Found out by accident 14yr old dd smokes

suki1001

I hate to say it, but as a desperately lonely teenager - it was such an ice breaker if you smoked. People would talk to me and were reasonable. I went to another secondary school and the kids were a bit rougher - again I got a mark of respect for smoking. I'm not saying it's right, but it was a real coping mechanism for me and it helped me fit in, which is what I was desperate to do.

I obviously didn't tell my mum, although she found out, but if she had of tried to stop me, i don't think she would have been successful, I'd have found a way round it. I didn't want to give up, because the benefits as a teenager were too great. I don't know what would have appealed to me to stop, but stopping pocket money wouldn't have, I used to save my bus fare and not eat lunch to fund my habits - walking 8 miles to get to school.

You shouldn't smoke I'm doing X,Y,Z until you stop wouldn't have worked for me.

You're not going to stop a child determined to do something, because unless you can lock them up they'll find a way.

I'm trying to think what might have helped for me. The problem is she has to cope with the fact she's disapointed you, and that's not a nice feeling, plus if she's addicted she has to think how on earth she's going to give up. That's 2 big burdens and that was how I felt as well as the peer pressure.

It might be worth going to her doctors with her and finding out ways to help her addiction, so it breaks it down a bit for her. Support her in giving up, find out what she needs to stop and help her. At 16 I was addicted, if my mother had been supportive instead of giving the air of disaproval - I might have been inclined to give up. Then perhaps you could give a positive reward for acheiving this - but explain you won't give that help if she starts again. Maybe help from the quitline might be worth it.

I have given up a couple of times, but the thing that helped for me last time was the nicorette inhaler. Good luck

Bizarrely i only started because the girl who my mum thought was wonderful and went on about how fantastic she was starting smoking - I'm not sure if I would have otherwise.

squidge60

suki1001 wrote: »

I hate to say it, but as a desperately lonely teenager - it was such an ice breaker if you smoked. People would talk to me and were reasonable. I went to another secondary school and the kids were a bit rougher - again I got a mark of respect for smoking. I'm not saying it's right, but it was a real coping mechanism for me and it helped me fit in, which is what I was desperate to do.

I obviously didn't tell my mum, although she found out, but if she had of tried to stop me, i don't think she would have been successful, I'd have found a way round it. I didn't want to give up, because the benefits as a teenager were too great. I don't know what would have appealed to me to stop, but stopping pocket money wouldn't have, I used to save my bus fare and not eat lunch to fund my habits - walking 8 miles to get to school.

You shouldn't smoke I'm doing X,Y,Z until you stop wouldn't have worked for me.

You're not going to stop a child determined to do something, because unless you can lock them up they'll find a way.

I'm trying to think what might have helped for me. The problem is she has to cope with the fact she's disapointed you, and that's not a nice feeling, plus if she's addicted she has to think how on earth she's going to give up. That's 2 big burdens and that was how I felt as well as the peer pressure.

It might be worth going to her doctors with her and finding out ways to help her addiction, so it breaks it down a bit for her. Support her in giving up, find out what she needs to stop and help her. At 16 I was addicted, if my mother had been supportive instead of giving the air of disaproval - I might have been inclined to give up. Then perhaps you could give a positive reward for acheiving this - but explain you won't give that help if she starts again. Maybe help from the quitline might be worth it.

I have given up a couple of times, but the thing that helped for me last time was the nicorette inhaler. Good luck

Bizarrely i only started because the girl who my mum thought was wonderful and went on about how fantastic she was starting smoking - I'm not sure if I would have otherwise.

Difficult to say how long shes smoked(i found about 4/5 pouches and two lighters that didnt work!
So i dont think its that long but who knows.

I can see what you mean about smoking=respect

I hope she does realise we are disapointed but i am not to sure when i found out she said "i knew you would act like this thats why i lied".!
She did say last night "i am going to give up" but not entirely convinced.!

suki1001

squidge60 wrote: »

Difficult to say how long shes smoked(i found about 4/5 pouches and two lighters that didnt work!
So i dont think its that long but who knows.

