Always just friends

Saturnalia

I guess I have good days and bad ones, and probably will for some time now. I find myself thinking of all the lonely Christmases and birthdays, all the family dos where I'm at the end of the table with an empty chair opposite, all the 4am tears when I just want someone to hear me and hold me, nights where my last thought before going to sleep is wishing I won't wake up, and I don't know how much more I can take.

And then I try to remember that all that could change in a minute. The right person might sh ow up tomorrow. That minute could be all it takes to say goodbye to the misery for good.

But it's so hard to convince myself of that when it has never happened before. But I am trying to learn how to do all this and up my chances that it could!

And the quicker I can get last-crush out of my mind the better. I can't help thinking maybe we'll both be single at some point & get together - but NO! If he were the man for me he'd flaming well be with me, other girlfriends wouldn't cross his mind!

System

I find myself thinking of all the lonely Christmases and birthdays, all the family dos where I'm at the end of the table with an empty chair opposite, all the 4am tears when I just want someone to hear me and hold me, nights where my last thought before going to sleep is wishing I won't wake up, and I don't know how much more I can take.

You can have that and still be married you know. Last night i went to bed sobbing. Sobbing my heart out. I wanted someone to talk to but i had no one. Hubby was 130 miles away but would be angry about what i was upset over. Kids? They dont want to know..... One of them was the cause of my tears anyway and no one understands how i feel.

I'd have given anything for just one person to have held me even if they couldnt have put it right.

Travelqueen

Hey, I know what it's like to have crushes, and for them to either not notice or not feel the same way. Its soul destroying, particularly when you look around and think 'how did THEY get someone and I can't!?!' (maybe thats just me).
You asked how my boyfriend reacted to me being single for years. He wasn't bothered. More of a problem is my fears about him having essentially been a serial monogomist because I feel like I don't know how to behave in a relationship since the ones I had when I was much younger I always changed for them (as you can do when you're a teenager). I still struggle, and as the other posters have said its not all good - I wanted to kill him yesterday, but he's completely oblivious as to why.
The other thing you mentioned earlier (I think) was that you didn't like internet dating as it was all image based. eHarmony might also be a good choice as once again the men seem to be more serious (since it's not free past a certain stage) and you don't get to see a photo for a while. I hated it however as I found it really clunky to use and time consuming, but maybe you have more patience!
Try and stay positive, as hard as I know it is, 2 years ago I had just left my horrific job to start another one which was a 2hour commute each way (yes, I was that desperate to leave) and also trying to motivate myself to start internet dating again and not feel too jaded about it - the stories I could tell you... - then one of my friends suggested GS which I was skeptical of but thought I might as well, and so met my boyfriend. We're currently living overseas, which came up within a month of meeting, and whilst its not all been easy the truism that you 'never know what the next day brings' certainly holds weight for me.
Oh, and I did everything wrong by the rules. Went back for 'coffee' after the 1st date (ahem), saw him more times in 11 days than I had seen my previous person-I-was-trying-to-convince-myself-was-my-boyfriend in 6 months...
It will happen, honestly, it will, when you are ready (again, don't scream, you probably hear that all the time to). Until then, spend time on yourself, get fit, learn a language, travel, do whatever makes you happy as doing that will suddenly make you irresistible...
Good luck, and have a great weekend
TQ

Cat501

Judi wrote: »

You can have that and still be married you know. Last night i went to bed sobbing. Sobbing my heart out. I wanted someone to talk to but i had no one. Hubby was 130 miles away but would be angry about what i was upset over. Kids? They dont want to know..... One of them was the cause of my tears anyway and no one understands how i feel.

I'd have given anything for just one person to have held me even if they couldnt have put it right.

couldn't read and run - ((((hugs)))) Judi, I know where you're coming from, bl**dy kids can break your heart worse than any man xx

Saturnalia can I just say I'm really enjoying this thread and have loads of admiration for what you're doing - hang in there girl! xx

rdchick

I am definitely all for you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Keep your chin up. Keep being you and try and stay positive - who knows what's around the corner! xxx

Cat501

rdchick wrote: »

