Dealing with an irrational wife

Lexxi

Marriage care have a preparing for marriage course. They also do relationship counselling.
Relate have a course on dealing with difficult people
The internet will have many guides on making sure your house is secure
B&Q/Focus will sell various latches to prevent windows opening too far. Or alarms that wont set if the house isn't secure.

You can't change your wife. You can change the way that you deal with how she speaks to you. Or you can stop using 'I'm forgetful/I forgot' as some sort of forcefield against all responsibility and try being a bit more aware of your new wifes' feelings and concerns

Mk14:37

Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women hoping they won't.

mrs_sparrow

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Really?!!

From your learnedness - how many times for a spouse to leave the whole house open to burglars does it take to make a wife/husband start shouting?

How many times does a man/woman run the tank of the jointly owned and funded car down to zero, and walk blithely away, before the wife/husband starts yelling this so-called 'abuse'?

How many times does a spouse keep saying "oops- sorry" while never once forgetting his/her dates with his/her mates, before a wife/husband starts saying I'm sick of this unfairness?

If people want to talk, this early, about divorce, I suggest that the OP takes a look at his own behaviour - debt, irresponsibility, utter carelessness, blase, contempt of his wife's work, contibution and viewpoint, short-sighted name calling ....

OP - if what you really want is a substitute mother, do your wife a favour - !!!!!! off home to your parents, let them save you from your immature shenanigans, and leave your wife to find somebody who will work alongside her to achieve something worthwhile.

PS I'm not that far from Cambridge. I can offer lodgings if you become in need of somewhere ... but you'd need to take responsibility for yourself - no silly business with wallets ... my householder insurance wouldn't cover you.

They have lived together 3 months and been married for one. It should be a damn sight longer than that before you 'lose your temper' and have a screaming fit over it!!

Sorry but you sound like you have issues. Big ones. And you sound completely irrational.

My friends and I chat about this all the time with our husbands and they are forgetful, lazy and do not do things 'just as we want them'. I could, no doubt, spent every day having a go at my husband for the things 'he has not done the way I want/like them'. But what's the point in having a screaming argument about it every 5 minutes - it makes you look like an irrational control freak. Just like your post did. We just laugh about it and go and do it when they are not looking. I'd never belittle him and send texts calling him stupid. And my friends are pretty much all of the same attitude as me. There is one that acts like the OP - we think she is a bit of a nutter and control freak. Oh, hold on......

My husband has left his credit card on the table before - it was nothing that a phonecall to the card company did not sort out. Was I supposed to give him a tongue lashing??

And on holiday I went on a coaster with my bag and they told me to remove it before I could ride. I had queued, no way I was going outside to the lockers so I took it off and left it on the side in full view of everyone. In it was my credit cards, my bank cards (and there was access to around 30k on those) and all of the cash we had. My husband did not give me the silent treatment for half an hour over it, nor did he scream the place down and have a tantrum over it. Yes there was some cash but there was nothing that a quick phone call would not sort out to cancel the cards.

This was also the woman that, before they married, who told him that he could not spend any money apart from on the things SHE agreed to and that he HAD to pay off his Student Loan because SHE wanted him to. He agreed. He admitted on his other thread that she was a control freak and he did not like it but when he gives into her it means she gets her own way.

My friend has just come out of a 12 year marriage with a wife like this, she is incredibly selfish and self centred and yes, he was being abused. Financially, emotionally, verbally and in the end, physically. All because he did not do things in the way SHE wanted. And she will not change either, people like this never do, regardless of what people think.

mrs_sparrow

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Really?!!

From your learnedness - how many times for a spouse to leave the whole house open to burglars does it take to make a wife/husband start shouting?

How many times does a man/woman run the tank of the jointly owned and funded car down to zero, and walk blithely away, before the wife/husband starts yelling this so-called 'abuse'?

How many times does a spouse keep saying "oops- sorry" while never once forgetting his/her dates with his/her mates, before a wife/husband starts saying I'm sick of this unfairness?

If people want to talk, this early, about divorce, I suggest that the OP takes a look at his own behaviour - debt, irresponsibility, utter carelessness, blase, contempt of his wife's work, contibution and viewpoint, short-sighted name calling ....

OP - if what you really want is a substitute mother, do your wife a favour - !!!!!! off home to your parents, let them save you from your immature shenanigans, and leave your wife to find somebody who will work alongside her to achieve something worthwhile.

PS I'm not that far from Cambridge. I can offer lodgings if you become in need of somewhere ... but you'd need to take responsibility for yourself - no silly business with wallets ... my householder insurance wouldn't cover you.