I can see what you mean about smoking=respect

I hope she does realise we are disapointed but i am not to sure when i found out she said "i knew you would act like this thats why i lied".!
She did say last night "i am going to give up" but not entirely convinced.!

I think that's a typical answer to be honest - she wasn't going to tell you she smoked - what 14 year old would own up to that one!

If you're not convinced, it's probably because she's maybe not feeling to confident about it herself. Giving up smoking at any age is difficult, i would maybe find out how many she smokes a day, just in conversation rather than grilling her and suggest she calls the quitline, or going to the doctors to help with either nicotine subsistution if 14 year olds can have it. She needs some support, giving up cold turkey is really hard, if she thinks she's on her own, it's going to be more difficult. there's a survey she can take on the nhs website, which might help guage her addiction, plus maybe make the risks more real (less likely to have a stroke after 45mins - or whatever it is) - they'll hit home.

I personally think this approach might mean that you're more likely to nip it in the bud.

It's possible she'll be less inclined to try other things (this is a guess)

It means she may be more likely to approach you if she has a problem. It can be a very frightening world when you're a teenager. I got myself into some very sticky scrapes and wanted my mum. The thing is, i just didn't think i could approach her because I just thought she'd judge me.

I wouldn't be tempted to just leave her too it. I'd be tempted to find ways to help her. You can get the quitters pack.

squidge60

suki1001 wrote: »

I think that's a typical answer to be honest - she wasn't going to tell you she smoked - what 14 year old would own up to that one!

If you're not convinced, it's probably because she's maybe not feeling to confident about it herself. Giving up smoking at any age is difficult, i would maybe find out how many she smokes a day, just in conversation rather than grilling her and suggest she calls the quitline, or going to the doctors to help with either nicotine subsistution if 14 year olds can have it. She needs some support, giving up cold turkey is really hard, if she thinks she's on her own, it's going to be more difficult. there's a survey she can take on the nhs website, which might help guage her addiction, plus maybe make the risks more real (less likely to have a stroke after 45mins - or whatever it is) - they'll hit home.

I personally think this approach might mean that you're more likely to nip it in the bud.

It's possible she'll be less inclined to try other things (this is a guess)

It means she may be more likely to approach you if she has a problem. It can be a very frightening world when you're a teenager. I got myself into some very sticky scrapes and wanted my mum. The thing is, i just didn't think i could approach her because I just thought she'd judge me.

I wouldn't be tempted to just leave her too it. I'd be tempted to find ways to help her. You can get the quitters pack.

I will talk (but not at the mo as i know how i feel).
Yeah i guess it was obvious she wouldnt own up just when everything pointed to it being her and she still continued to deny ....

I hate lies/deceit and she knows it.!

But you are right i shall look into ways of helping her quit hopefully it will turn into a positive chat

suki1001

squidge60 wrote: »

I will talk (but not at the mo as i know how i feel).
Yeah i guess it was obvious she wouldnt own up just when everything pointed to it being her and she still continued to deny ....

I hate lies/deceit and she knows it.!

But you are right i shall look into ways of helping her quit hopefully it will turn into a positive chat

I think when it comes down to lying - she needs to be able to tell you things, because it might concern her being safe. for example. She goes to a party you've told her not to go to and she ends up on her own, is she going to take that walk back home along a dark country lane, rather than ring you because of your reaction?

I think my scariest situation was taking LSD, that had a very strong effect and lasted about 3 days - i have never been so frightened in my life. i wouldn't tell my mum because I knew she'd be cross. I wouldn't have needed a lecture, because that was my first and last time I took it, however, I wished I could have been certain i would have been looked after and helped.

There are going to be lots of things she won't tell you. it's part and parcel of being a teenager.

