Dealing with an irrational wife

Nottoobadyet

I'll never understand why people in this day and age get married without having lived together first! It sounds like you two are completely unequipped to deal with each other.

Her abusive language is bang out of order and you need to set boundaries on it ASAP if you want this to work. You dont want to wait until you're 5 years down the line with kids and self esteem that you cant scrape off the floor.

And for fs sake people, she's being verbally abusive. The response on this board would be totally different if the OP was female - no one deserves to be called stupid by their partner.

pelirocco

andymc29 wrote: »

We were on holiday last year. Having breakfast in the hotel, I saw her coming back from the buffet with some food, so I left the table to go get some for myself. I had my wallet with me but it was too bulky for my pocket so I left it on the table, knowing she was in clear sight of the table and heading that way.

She went quiet on me for the next half hour until I finally got it out of her that she was furious at me for leaving my wallet on the table. She said I was totally irresponsible and was happy to risk us losing all our money and bank cards because of being too impatient to get food. It didn't matter that I said she could see the table and was walking directly towards it. She made me promise never to do anything irresponsible again in my life and that I needed to show her more respect.

I hate to think what it will be like if you have kids , It seems she sees danger everywhere ,

suited-aces

The wife is controlling and emotionally abusive. Is it the OP's male genitalia that's blinding so many people to this?

aliasojo

VestanPance wrote: »

.....or she learns how to deal with her fear better.

To be fair though, she's not being particularly fearful, just being aware of the potential.

The Police and all Neighbourhood Watch schemes drum into people how to be safe and what precautions to take to minimise risk. Shutting/locking doors/windows is usually top of the list of reasonable expectations.

Many thefts are spur of the moment ones, her jewellery on the windowsill would definitely attract an opportunist.

pelirocco

andymc29 wrote: »

We've been going out for three years. And besides, until recently, most married couple never lived together before getting married. However divorce rates are higher now than they've ever been, so I don't think it's directly related.

My biggest problem is that I don't know what I can do to show more "respect" to her and how she wants things. I will get some post it notes to leave myself reminders, and I will tell her that is the system I am using to make up for my bad memory as I want to remember things better and be more responsible. She is very OCD and will always check all her car doors after hearing the central locking when using her keyfob. She will also double check the front door is locked even after using the key to lock the deadbolt. she complains about anything out of place in the house, and she'll insist on the kitchen door being closed when we leave the house so people can't look in the kitchen window through to the corridor.

The more she keeps on the more your confidence will go and the more you will 'forget' things

shellsuit

You've only been married a month and you're on here moaning about her already?

Why not wait till she comes in this evening and talk to her about it?

You know that thing, communication?

londonsurrey

Try couples counselling.

It sounds like you're fairly laissez faire about things, and she's fairly highly strung and controlling. These traits in themselves aren't a problem except that you're both on opposite sides of a fence, and resulting in a discrepancy of expectations that's causing the clashing and unhappiness.

So, could you do things like not expecting her to do anything, and asking her if you want something. For instance, with the wallet on the table, ask her if she could keep an eye on it before leaving. If I were your wife, I'd agree, but put it in my bag or on my lap. It's very easy to snatch a wallet from a table, and I'd be annoyed to find that I was expected to be responsible for a wallet in such a vulnerable position.

She sounds very uptight and the constant verbal barrage might be a way of releasing some of the frustration. Is it just you and the house she complains about, or does she have this continuous stream of complaints about work and other areas too?

If it is the latter, I'd hope that couples counselling might provide a way of her communicate her needs and wants in a more acceptable manner, moderating her language, and allowing you the space/leaving you alone to do the tasks you do in your way and pace. She's not your boss, or your mother, and if she wants you to cook dinner, which you're capable of, you don't need her micromanaging the way you cut the veg or the order in which you do things.

aliasojo

andymc29 wrote: »

..... and she'll insist on the kitchen door being closed when we leave the house so people can't look in the kitchen window through to the corridor.

I do that too. :rotfl:

I think you are so laid back that you are picking up on silly things and making them out to be issues she has, in your mind now.

londonsurrey

j.e.j. wrote: »

Best not leave the windows open again, though :rotfl:

Love it! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Pollycat

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

And for fs sake people, she's being verbally abusive. The response on this board would be totally different if the OP was female - no one deserves to be called stupid by their partner.

If they leave their wallet stuffed with holiday money and bank cards on a table and go off to get some food from the buffet leaving nobody at the table, then (imho) they deserve to be called stupid because they are stupid - and irresponsible.

And - I'd say that if the poster was a woman talking about her husband, instead of the other way round.