Dealing with an irrational wife

LannieDuck

I worry about a lot of the same things as your wife. I suspect I have mild OCD. I wonder whether she does too, or maybe she's suffered a traumatic break-in in the past?

I always double check I've locked the doors properly. I pull on my car door handle after locking it - that habit started after I forgot to lock my car a couple of times, so I developed a habit of checking. I always check the cooker's turned off before I go to bed - that one developed when I started living with my OH and he left the cooker on a couple of times (once he even left a burner on with an empty pan on top - luckily I happened to walk into the kitchen after 20 mins or so).

You said earlier in the thread that you don't know what you can do to make your wife happy. I think it's quite obvious - take responsibility for the security of your possessions and find a way to deal with your memory issues around them. If that means a sticky note by the front door with "check windows", then do that. If it means getting into a habit of checking the windows before going out, then do that. Find a way that works for you.

Note that I don't condone your wife's manner of speaking to you at all - it's totally out of order.

Mojisola

margaretclare wrote: »

OMG. I just could NOT live with someone like that. Why on earth did you marry her?

It works both ways. Why did she marry him if she feels his behaviour is personally disrespectful?

mogwai

andymc29 wrote: »

Thanks guys. I know it seems trivial but she's like this about loads of things.

I tell her I've got a bad memory and am trying hard but she says that's no excuse because she never forgets anything.

She says not remembering to do things is showing disrespect for her and that I'm being irresponsible. There's really no winning most of the time.

andymc - my DH is very OCD and irrational about things too, I dont know where he gets ideas in his head sometimes but it can be quite annoying at times as some of it is pure OCD and not common sense! We had a bad time of it for a while as I was not as forgiving of his demands but over time we grew an understanding of how the other likes to live and we have gradually adjusted.

One thing that made it easier for me was the fact that if you do anything enough times it becomes a habit, something you do automatically, and not something you have to remember anymore. Like you, I've got a bad memory, have my head in the clouds most of the time and have a relaxed way of living, but I think part of being married is respecting the way the other likes to live. This works both ways and DH has relaxed his OCD ways a little for my sake!

As for the bad memory, I try and find ways to remember things, e.g one of DHs bugbears is me forgetting to turn off the hotwater off after its been used, so just now I was buying a little retro hanging sign thing that has on/off on both sides that I can use to remind me when to turn the switch off...hopefully it will work! But if it doesn't, I have asked DH to help me by reminding me about things nicely instead of taking an accusing /condescending tone which I think maybe your wife still has to deal with. It makes a world of difference in how committed I am in accomodating DH too...

Good luck, its hopefully just a period of adjustment - def discuss with your wife how she could help you to remember things better, her changing her tone would probably make the period more pleasant for both too..

thehappybutterfly

She sounds like a right old nag to be honest. I'm a bit of a nag but even I'm not that bad. Little Miss Perfect is she? Never forgets anything, never puts a foot wrong? She clearly needs someone to boss around and that shouldn't be you. What will she be like where there are kids on the scene? Can you imagine - potty training, learning to walk etc etc. "No, you're not doing it right! How many times do I have to explain it to you?!"

Good luck OP.

poet123

aliasojo wrote: »

I agree her responses are not particularly nice OP but only you know if her possible frustration with you has coloured her replies.

Forgive me but you sound like the male equivalent of what is generally known as a 'bit of an airhead'.

Was she like this before you moved in together? Maybe she's only seeing 'you' now?

Of course she could just be a narky biatch. None of us can tell that from the thread I'm afraid.

I agree with this, this could be my eldest son writing, he is so cavalier with stuff and his gf is just the opposite. They are just getting ready to move in together and I foresee these kinds of issues rearing their heads.

Living together takes big adjustments, particularly if you have lived alone previously and have set ways of doing things. I am afraid until these issues are ironed out it will be a rocky road, it will take time though and the ability to see the others pov.

It is all part of the tapestry of married life. Who hasn't snapped at a partner or sulked or shouted? If the underlying passion, respect and love is there it will be fine, but theses issues do need to be addressed or they will fester, and erode one or more of the above over time.

Op sit down and talk, and listen. Work out what you can both do to resolve the conflict areas and do it. A bad memory is no excuse, use memory aids;)

dragonette

Hmmm I think you probably do need to try to do something about your memory. But that is for your own sake, it will make life easier for you.

Her tone towards you seems abusive and vicious. Maybe it stems from fear or frustration but tbh it doesn't matter. She needs to watch her tone (as I kno I do, I know that I can come accross much nastier than I mean so I assess it automatically now).

The bit about not doing things unless they will be good enough sounds like my OH at times. Those times are when his depression is bad, if you feel like that regularly then something needs to be changed. You shouldn't feel that bad about yourself - its not normal and you don't have to put up with it.

First thing is talk to your wife, keep calm, let her talk and then answe (tho don't let her talk over you - you're partners which means you are equally valuable in the relationship). Then you can look at solutions together

Good luck

dragonette

Hmmm I think you probably do need to try to do something about your memory. But that is for your own sake, it will make life easier for you.

Her tone towards you seems abusive and vicious. Maybe it stems from fear or frustration but tbh it doesn't matter. She needs to watch her tone (as I kno I do, I know that I can come accross much nastier than I mean so I assess it automatically now).

The bit about not doing things unless they will be good enough sounds like my OH at times. Those times are when his depression is bad, if you feel like that regularly then something needs to be changed. You shouldn't feel that bad about yourself - its not normal and you don't have to put up with it.

First thing is talk to your wife, keep calm, let her talk and then answe (tho don't let her talk over you - you're partners which means you are equally valuable in the relationship). Then you can look at solutions together

Good luck

Pollycat

dragonette wrote: »

Her tone towards you seems abusive and vicious. Maybe it stems from fear or frustration but tbh it doesn't matter. She needs to watch her tone (as I kno I do, I know that I can come accross much nastier than I mean so I assess it automatically now).

And to me, that's what is so wrong about having an argument by text!

You can't tell the tone of the voice because it's all just words you're typing or reading.

Mrs_Imp

OP, whatever you do, don't EVER ask her if it's hormonal, or if it's that time of the month!

When Mr Imp and I got married and started living together we found that I had a (very) high mess threshold, and he wanted everything to be neat and tidy and put away. It caused a few arguments. Since then, I've learned how to be a bit more tidy, and his mess threshold has increased.

You may well find the same - that over time she will become more relaxed about things like open windows, and you'll start to remember to shut them more.

I hope you manage to get things sorted.

Hofmeister

Andy,
This is bullying / mental abuse, get out now my friend whilst you can. She will slowly destroy any confidence you have left.

It is not acceptable to speak / abuse you like she is, mark my words, if you were to stand up to her she would panic / back down big time, she is a classic bully.

Get out now before children come along!

On the plus side, reading all these responses from various people make me realise what a great marriage / wife i have, we would never dream of treating each other the way you're being treated......:A