Dealing with an irrational wife

Mojisola

andymc - is this a long-standing problem? If you've both been behaving like this since you got together, why haven't you sorted it out before?

Is your wife being abusive and controlling towards you or is this frustration reaching breaking point because you keep making promises that you don't keep? Are you like this in all areas of your life or just at home?

As Mrs Imp says, both people in a relationship have to make adjustments. Compromise from both sides is the key to success.

bride2be2012

My husband can be a bit particular over things, where as I'm more laid back. He likes to double check the house is locked, windows shut etc, and takes more care over possesions (has to know where the car keys are at all time - normally both sets for both cars are lurking in my handbag lol!). Used to drive me mad, but he's not so bad now and I've grown used to it. But he has never, ever talked to me the way your wife does to you. If he had, I'd have been out the door a long time ago (and we've not been married much longer than you.) I'd be having a serious conversation with her ASAP about that. She says she wants you to show her some respect - when is she going to start showing you some?

Mr_Toad

Pollycat wrote: »

masonn
I'd say you've been lucky in not having your mobile or wallet stolen.

This is the issue that I have. It isn't luck, luck has nothing to do with it.

It's all about being aware of your surroundings and making an assessment of the risk of taking certain actions. Most people do this unconsciously and it works.

There are places and situation where I wouldn't dream of leaving things on a table so I don't.

Some people seem incapable of making that judgement or think they are. They then overcompensate by becoming totally risk averse. Being totally risk averse can be crippling emotionally and mean that you live your life in fear of "something happening".

People who worry about everything or even just specific things are, in my experience, rarely truly happy, well balanced individuals.

aliasojo

I'm incredulous at the amount of people who advise walking out just because the wife didn't speak to the OP 'nicely'.

No wonder there are so many failed marriages if people don't even consider making the effort to try to change things for the better first.

Lotus-eater

I haven't read the whole thread, because everyone seems to be saying the same thing.

But Andy, I wouldn't let my wife speak to me like that. She needs to be taught that speaking to you like that isn't on. And you need to tell her, otherwise she will just carry on, as she obviously thinks it is acceptable.

You need to close the bloody window if it's so important to her and she needs to talk to you like an equal adult, not a child. (I wouldn't even talk to my children like that)

BellyDuJour

masonn wrote: »

This is the issue that I have. It isn't luck, luck has nothing to do with it.

It's all about being aware of your surroundings and making an assessment of the risk of taking certain actions. Most people do this unconsciously and it works.

There are places and situation where I wouldn't dream of leaving things on a table so I don't.

Some people seem incapable of making that judgement or think they are. They then overcompensate by becoming totally risk averse. Being totally risk averse can be crippling emotionally and mean that you live your life in fear of "something happening".

People who worry about everything or even just specific things are, in my experience, rarely truly happy, well balanced individuals.

On the other hand, some people can be incapable of making that judgement by not taking enough precautions and by not assessing the risks around them properly, then it is only a matter of time before an opportunist steals your wallet from your dining table when they think nobody is watching!

Hofmeister

aliasojo,
please see information quoted from Andy:-

Her: Not good enough I'm afraid. I just can't trust you!!! You are stupid and you need to take responsibility., I have lots of stuff which could never be replaced, please look after it, we would not be insured and my rings are under the window! Why are you so irresponsible!

sometimes she'll physically push me aside and do it herself saying something like "I'll do it because you're too slow"

She went quiet on me for the next half hour until I finally got it out of her that she was furious at me for leaving my wallet on the table. She said I was totally irresponsible and was happy to risk us losing all our money and bank cards because of being too impatient to get food. It didn't matter that I said she could see the table and was walking directly towards it. She made me promise never to do anything irresponsible again in my life and that I needed to show her more respect.

she complains about anything out of place in the house, and she'll insist on the kitchen door being closed when we leave the house so people can't look in the kitchen window through to the corridor.

