Dealing with an irrational wife

andymc29

MY wife (of one month) likes to play everything safe. And get's very upset when I do anything at all that may be risky, whether on purpose or by accident. Here's a quick example of our text conversation when I got to work this morning. She was working a night shift last night so has just got home:

Her: Why did you leave the bedroom window open? How many more times you must check and double check, do you not learn from your previous mistakes? Very cross and disappointed wife.

Me: Very Sorry for leaving the window open. Very stupid of me. So sorry xxx

Her: Not good enough I'm afraid. I just can't trust you!!! You are stupid and you need to take responsibility., I have lots of stuff which could never be replaced, please look after it, we would not be insured and my rings are under the window! Why are you so irresponsible!

Me: I don't know how to respond. I'm hurt you're calling em stupid. It was an honest mistake and I can't say anything more than I'm sorry and will try to remember in future.

Her: Is that what you would tell the police and insurance company when they won't give us money? You think they would change their mind? Take responsibility and give me some respect.

Me: Let's talk about this when we can talk face to face. I don't want to keep texting as you're not getting how sorry I am. I do respect you but I will sometimes forget things. I am very sorry. I love you x




I was robbed a few years ago when I lived in a ground floor flat in a rough city area and left my kitchen window open one evening. Today it was an upstairs window in a cul-de-sac road in a small town.



I know it's not a MSE question really but would appreciate some advice as I trust these boards.

Gigglepig

I don't think your wife sounds irrational* at all. If you treat her like she is, it will probably rub her up the wrong way.....!

You are two people with different styles who will need to learn to communicate and compromise, that is what marriage is about :-)

Example -
If you have agreed to close the window, then you need to stick to it. If you don't stick to it then she may see it as disrespectful. She is not your mother and should not need to double check whether you do what you say you will.
You also need to work out what is an acceptable way of her reminding you about it, for example mention it once not go on and on. She needs an outlet for her frustration, you don't want to be nagged at, you both want to find a routine which ensures the window stays closed or perhaps you can buy some other lock type thing that secures the window.

*) To me an "irrational" fear would be if she was scared you'd be abducted by aliens. Wanting to protect her house by not leaving access to robbers is perhaps less risk-taking than you, but not irrational :-)

She sounds quite patronising/angry/rude by telling you off so many times, but it is also patronising of you to consider her irrational. So you both need to work on it :-)

fannyanna

What was she like when you both got home? Had she calmed down a bit?

tea_lover

So you left the window open (again, by the sounds of it) and she's narked at that. Hardly irrational.

cottonhead

Well I can see that she is obviously worried seeing what happended before but she seems to be speaking to you in a quite patronising way. However after a night shift I would let it lie! Sleep deprevation and stress can bring it the worst so she migt just be overreacting because of that. Not because she is mad at you.
How long have you been together ? If you didnt live together before marriage then these things take time. There will always be things that one of you does that irritates the other and it takes a while to learn just to let it slide. Nobody is perfect and your crime of leaving the window open is certainly not a biggy!
I know in my own marriage I try to let things slide rather than going on and on. With the message thing. Its not really going to help to keep texting each other and I wouldnt even say it warrants a coversation later. What started off as a mistake about the window is now going to be a conversation about how she spoke to you. Then she will probably come back on the defensive and it will esculate. Just leave it. Make her a nice bath or something later on and dont even mention it.

Voyager2002

Hardly irrational of her!

The fact is that everyone makes mistakes, and usually gets away with them. However, when someone makes a mistake that is potentially dangerous, it is good practice to call them on it. Text message is hardly the best way to have this kind of conversation. And most women sulk a bit before accepting an apology (particularly from a man, above all from a partner) so this is just something you need to accept.

findingmyownway

I don't think she's mad about the window per se, it seems like she feels a general lack of respect for her feelings/belongings from you. Have you had conversations about security before?

bluenoseam

She is being irrational, !!!!!! you cannot expect people to be 100% correct 100% of the time - and lets be blunt here, who's NEVER left the house with a window open? However ultimately what I'd be more concerned about would be the tone, that sounds to me like she considers you little more than a child and that's NOT healthy - you are equals in the relationship and she needs to start treating you as one.

Further to this, her rings were under the window, that's not your problem, that's 100% beyond refute HER problem, if you don't think they're safe there, put them in a jewelry box. However issue there is the rings could be tucked up all safe & secure, if someone's going to break into your home they won't care about the window being open and they're sure as hell not going to care where the rings are, they will find them & be away with them wherever they're hidden.

Sounds like she might have bigger issues which you're not discussing but ultimately she has an irrational fear that one small mistake's going to lead to something major. You can't live life fearing the worst happening or it WILL drive you crazy, you left a window open (heck mine's open 24/7 from around April to September!), that's not deserving of a gestapo like interrogation is it!

19lottie82

She sounds a bit mental. I'm going to be blunt here OP, but you need to nip this in the bud NOW!

OK, so you left the window open. Hardly the crime of the century. You definitely don't deserve t be spoken to like that!
If it was a husband talking to his wife like that, no doubt everyone on here would be up in arms, quoting "mental cruelty" and "womans aid"

gingin_2

My window has been almost permanently open for the last 6 weeks. It depends on the set up of your house as to whether it is safe or not.

I would worry that you are feeling the need to write threads on a forum about an irrational wife just one month after marriage. It sounds like a petty disagreement, you potentially have another 60 years together. Kiss and make up!

elantan

have to admit she has no right to speak to you like that and it is unnacceptable ... but i can totally understand her frustrations

my husband left our front door keys in the door ( on the outside) so many times for years and i kept at him reminding him not to do it we would be robbed etc but he didnt seem to take note

one day a few years ago he did it yet once again ... i came home found the keys in the door and thought no this has to stop

so i went in the house and phoned him when i spoke to him i put a scared hysterical tone in my voice , he said el i'm busy i said right no worries phone me when you get a min we have been robbed and the house destroyed but take your time

he understandably panicked i told him the robbers had spray painted the whole house and that it was destroyed windows scratched and things taken ... he really started to panic then ... i asked him did you leave your keys in the door again ... no came the reply ... i said well i dont know how they got in there seems to be no broken doors check your keys ...

so he did and couldnt find them, i then said !!!! ( obvioulsy i said much worse) we dont have a claim this is going to cost thousands and we have lost everything ...

my husband panicked and rushed home only to find me sitting with my feet up having coffee ... he started shouting at me to which i handed him his keys and said ... just practising for when this will happen if you keep up your current behaviour

funnily enough he has never forgotten his keys since

do you want that ?

or could you maybe just close the window and check before you go out ?