Keep being you

:T hear hear

rita-rabbit

a friend told me I was dressing `up' too much & I was sorely offended - then I took a look around me & realised that these men did seem to prefer more `natural' women - unless it was for one-nighters. I decided 2 dress `up' when socialising with friends (my own preference) & `down' = naturally/plainer less accessories when on dates. That said I also joined meetup.com as well as online dating sites & kept myself busy so I was enjoying life as a single rather than just scouring the sites for incoming messages - by being happier in myself I was more relaxed in my general approach/demeanor. I can't say I waited 11 years BUT I did have a long gap between significant men about 7 (with a a few short lived encounters plus a few short relationships in that gap) because I decided I needed 2 make myself happy first rather than desperately seeking a `significant other'. I will also add that I took up singing lessons (1 weekday evening) as well as attending meetup events so I had a full diary (something every few days not every day back to back - that's not fun that's hard work!) & arranged dates on weekdays keeping them short (some men do like to make dates for Friday or Saturday nights & I felt pressured to stay longer as I didn't have getting up for work the next day as a `good reason' to keep initial dates brief - 1 hour is a good first date duration).

Just remembered being overly available to be a man's `friend' can consign you to that role. Once or twice a week & no long telephone or onlineconversations means you retain your life & don't provide someone who wants support/entertainment without you being their partner (some online people want daily contact via their computer & that as far as I am concerned wasn't how I wanted to spend my time). Lastly if your diary is full you have something to look forward to & no cancelling arrangements with friends/hobbies/relatives for dates nor being available at short notice - you retain your self respect this way.

Good luck & best foot forward

Mossop93

Flirtiness - Twiddle your hair delicately. Gently bite your lip. Gently place your hand on his arm while talking to him.

Dates - A casual coffee invite and if it goes well invite them out for lunch. If they say yes and you arrange it a small smile and a flirty "It's a date" tends to do the trick.
For a lot of guys asking them "can we go on a date sometime" is sometimes a bit like asking if they want kids.

Conversation - Keep conversation casual e.g. about interests, places they've been and enjoyed etc. The topic of kids and marriage is very scary so although you may well want to know does he ever want kids and marriage don't ask until the pair of you are in a serious relationship together otherwise he will most likely run a mile.

Be more adventurous! - Go on a few girls nights, meet up with other people from your group on different occasions and enjoy being single. Have pamper days! Try a new look? I'm not saying you dress like a granny and should dress like a stripper but something as simple as trading a pair of smart work trousers for a nice pencil skirt can be enough to remind guys you are a lady. Maybe you could go on a girly shopping trip with some of the girls from your friends group and get your hair done or something?

Sex - Don't be afraid to have casual sex, at least give it a try if you haven't before and if you don't enjoy it. Get some toys! I know that sounds silly but once you get rid of sexual frustration the stress goes with it and you will be able to enjoy yourself and relax easier.

And most importantly of all - compliments! You may not feel confident enough to say to a guy that you really like him, but smaller things like telling him he looks nice or telling him how sweet he is for example point them in the right direction! Men are not mind readers - you need to give them a flashing neon sign!!

Feel free to ignore all that I just said, but I thought I'd offer my input because I am incredibly shy and did all these things and now I'm with an amazing man who spoils me rotten with attention and goodies, tells me he loves me everyday etc and best of all - copes with my Borderline Personality Disorder and the conditions it's bought with it. Not bragging just saying, don't lose hope. They do exist! xx

Saturnalia

Oh Judi, that sounds awful. I don't have children but I bet your child can hurt you like no-one else can, and your husband needs a shake for not listening to you!

I often want to thump these women who wail that they've been abandoned when their husbands go away for a week with work, but maybe it is very hard if you're used to having someone around you all the time,

I went out leafleting today and blokey was there, but I felt ok about it. Afterwards, he, I and one of the others went for lunch and it was nice, in fact I felt easier in his company than I have in a while. It's the 1st time we've seen each other in nearly a month as I felt I had to take a break for my own sanity, and had been dreading today a bit... But it went well, we laughed together like we always did, and it went ok. I think we will stay friends, and I agree with what others have said on here that maybe he didn't know I liked him as more than a mate.

About the smoking, the first month or so I knew him I hadn't smoked in front of him, then I saw him in town one day when I had a fag on the go, and he looked shocked then so sad and disappointed, and I can look back now and see that was when he cooled a bit towards me. I'll never know (without asking, which I won't) whether it was my habit that put him off, but it sure looks that way.

If only I'd done everything differently, how the story could be now...

System

Oh Judi, that sounds awful

Emotionally i can be quite strong but sometimes i just get caught off my guard.

I often want to thump these women who wail that they've been abandoned when their husbands go away for a week with work, but maybe it is very hard if you're used to having someone around you all the time,

To be honest, hes worked away for so long now (14 years) i am used to it but theres just a little bit of me sometimes gets emotional.... and thats when i have to tell myself to pull myself together.