Actually, I have just re-read this and you are a piece of work.

Where has he said he has contempt for his wifes job?

And where has he said he is not contributing. He repaid 23k of debt before 'she would marry him'. Which he did.

He has been told that he cannot spend the own money he earns. Yet he can spend it on what his wife says.

He has been told he cannot have any savings and MUST pay off his student loan. Must.

For someone who was careful with money, the wedding cost 13k in the end.

He was not allowed to spend any money on himself - she had a go at him for buying £10 worth of food because the fridge was empty.

It was a small upstairs window. She has the ar se about it because SHE left her rings on the window sill. It is a small upstairs window, you;d have to have a trained monkey to get into a small upstairs window. ANY empty house is an invitation to a burglar.

As for birthdays, despite having a calendar my husband NEVER remembers his families birthdays. Ever. Neither do my friends husbands. And I am supposed to scream and berate him over this as well? They do not either.

And all the senarios you describe, screaming like a nutter because someone has run the car out of fuel or left a window open or forgotten a birthday. You sounds like an absolute nutty fruitcake!! Those are minor things in every day life, why are you manic over these trivial things?? I've been married 12 years now and my husband doezs all the things the OP does - most men do. Until women start to realise this, they are going to spend a lot of their lives VERY angry. They are idiots, but we love them, I am damn sure I am not perfect either.

mogwai

Good post mrs_sparrow, I sometimes think the world would be a better place if everyone just relaxed and didn't sweat the small stuff

mikey72

I can't quite see the point of view of someof the posters.
The wallet seeems perfectly normal, my wife wouldn't expect to be asked to watch out for it, it's on the table, it's ours. I always do the same for her handbag.
Money, I work, she works, it all goes into one big pot, it gets spent on one credit card, and apart from checking the bill to make sure we actually spent it, and it's not a bogus transaction, that's it. No idea who spends what, and what it's on.
(And I've also forgotten the kids, among most other things, just left them at dance on the way home from work, and arrived home on my home. She did expect me go back for them, but yes, that was all, no tantrums.)

aliasojo

mikey72 wrote: »

I can't quite see the point of view of someof the posters.


(And I've also forgotten the kids, among most other things, just left them at dance on the way home from work, and arrived home on my home. She did expect me go back for them, but yes, that was all, no tantrums.)

I think what some of us are questioning is the frequency of the annoyances and the character of the OP.

We can all (well most of us anyway ) be calm and reasonable when little things happen now and then, but if these little things happen all the time and the person involved doesn't appear to do much in a practical sense to avoid them happening again and who's only response is 'sorry', then annoyance and frustration build up until it's 'the straw that broke the camel's back' time and the most calm person may easily snap and become short tempered.

Not that that excuses the way she spoke to him mind, but if frustration is involved it can go some way to explain why.

poet123

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

They have lived together 3 months and been married for one. It should be a damn sight longer than that before you 'lose your temper' and have a screaming fit over it!!

I am not sure that you can say that definitively.

I can count on one hand the number of real rows we have had during 30 years of married life but it is personality dependent. Some marriages are more volatile than others, some people are more easily riled and some are less able to compromise. The early days of marriage are a time when you have to accommodate each others foibles, and for some it is easier than for others.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

My friends and I chat about this all the time with our husbands and they are forgetful, lazy and do not do things 'just as we want them'. I could, no doubt, spent every day having a go at my husband for the things 'he has not done the way I want/like them'. But what's the point in having a screaming argument about it every 5 minutes - it makes you look like an irrational control freak. Just like your post did. We just laugh about it and go and do it when they are not looking. I'd never belittle him and send texts calling him stupid. And my friends are pretty much all of the same attitude as me. There is one that acts like the OP - we think she is a bit of a nutter and control freak. Oh, hold on......

I actually agree with you here, but some people would strongly disagree and say that by behaving in that way things will never get better and that you are enabling the man to coast through life unhindered by the small stuff. The other side of that is that sometimes you do just want to know xx will be done without any further input, if you engage in the above scenario, you can never be entirely sure of it.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

My husband has left his credit card on the table before - it was nothing that a phonecall to the card company did not sort out. Was I supposed to give him a tongue lashing??