I do sometimes not do things because I think she'll just say it's done wrong anyway.

Now, i am all for trying to make marriage work etc, but if this was a female poster talking about her husband, there would lots of "hun, you need to get out, he's a control freak, a bully".

And another point to note, i have not seen him post one positive comment regarding his marriage / wife, say's to me she probably bullied him into marrying her :rotfl:

Pee

I don't think this is grounds to leave, but it is grounds to have a good talk about it and make sure you know how you can show your love and respect for her in a way that she can understand and that she knows how to show her love and respect for you in any normal way... oops, I mean in a way that you can understand.

I don't think that the open window is a big deal, but I live somewhere where we don't even lock the doors and don't have to, but you have to agree on whether a) it's a big issue for her and therefore you will do it but when there is something that is a big issue for you she will take that on board b) you should be shutting the windows as it is risky qand therefore you will, but now and again you will make mistakes because you are human or c) it's a big issue for her but she is being completely unreasonable, so no, you are not going to do it.

Was she like this before you got married? It sounds to me like she was with the wallet scenario. It is possible that she will never change. (It sounds a bit like my Mum who is a very nervous person and couldn't change that if she wanted to, but it doesn't help that she doesn't want to.) The only good thing I can say is that my mum would never leave my dad as she would be too nervous of what might happen i.e. in the house on her own.

Do not just put up with this unless she is very stressed at the moment/ coming down with a cold/ very tired from work... it is not acceptable. She talks about respect, but she doesn't show you much.

aliasojo

Hofmeister wrote: »

aliasojo,
please see information quoted from Andy:-

Her: Not good enough I'm afraid. I just can't trust you!!! You are stupid and you need to take responsibility., I have lots of stuff which could never be replaced, please look after it, we would not be insured and my rings are under the window! Why are you so irresponsible!

sometimes she'll physically push me aside and do it herself saying something like "I'll do it because you're too slow"

She went quiet on me for the next half hour until I finally got it out of her that she was furious at me for leaving my wallet on the table. She said I was totally irresponsible and was happy to risk us losing all our money and bank cards because of being too impatient to get food. It didn't matter that I said she could see the table and was walking directly towards it. She made me promise never to do anything irresponsible again in my life and that I needed to show her more respect.

she complains about anything out of place in the house, and she'll insist on the kitchen door being closed when we leave the house so people can't look in the kitchen window through to the corridor.

I do sometimes not do things because I think she'll just say it's done wrong anyway.

Now, i am all for trying to make marriage work etc, but if this was a female poster talking about her husband, there would lots of "hun, you need to get out, he's a control freak, a bully".

And another point to note, i have not seen him post one positive comment regarding his marriage / wife, say's to me she probably bullied him into marrying her :rotfl:

With respect, I have read the whole thread.

I came to my opinion after reading and considering what was written.

Kneejerking over an emotional response isn't my thing I'm afraid.

I have an opinion about the OP as much as I do about his wife. I think both parties are responsible for this situation. I also think both parties should accept responsibility for their parts in this.

I think the OP needs to 'develop' as a person just as much as his wife does. They both appear to have aspects of their character that they could improve on. Imo.

Would I end a marriage over this? No. It's not abuse, it's one party being unpleasant to another.

I think the term 'abuse' is bandied about far too readily these days.

OP you can either walk out because you don't like what has been said to you or you can both sit down like adults and discuss it.

heartbreak_star

Pee wrote: »

I don't think that the open window is a big deal, but I live somewhere where we don't even lock the doors and don't have to, but you have to agree on whether a) it's a big issue for her and therefore you will do it but when there is something that is a big issue for you she will take that on board b) you should be shutting the windows as it is risky qand therefore you will, but now and again you will make mistakes because you are human or c) it's a big issue for her but she is being completely unreasonable, so no, you are not going to do it.

This pretty much nails it, spot on.

Also...IMO, people who leave in fear of everything don't really live.

HBS x