She will need your support in this. I know you're hurt, but she's trying to fit in and sometimes that clashes with your home life and your parents. I'm not condoning what she's done, but i remember there were so many things I felt under pressure to do. It's crazy, as an adult I'd tell them to sod off, but as a teenager that is so very very hard to do when the consequences of saying no can be difficult. It is such a horrible time, I would never relive my teenage years if someone paid me.

thatgirlsam

suki1001 wrote: »

I think when it comes down to lying - she needs to be able to tell you things, because it might concern her being safe. for example. She goes to a party you've told her not to go to and she ends up on her own, is she going to take that walk back home along a dark country lane, rather than ring you because of your reaction?

I think my scariest situation was taking LSD, that had a very strong effect and lasted about 3 days - i have never been so frightened in my life. i wouldn't tell my mum because I knew she'd be cross. I wouldn't have needed a lecture, because that was my first and last time I took it, however, I wished I could have been certain i would have been looked after and helped.

There are going to be lots of things she won't tell you. it's part and parcel of being a teenager.

She will need your support in this. I know you're hurt, but she's trying to fit in and sometimes that clashes with your home life and your parents. I'm not condoning what she's done, but i remember there were so many things I felt under pressure to do. It's crazy, as an adult I'd tell them to sod off, but as a teenager that is so very very hard to do when the consequences of saying no can be difficult. It is such a horrible time, I would never relive my teenage years if someone paid me.

Excellant post Suki

I think I was just like you.

I didn't tell my Mum stuff because it then instantly became about her. How hurt she was, how disappointed, how ashamed, how she wished I was different, how I was making her ill and on and on

When what would have helped was her saying ' actually, what is going on with YOU, to make you do these things, what can i do to help?'

squidge60

suki1001 wrote: »

I think when it comes down to lying - she needs to be able to tell you things, because it might concern her being safe. for example. She goes to a party you've told her not to go to and she ends up on her own, is she going to take that walk back home along a dark country lane, rather than ring you because of your reaction?

I think my scariest situation was taking LSD, that had a very strong effect and lasted about 3 days - i have never been so frightened in my life. i wouldn't tell my mum because I knew she'd be cross. I wouldn't have needed a lecture, because that was my first and last time I took it, however, I wished I could have been certain i would have been looked after and helped.

There are going to be lots of things she won't tell you. it's part and parcel of being a teenager.

She will need your support in this. I know you're hurt, but she's trying to fit in and sometimes that clashes with your home life and your parents. I'm not condoning what she's done, but i remember there were so many things I felt under pressure to do. It's crazy, as an adult I'd tell them to sod off, but as a teenager that is so very very hard to do when the consequences of saying no can be difficult. It is such a horrible time, I would never relive my teenage years if someone paid me.

Tbh i thought she could talk to me (within reason )i think thats
partly why i feel about it like i do.:(


I had my moments when i was a teen but still said no when it felt wrong (think injecting)but i was older i guess than dd is now.
I feel the same as you wouldnt want to go back to being a teen and it feels like its alot worse now being one sooooo much pressure in certain areas.

Said to her about being vulnerable when going out now and when she gets older clubbing etc but now question if shes taken any of it on board .

You think you have thought of everything but maybe not

thatgirlsam

squidge60 wrote: »

I will talk (but not at the mo as i know how i feel).
Yeah i guess it was obvious she wouldnt own up just when everything pointed to it being her and she still continued to deny ....

I hate lies/deceit and she knows it.!

But you are right i shall look into ways of helping her quit hopefully it will turn into a positive chat

I hate to say this, but as with all smokers, she won't quit unless she wants to. You don't do it because someone else wants you to.

You need to find something that makes her want to quit

squidge60

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Excellant post Suki

I think I was just like you.

I didn't tell my Mum stuff because it then instantly became about her. How hurt she was, how disappointed, how ashamed, how she wished I was different, how I was making her ill and on and on

When what would have helped was her saying ' actually, what is going on with YOU, to make you do these things, what can i do to help?'

Yep you are right i got that from my parents (not being ill)but i would have been made to feel bad.

thatgirlsam

squidge60 wrote: »

Yep you are right i got that from my parents (not being ill)but i would have been made to feel bad.

I felt bad, but I also felt very alone. It's hard to explain but everything I did seemed to be about her, but it wasn't.... it was about ME!!