age of 14. To my mind, he was earning it so could spend it or save it. It meant he has learnt the importance of money and how to budget on his own.

I would not stop him from going on any school trips as I think the majority are very worthwhile.

I think if you try to control her she will rebel like most teenagers, she will think she knows everything and what do her parents know about anything.

Glad to see i am not the only one to cry about it.!:(

Dd is very academic and seems to struggle socially so i believe this is a classic "fit in":(

spugzbunny

squidge60 wrote: »

I wish i had been educated i smoked for 20 yrs plus before i stopped smoking so extra gutted really.:(
She is squeamish so maybe another route to go.
Will be telling her we are considering the trip .

Trouble is its ok getting the school to be vigilant but i feel its more about who she hangs around with and trying to get to her
so she can say no (peer pressure and all that).

Incidentally, I'd say don't jump to conclusions about peer pressure. I started because I wanted to try it and then I liked it. Of the people I knew who smoked, most started after me and we are all well educated, non-trouble makers all with successful jobs and degrees now. We weren't the rough kids and it wound me up no end when my mum suggested my friends were a bad influence!

pinkclouds

I'd say... let her know you're deeply disappointed with her behaviour. Punish her for the lying (personally, I think the lies hurt more than the underage smoking) - ground her and/or stop her pocket money. Her wages are her own - they'll disappear fast enough if she smokes and you stop funding her "going out" money. The school trip is presumably educational, or related to a school activity e.g. hockey tour, so that is nothing to do with this. And let her know that you'll support her whenever she's ready and willing to quit smoking. I hope there's no peer pressure involved because it's easier to quit with support. If no/few friends smoke, then she'll find it isolating - always having to go outside and/or away on her own to smoke. At that age, she won't enjoy being on her own and that will do more than anything you say. Frankly, if it's at all possible, the fastest way to get her to quit would be to line up a non-smoking boyfriend!! But there's no way she'd let you match-make for her!

bluenoseam

I'm with snowyowl on this one, I watched Dad die of cancer when I was younger despite never having smoked in his life (Grandparents smoked like chimneys) and that put me off them for life! (ironic given my own fight with the big C!) Hearing from people undergoing chemo/radiotherapy is pretty harrowing stuff, especially the ones who're really suffering through it.

If i'm lucky enough to have kids it's the one thing I dread, they can come home at 15 and say "I'm pregnant" or "my girlfriend's pregnant" but smoking, no that's a no-no for me.

squidge60

spugzbunny wrote: »

Have you thought about talking to the local shops? Explaining to them that your 14 year old daughter is smoking and you are concerned where she is getting them from?

I still get IDd now, shops are very hot on not getting fined.

Just make sure you don't make it too obvious or dd will be a laughing tock.

My mum found I smoked in the exact same way as you did DD. She found fags (age 15), I lied, said they were a friends. A few hugs and sniffs later and I 'coughed' up! Still smoke now and I wish I never started. I'm 29

Shes not buying it from shops shes getting it i believe from friend she knows and its from abroad.

stormbreaker

Idiophreak wrote: »

I think I'd leave the trip as a "stop smoking and you can go" -

Thats a difficult one as it is blackmail! and not truly appreciated unless you follow it through which gets harder as the holiday date gets closer!

When my sons were roughly 6 & 3, I left them with an elderly relative who complained about their behaviour when I picked them up. Once in the car I announced it had been my intention to treat them to a McDonalds but they could forget it now.

My eldest piped up.... thats not fair you should have told us beforehand. My reply, sorry but you should know by now to behave. I don't do bribes, I do rewards! You now know that you have missed out. You wont make the same mistake twice.

Both still remember the incident til this day!:D

squidge60

My dd is getting the tobacco cheap (abroad)so by letting her keep her wages she wont feel it the same as if she were buying from a shop.

Just wanted to point out to people who have said "let her have the wages"she wont see the money dwindle the same as if she bought from a shop.

Idiophreak

stormbreaker wrote: »

Thats a difficult one as it is blackmail! and not truly appreciated unless you follow it through which gets harder as the holiday date gets closer!

It's not really blackmail...bribery, maybe...

Blackmail would be my other option "stop smoking, or we'll tell all your friends you're a compulsive bedwetter and they'll need to keep an eye on you overnight while you're away".

stormbreaker

squidge60 wrote: »

Dd is very academic and seems to struggle socially so i believe this is a classic "fit in":(

Sounds VERY much like mine. He drank a lot too! He has admitted now how much he truly hated school and he was subjected to bullying. However the problem was not the the same people bullying him but numerous people would make comments which he would take to heart. Many would not realise the adverse effect they were having on him. Or appreciate he was hurting because of it.

squidge60

Idiophreak wrote: »

It's not really blackmail...bribery, maybe...

Blackmail would be my other option "stop smoking, or we'll tell all your friends you're a compulsive bedwetter and they'll need to keep an eye on you overnight while you're away".

Haha if i did that she would never forgive me.:D