Found out by accident 14yr old dd smokes

squidge60

I am gutted i naively thought we had such a good relationship talk about anything/everything
She lied and lied saying it was her friends tobacco not hers!

So i feel upset tried so hard to have something i never had with my mother .....:(

Anyway oh and i have decided we are not funding her habit so pocket money is going into a savings account.


She will be doing some work in the holidays so i thought about taking what she earns off her and when she wants something she has to account for it is that abit harsh (havent spoken to oh about that one yet)

She is meant to be going abroad with the school its costing a few hundred and now we are thinking about cancelling it.

So wanted peoples opinions on this please dont want to go overboard but not letting her off lightly either.!

Stephb1986_2

I think keeping her pocket money and work money is fair enough but not letting her go away with school is a bit much.

I think it's something all kids try out I did for a few weeks but I'm a non smoker I know plenty of people that have tried it, if you go too overboard on her she will only carry on to spite you.

Steph xx

Taadaa

I agree, don't be too harsh on her - otherwise she has no incentive to stop. If she has nothing at all, then she may as well just carry on doing as she likes.

Do you know why she started? Is it a peer pressure thing? Who has been selling them to her?

kiss_me_now9

Keep her pocket money and her wages away from her - but she'll probably get them off friends. Stopping her going on a school trip is just going to alienate her from you, you could say though that if she has money to throw around on fags (and now has disposable income) that she needs to pay a percentage of the school trip?

Try and get her to use the money she'd be spending on cigarettes productively, like every week it goes into a savings pot and at the end of the month she go down the shops and buy a piece of clothing she wants?

Mojoworking

I was 14 when I started smoking and 29 when I stopped and regret I ever started - but as far as I was concerned my parents knew nothing and were just stupid - if someone who I deemed "cool" had said to me to stop I would have - but I was a sheep and followed my mates.

Is there anyone else who can speak to her?

I think your doing what you can as far as the money is and you need to get her before she is addicted as it is a hard habit to break.

I don't think your going overboard - she can pay for the holiday herself or buy fags - her choice, good luck, I was a proper nightmare.

Faith177

I started smoking at 16 when I went to college. I thought I was so clever hiding it from my mum. Anyway I got a little drunk at a family do and asked her if she would be shocked if I asked my Uncle for a ciggy. She replied "No i've know for ages you're not as smart as you think, All I'm going to say is your dad would have been very dissappointed in you as one of the things that he never wanted you to do was smoke"

Well being a total daddy's girl (we lost him when I was 5) I quit that night cold turkey (I know now she totally played me but it bloody worked!:(). I lapsed a couple of times over the years but only one here and there and none in ages.

Maybe you could try some reverse psychology on her?

I agree with her pocket money thing as for her wages I think that might be a bit harder as she could always withhold some money back or she might just decide not to work. Also if she is buying them out of her own money she is might hopefully realise how expensive they are. When you're spending someone else's money you don't really think about it. When it's you're own and you know how much work you put in for it it's a whole diffrent ball game

The school trip is a no no though I think that's going to far she will just think you're out to get her and ruin her life (she is 14 you know what girls are like at that age) and that's not going to get you anywhere

Decluttering

I can understand putting the pocket money into a savings account and having her account for any spending from that but I think taking her work money is a bit unfair. Surely it doesn't count as funding her habit when she's earned the money herself? Plus I think she would find it hard to stay motivated if the money she earned was taken off her before she could enjoy it.

I think taking away the school trip is a little harsh too, maybe if she rebels a bit then that could be used as a threatened punishment but to take it away because she's been caught might make her think she has nothing else to lose.

squidge60

Thanks for replys its why i posted !:D
I needed feedback on this as it helps so thanks to everyone who has replied so far

kiss_me_now9

Decluttering wrote: »

I can understand putting the pocket money into a savings account and having her account for any spending from that but I think taking her work money is a bit unfair. Surely it doesn't count as funding her habit when she's earned the money herself? Plus I think she would find it hard to stay motivated if the money she earned was taken off her before she could enjoy it.

I think taking away the school trip is a little harsh too, maybe if she rebels a bit then that could be used as a threatened punishment but to take it away because she's been caught might make her think she has nothing else to lose.

But she's (possibly, I don't know the OPs daughter) going to use that to buy more cigarettes...

GobbledyGook

I think you have to find a balance between trying to stop her and alienating her from you. Personally I think stopping her going on the school trip would be unfair.

When I briefly took up smoking my grandparents stopped my pocket money (though not the money I earned myself - that was mine, but obviously not getting pocket money meant I had to budget more), they made it very plain that they were bitterly disappointed in me and - most annoyingly - my Nana refused to do my washing because it stunk of smoke. I had to do my own, seperate from everyone elses, and it was a PITA! Same with my coat - i had to hang it in my room because no-one else wanted theirs to get stinky smoke from mine. In the end it was much, much less hassle to just stop.

suki1001

I dread this happening and my dd is 11.

The one thing i might invest in a trying to find a letter Ronald Reagan wrote to his daughter Patti, when he found out she was smoking. He puts his word across in a very eloquant way. I've found a snippet, but I was quite surprised when I heard it. It might help:

"
These are two issues here Dear Patti. One is the fact that for two years you broke not only school rules but family rules and to do this you had to resort to tricks and deception. Why is this of such great concern to the school or to me and your mother? The answer is very simple. We are concerned that you can establish a pattern of living wherein you accept dishonesty as a way of life.

Let's turn from you and translate it into someone else. Would you be happy if you weren't sure that I was quite honest? Would you be comfortable if you had to wonder whether you could believe things I said? Or if perhaps now you had to worry that maybe I was being dishonest in this job—that some day the paper would carry a story exposing me as a lawbreaker? You know the answer of course. But don't you see—compromising with truth no matter how trivial does something to us. The next time it serves our purpose we do it again and one day we find ourselves in trouble and we're not quite sure why or how.
Now issue number two—smoking itself. I'm sure I don't have to repeat all the reasons why it's bad for you. Science leaves us very little doubt about it anymore. Yes I know many adults continue to smoke but I don't know any who don't wish they could quit. That alone should tell you something—if they want to quit and can't that's pretty good proof that tobacco is capable of forming a habit stronger than human will power. Unfortunately women are more susceptible to habits than men and find them much harder to break or change . . . I must go now. I hope you'll accept and work out your hours without bitterness and with the intention of not repeating the act that brought them about. I hope too you'll continue to improve in your studies."


[SIZE=+1]Not sure if women are more suseptable to habits, but it is 4 pages in total.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=+1]Good luck, sorry I can't give you any better advice.
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