No, but it is either forgetful, in which case there are strategies to be employed, or it is irresponsible, in which case it does need to be pointed out before it becomes a pattern. Only the two people in the relationship know which category that falls into.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

And on holiday I went on a coaster with my bag and they told me to remove it before I could ride. I had queued, no way I was going outside to the lockers so I took it off and left it on the side in full view of everyone. In it was my credit cards, my bank cards (and there was access to around 30k on those) and all of the cash we had. My husband did not give me the silent treatment for half an hour over it, nor did he scream the place down and have a tantrum over it. Yes there was some cash but there was nothing that a quick phone call would not sort out to cancel the cards.

Sorry, but that was plain irresponsible.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

This was also the woman that, before they married, who told him that he could not spend any money apart from on the things SHE agreed to and that he HAD to pay off his Student Loan because SHE wanted him to. He agreed. He admitted on his other thread that she was a control freak and he did not like it but when he gives into her it means she gets her own way.

I took this thread on face value I have no knowledge of the posting history.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

My friend has just come out of a 12 year marriage with a wife like this, she is incredibly selfish and self centred and yes, he was being abused. Financially, emotionally, verbally and in the end, physically. All because he did not do things in the way SHE wanted. And she will not change either, people like this never do, regardless of what people think.

And is he perfect?

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

It was a small upstairs window. She has the ar se about it because SHE left her rings on the window sill. It is a small upstairs window, you;d have to have a trained monkey to get into a small upstairs window. ANY empty house is an invitation to a burglar.

We don't know how many times this has happened, or why she is so uptight about it. I suspect we all have trigger points, yours may be different to mine and different to hers, that does not mean we are right and she is wrong. How she handles it is another matter.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

As for birthdays, despite having a calendar my husband NEVER remembers his families birthdays. Ever. Neither do my friends husbands. And I am supposed to scream and berate him over this as well? They do not either.

My husband is the same, in 30 years he has never sent a card to anyone but me. I don't mind particularly, but I can see that some women would.

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

And all the senarios you describe, screaming like a nutter because someone has run the car out of fuel or left a window open or forgotten a birthday. You sounds like an absolute nutty fruitcake!! Those are minor things in every day life, why are you manic over these trivial things?? I've been married 12 years now and my husband doezs all the things the OP does - most men do. Until women start to realise this, they are going to spend a lot of their lives VERY angry. They are idiots, but we love them, I am damn sure I am not perfect either.

Again, we all have our tolerance thresholds and differences in tolerances. What drives me mad would not phase you and vice versa. I think it is demeaning to men to call them idiots and "make allowances" what message does that send? If you are in a relationship you have find the level at which you can both accept and tolerate the differences between you. Where that level lies is individual and I don't think it is helpful to put a personal slant on it and say well I tolerate xxx so you should too. People are not like that.

mrs_sparrow

God help her if she ever has kids if she gets this stressy over an adult 'not doing the things she says' (which is ultimately what it boils down to). I've spent 7 years telling my daughter not to leave her clothes/books/toys/shoes on the floor and she still does. And she leaves the laptop on the windowsill with her 3DS on top. With the window open. I'll just move it myself otherwise I'll just spend the whole of my days full of anger and seriously, what is the point??

mrs_sparrow

poet, my money and cards were still there. Irresponsible, yes, but anything is if you think about it. Overtaking someone in a car, driving when you feel tired.... you could put the irresponsible lid on everything. No-one was going to die if I had my bag nicked, they might have been a few ££ richer but the cards could be cancelled. Not the end of the world.

I really cannot be bothered to spend my days nagging my husband to do stuff 'to the standard' I require things. I'd rather just go and do them myself then the job is done. I am sure if I mowed the lawn it would not be at the standard my husband requires so I do not even try. Ditto, decorating.

The guy has been around for a while, read some of his other threads for enlightenment into how his life is. I honestly have no idea why he married the woman after reading about the money, holiday she wanted and house issue. When someone mentioned it I remembered reading it a while back.

Men, are just men - problem is, women do not admit what is going on with their mates and they think they have got the short end of the straw and that no-one else is living like this. From speaking to all other women I know, they all pretty much say the same thing and we go to dinner and have a good laugh about it and know we are not alone and just get on with it. What do you get from being a bitter, spiteful, nagging wife?? We could just sit alone and brood about how my husband does not do x, y and z. There is no way he is changing now after living so long like this - in the same way I am not changing after living like I have, some people can live with each other, some people cannot - and should not if all they can do is scream at the other party for not doing things their way.

As someone said before, the only difference in this thread and any others where the word abuse would be used, is that the person on the receiving end has a pair of testicles. And the advice seems to be that he should 'grow a pair', 'man up' or 'change' where she should not have to change at all and he should be changing to accomodate her needs. And that is just wrong.