Dealing with an irrational wife

shellsuit

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

No, you have actions too and supposedly actions speak louder than words.

I have honestly never encountered a scenario with my husband like your bin example. There is no way I would go through that situation as you have described it, so many times, because the bin would be overflowing and smelly! Err, that's my point! I mean the collection bins by the way, not the household bins. It is obvious that change is required. Using this example, we would discuss reminder techniques, changing his assigned chore to something more suitable or yes, I would just put it out myself on the basis that it would take about 30 seconds. It doesn't take 30 seconds though, and why should I do it purely because he forgets to do it, when it's the one job he has to do around the house?

Now I know the bin was used as an example, but if your words aren't getting the desired result, you need to try something different to change the outcome. Your husband is clearly not bought in or bothered about the 'bin': it's not a priority for him.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Another thought: why ask him to do things? Have a family meeting where you discuss everything that needs to be done and then people choose what responsibilities they take on. When people see the huge list, they know they can't usually get away with 'going to work' & 'taking the bin out' once a week. ;-)

Why ask him to do things? I don't. It's just the 1 thing.

annie_d wrote: »

TBH shellsuit, if you get that angry about something as simple as taking out the bins then i would say, "Yes, you take them out"
I used to ask my husband to straighten the cushions when he got off the chaise longue in the kitchen but he never did and i would get annoyed/upset at the state of them. Then I decided that the cushions obviously didn't matter to him but they did to me....soooo, he gets up and I straighten them. Job done!

EVERYONE has a million things to do a day and EVERYONE thinks they do the most/their job is the hardest. If it bothers you that much then you attend to it. Life's too short for arguing about bins/cushions etc.

I don't think my job is the hardest and I don't know anyone who thinks that way.

If life is too short to argue about bins, then why doesn't my husband just take them out and bring them back in?

If he did that, there would be no arguments would there?

mrs_sparrow

So you argue over bins? Surely life is way to short. Personally I'd either do the bins myself or get the kids to do it. My husband does the bins, if he forgets I go out and do them.

Are you saying this is the one and only job you husband does around the house and he does nothing else whatsoever??

scooby088

Think i'd still tell my OH to get a grip even it was as something as petty as putting the bin out or getting it in.

Welshwoofs

andymc29 wrote: »

She is very OCD and will always check all her car doors after hearing the central locking when using her keyfob. She will also double check the front door is locked even after using the key to lock the deadbolt. she complains about anything out of place in the house, and she'll insist on the kitchen door being closed when we leave the house so people can't look in the kitchen window through to the corridor.

Being the sensitive, tactful soul that I am, I would enquire of her when the operation is scheduled to remove the pole from her a-rse.

To be blunt, your wife sounds like a controlling, mad b-itch of the type who'll end up putting a bunny in the pot if you don't do what she says...and I have a feeling that you'll be repenting this marriage at your leisure mate.

Re the wallet thing that people are calling you irresponsible about; now personally if I were your wife within clear sight of our breakfast table when I saw my husband stand up and leave his wallet on it...I'd term it a case of being bleeding obvious that I'd be keeping an eye on it whilst he got his food! Christ almighty...is she the sort of person who also needs 'This product contains nuts' printed on a packet of Cashews?

janninew

annie_d wrote: »

TBH shellsuit, if you get that angry about something as simple as taking out the bins then i would say, "Yes, you take them out"
I used to ask my husband to straighten the cushions when he got off the chaise longue in the kitchen but he never did and i would get annoyed/upset at the state of them. Then I decided that the cushions obviously didn't matter to him but they did to me....soooo, he gets up and I straighten them. Job done!

EVERYONE has a million things to do a day and EVERYONE thinks they do the most/their job is the hardest. If it bothers you that much then you attend to it. Life's too short for arguing about bins/cushions etc.

You say if its that important you should do it yourself, what if your partner is very lazy and no cleaning and tidying is important to them (my ex husband fits that category perfectly!) should the other partner have to do everything just because life's to short to ask them to do their fair share? What ever happened to cleaning up your own mess and taking responsibility?

My Mum use to say 'anything a man doesn't want to hear is nagging in their eyes!'

mountainofdebt

Her name isn't Christine Grey per chance is it,lol?

Seriously though (and I haven't read the whole thread) but OH managed to get into the house by putting his hand in through the small window of the bathroom and open the large window which he then climbed in through

Now that scared me - if a ok-ish fit man of 40 could do that then what could a teenager do ?

elisebutt65

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Her name isn't Christine Grey per chance is it,lol?

Seriously though (and I haven't read the whole thread) but OH managed to get into the house by putting his hand in through the small window of the bathroom and open the large window which he then climbed in through

Now that scared me - if a ok-ish fit man of 40 could do that then what could a teenager do ?

I always left my bedroom window open until last year, when my eldest got locked out so he climbed onto the bathroom flatroof and then jumped (eep) over to the window sill & clambered in.

But that's by the by. If I had a partner who talked to me like the OP's they'd soon be an EX partner.

Scorpio33

To the OP:

If it was me in the text conversation, it would probably go something like this:

Her: Why did you leave the bedroom window open? How many more times you must check and double check, do you not learn from your previous mistakes? Very cross and disappointed wife.

Me: Very Sorry for leaving the window open. Very stupid of me. So sorry xxx

Her: Not good enough I'm afraid. I just can't trust you!!! You are stupid and you need to take responsibility., I have lots of stuff which could never be replaced, please look after it, we would not be insured and my rings are under the window! Why are you so irresponsible!

Me: I can't believe the disrespect you are showing me. I made a mistake, I am human. I have said sorry and will try better - I can't promise anything as I am human and we all make mistakes at times. I am your husband and you should be able to trust me, but if you don't we seriously need some help. This is a partnership, a two way realationship and we need to be able to talk to each other openly and respectfully which you are not currently doing.



I don't think either of you are blameless, but you need to accept why what you do would upset her, and seriously work on that and she needs to understand exactly why the way she communicates can be perceived as aggressive.
If you can't change (or don't want to) then she needs to accept it as part of you or find someone more suitable and vice-versa.

This is exacly why most people should live together for at least a year before getting engaged - you never truely know someone until you have lived together.

gingin_2

OP, I hope you're alright and she's not banished you to the shed!

londonsurrey

Well, I had wondered if he had acquired a new burst of confidence in his housekeeping abilities, and has embarked on a belated spring clean!