Dealing with an irrational wife

poet123

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

God help her if she ever has kids if she gets this stressy over an adult 'not doing the things she says' (which is ultimately what it boils down to). I've spent 7 years telling my daughter not to leave her clothes/books/toys/shoes on the floor and she still does. And she leaves the laptop on the windowsill with her 3DS on top. With the window open. I'll just move it myself otherwise I'll just spend the whole of my days full of anger and seriously, what is the point??

I have done this a lot of the time too, but with a son. And now I am worried that I have done him no favours. I wonder what my motivation was; laziness not wanting to have an argument about it, not wanting to nag, it was easier to do it myself, it would be done correctly, etc etc. Fst forward and he moves in with his GF quite soon, will she be as accommodating? If not do I bear some responsibility for the issues that will ensue.....I think I do.

So, for whatever reason we do it, does not make it correct. The line of least resistance is not always the right one.

londonsurrey

I don't think it's fair to classify men as always the one with the problem.

The chap I'm currently dating keeps a far cleaner and neater house than me.

When I was growing up, I had a narcissistic mother who did things that worked for her, not me. So when she did housework, she made it clear that it was nasty stuff and I was adding to her workload.

When I got older and helped, I was always criticised for bits not done to her satisfaction. There was never any praise. I grew to detest housework and its associated being yelled at.
After years, I finally realised I preferred not doing it and being yelled at over doing the housework and being yelled at. It seemed fairer!

She predicted a dire end for me - you can't just not do some things.

Well, I grew up, got a good job, worked hard, and hired a succession of really good and cheerful cleaners. So there.


My paramour, on the other hand, was brought up by his cheerful and encouraging parents. They're a happy family, who cheer each other on in their various mad endeavours.

It really doesn't take a lot to see possible reasons why we have such different reactions to the same tasks.

balletshoes

mikey72 wrote: »

I can't quite see the point of view of someof the posters.
The wallet seeems perfectly normal, my wife wouldn't expect to be asked to watch out for it, it's on the table, it's ours. I always do the same for her handbag.

I agree, but from Andy's earlier post describing the wallet on the table incident, his wife wasn't at the table when he left it (no-one was), so she didn't know he'd left his wallet on the table to be looked after until she got back to the table.

londonsurrey

P.S. I also recognise that I am inherently lazy. Fortunately, I managed to develop a career automating things and impressing people with how efficiently I can do things (yes, what is laziness to some can be spun as efficiency to others )

balletshoes

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

As someone said before, the only difference in this thread and any others where the word abuse would be used, is that the person on the receiving end has a pair of testicles. And the advice seems to be that he should 'grow a pair', 'man up' or 'change' where she should not have to change at all and he should be changing to accomodate her needs. And that is just wrong.

see, I'm really not getting that message from the majority of posts on this thread. I'm getting that there are faults on both sides, but regardless, she should not be speaking to Andy like that. Thats what I'm getting.

samtoby

andymc29 wrote: »

Her: Why did you leave the bedroom window open? How many more times you must check and double check, do you not learn from your previous mistakes? That is harshly worded. I think something like ,'I have said before how important it is to close it, you know I worry. Puts you down Very cross and disappointed wife. Not needed in this manner in my opinion.

Me: Very Sorry for leaving the window open. Very stupid of me. So sorry xxx Kind and nice.

Her: Not good enough I'm afraid. I would never speak to my partner like this and he would not either. I just can't trust you!!! Over the top, seriously?! Unless it was ground floor I guess. You are stupid thats bullying and you need to take responsibility., I have lots of stuff which could never be replaced, please look after it, we would not be insured and my rings are under the window! If the rinsg are so important why are they not on her hand or indeed in a safe? Why are you so irresponsible!

Better response in my opinion - I am disapointed you know how much I worry about the windows and security. Please can you make sure you do shut them in future; I do not want us to loose all our lovely things. x

Me: I don't know how to respond. I'm hurt you're calling em stupid. It was an honest mistake and I can't say anything more than I'm sorry and will try to remember in future.

Her: Is that what you would tell the police and insurance company when they won't give us money? You think they would change their mind? Take responsibility and give me some respect. You have said sorry what else does she want to do, make you even more put down. Give her some respect.....I would not bother where is hers?

Me: Let's talk about this when we can talk face to face. I don't want to keep texting as you're not getting how sorry I am. I do respect you but I will sometimes forget things. I am very sorry. I love you x

Has she always spoke to you like this? If so you accepted that when you married her so maybe that is just the way she is.

If this was the other way round i.e you sending the mean messages I bet people would be saying domestic abuse etc. I am asuming you are male lol

I would sit down talk to her about how she words things. I am a very brash girl and sometimes I do come across very harsh; but; with that said I would not word the way she has. Text has no emotion thats the other issue though.

Good luck

shellsuit

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

God help her if she ever has kids if she gets this stressy over an adult 'not doing the things she says' (which is ultimately what it boils down to). I've spent 7 years telling my daughter not to leave her clothes/books/toys/shoes on the floor and she still does. And she leaves the laptop on the windowsill with her 3DS on top. With the window open. I'll just move it myself otherwise I'll just spend the whole of my days full of anger and seriously, what is the point??

I'm a little like the OP's wife and we have 3 children.

Those things you describe above, happen in our house.

The kids get away with it because they are kids. They do get told off at times, but other times I let it lie, because I'm their Mum and that's my job.

I don't want a 4th child, which is why it drives me up the wall if I have to ask my husband to do something/remind him he hasn't done something, for the 426th time.

If a partner does something that they know will annoy or upset their OH, why oh why do they do it time and time again?

Mr_Toad

balletshoes wrote: »

I agree, but from Andy's earlier post describing the wallet on the table incident, his wife wasn't at the table when he left it (no-one was), so she didn't know he'd left his wallet on the table to be looked after until she got back to the table.

He said she was in clear sight of the table and walking towards it and you can't possibly know if he indicated what he was doing to her as he didn't say.

londonsurrey

If I was to be left in charge of a wallet, I would want to put it in my handbag or on my lap. I would not be at all happy for the wallet to be left on the table and me to be assumed in charge.

If it's to be my responsibility, I should be afforded the courtesy of being allowed to choose how I ensure it's safeguarded.

Mr_Toad

shellsuit wrote: »

I'm a little like the OP's wife and we have 3 children.

Those things you describe above, happen in our house.

The kids get away with it because they are kids. They do get told off at times, but other times I let it lie, because I'm their Mum and that's my job.

I don't want a 4th child, which is why it drives me up the wall if I have to ask my husband to do something/remind him he hasn't done something, for the 426th time.

If a partner does something that they know will annoy or upset their OH, why oh why do they do it time and time again?

And you don't see the irony of your statement?

Perhaps being told 426 times annoys your OH. Have you considered not doing that time and time again.

There seems to be a lot of people on here who think they are always right and that the only way to conduct life is their way and anyone who disagrees is at best plain wrong and at worst childish and stupid.