Found out by accident 14yr old dd smokes

squidge60

suki1001 wrote: »

As teens brains aren't fully developed they will higher risks, boys more than girls. They just assess risk in a different way to us, which is why teenage drivers are far more likely to have accidents. It is scientifically proven that they will be more likely take risks than adults.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-452390/Immature-brains-make-teenagers-bad-drivers.html

This is one article, I know it's the daily mail, but hey

Because the brain isn't fully developed until 25 they will see things differently to us. what we may percieve as them being stupid by smoking, you can be guaranteed they will definitely see it differently to you. Teenagers have always taken risks, even when they are aware of the dangers. I did anyway - it certainly explains why I wouldn't do things now, that I did when I was 16.

Didnt realise their brain wasnt fully developed until 25 .!
I think most teens take risks dont they i did as well.Tbh lucky i didnt get seriously hurt .!

Shes winding me up yesterday asked for money and today .!

Now shes just rung to ask to go ten pin bowling as its a friends birthday.!

I dont know what to do tbh i feel she should be punished and its starting to feel like thats not happening.

I guess in some ways it reflects on us in a good way but its starting to annoy me.

mountainofdebt

Easy to say but hard to do I know but you have to have some sense of proportionality in the 'punishment'.

If you punish her at every available opportunity my gut feeling is that smoking could end up being the least of your worries.

suki1001

squidge60 wrote: »

Didnt realise their brain wasnt fully developed until 25 .!
I think most teens take risks dont they i did as well.Tbh lucky i didnt get seriously hurt .!

Shes winding me up yesterday asked for money and today .!

Now shes just rung to ask to go ten pin bowling as its a friends birthday.!

I dont know what to do tbh i feel she should be punished and its starting to feel like thats not happening.

I guess in some ways it reflects on us in a good way but its starting to annoy me.

I suppose this is going to be probably the first of many of these situations where they're gaining independence and it's more difficult to rain control of them in terms of punishment. If you let them run off the rails (like I was - apart from being nagged at) you risk them being a danger to themselves and they could easily become out of their depth.

My friend's parents were too strict and grounded her at every opportunity - she became a drug dealer and her teenage years were not pleasant. Although her parents had a tight reign on her, she certainly rebelled against them and all her boyfriends were lets just say a parent's worst nightmare if they were brought home.

I wonder what you want to acheive from the punishment. Because I would have thought you'd have to find a consistant way to do it. Be it that she misses one social meeting with her friends.

However if it's more about the fact that she isn't acknowledging your hurt and the lack of respect perhaps that you feel she isn't giving you. Perhaps you feel by her just saying, okay I'll give up almost feels like she's got off scot free.

A possible solution, but again I'm no expert is maybe her punishment is that she cleans the car (or something similar) - but, you do it with her and part of it is you both have to talk without arguing. Have some rules to your chat (they could even be quite joky - like no rolling eyes). I also think my approach would be to really gush how much you love her and tell her lots of positive things about her (what a brilliant person she's growing up into), rather than taking the disapointed parent approach. But you should still be able to get your point accross - i was really hurt and rather than getting cross at me, i need you to take ownership of it. I know it's difficult etc, etc But do include lots of positives.

That is just an idea, she goes bowling, but you've been thinking about how to handle this and it is.... The concept is rather than it just being a punishment where grounding is more difficult, it's more of a cross between a bonding exersize where you can learn to say positive things about each other and you can listen to her as well. Other than that, I'm in the same boat as you! It's a fine line isn't it.

squidge60

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Easy to say but hard to do I know but you have to have some sense of proportionality in the 'punishment'.

If you punish her at every available opportunity my gut feeling is that smoking could end up being the least of your worries.

I know i guess youre right its just it feels like its no biggy for her

Struggling with it again but dont know why just got upset but have noooo idea why crazy.!
Um surprised at myself i had a very strict childhood

Sooooooooooo maybe i am disapointed being a more laidback parent (although i question sometimes about how much freedom we give her)i hoped naively this wouldnt happen this is not the first time she has done things maybe i was hopeing i wouldnt be here .....? I dont know .

My oh has just said its no biggy and i know that but ....i feel ridiculous

squidge60

suki1001 wrote: »

I suppose this is going to be probably the first of many of these situations where they're gaining independence and it's more difficult to rain control of them in terms of punishment. If you let them run off the rails (like I was - apart from being nagged at) you risk them being a danger to themselves and they could easily become out of their depth.

My friend's parents were too strict and grounded her at every opportunity - she became a drug dealer and her teenage years were not pleasant. Although her parents had a tight reign on her, she certainly rebelled against them and all her boyfriends were lets just say a parent's worst nightmare if they were brought home.

I wonder what you want to acheive from the punishment. Because I would have thought you'd have to find a consistant way to do it. Be it that she misses one social meeting with her friends.

However if it's more about the fact that she isn't acknowledging your hurt and the lack of respect perhaps that you feel she isn't giving you. Perhaps you feel by her just saying, okay I'll give up almost feels like she's got off scot free.

A possible solution, but again I'm no expert is maybe her punishment is that she cleans the car (or something similar) - but, you do it with her and part of it is you both have to talk without arguing. Have some rules to your chat (they could even be quite joky - like no rolling eyes). I also think my approach would be to really gush how much you love her and tell her lots of positive things about her (what a brilliant person she's growing up into), rather than taking the disapointed parent approach. But you should still be able to get your point accross - i was really hurt and rather than getting cross at me, i need you to take ownership of it. I know it's difficult etc, etc But do include lots of positives.

That is just an idea, she goes bowling, but you've been thinking about how to handle this and it is.... The concept is rather than it just being a punishment where grounding is more difficult, it's more of a cross between a bonding exersize where you can learn to say positive things about each other and you can listen to her as well. Other than that, I'm in the same boat as you! It's a fine line isn't it.

Great post

I think its this tbh
However if it's more about the fact that she isn't acknowledging your hurt and the lack of respect perhaps that you feel she isn't giving you. Perhaps you feel by her just saying, okay I'll give up almost feels like she's got off scot free.

My oh just said "its no biggy so why are you upset" and hes right i think its just i didnt expect it .

We are close and i guess talking about lots of stuff and her attitude (if she was massively moody etc)i think i kindof would expected it you know.

I think i have realised why i feel like i do my parents were so strict and had noooooo time for me werent supportive etc always being told off grounded etc and i take sooooooooo much time out for her (hopeing to prevent but hey realise now wakeup call.!

suki1001

squidge60 wrote: »

Great post

I think its this tbh
However if it's more about the fact that she isn't acknowledging your hurt and the lack of respect perhaps that you feel she isn't giving you. Perhaps you feel by her just saying, okay I'll give up almost feels like she's got off scot free.

My oh just said "its no biggy so why are you upset" and hes right i think its just i didnt expect it .

We are close and i guess talking about lots of stuff and her attitude (if she was massively moody etc)i think i kindof would expected it you know.

Thanks

It's such a constant learning curve isn't it?

You are very lucky. Even the most sensible teens do silly things sometimes I suppose.

stormbreaker

Just re visited this thread and wondered how things were? Noticed that you were still pondering over punishment. I think personally the 'moment' has passed.