Always just friends

Saturnalia

Hi all,

This is a situation I keep on ending up in and I wondered if any of you had faced it and could advise?

Early this year I started trying to improve my non-existent social life and have started getting out there and finding things I'm interested in and meeting people, I'm having fun too! I'm going to group organised events (Meetup etc.) where everyone is there to make friends so it's a situation where it is normal & comfortable to chat to everyone.

I've been single for 11 years now and there are times it's awful, but I was coming to terms with the fact I would always be on my own and started thinking about what else I wanted to do and how to enrich my life. So you have all guessed what happened next, haven't you!

I joined a local campaign group and met someone who absolutely knocked my socks off. It's such a cliche but this man truly was everything I've ever wanted in a partner. We got close, saw quite a lot of each other but always within the group, never alone together, we called and texted each other most days, we could talk about serious subjects but also giggle over silly things, the energy between us seemed incredible and I thought it was a matter of time until we got together.

Except not. A couple of weeks ago, he announced to the rest of the group in the pub that he had a new girlfriend. I had to sit there frozen and try to look happy and not break down howling. I did manage to exit stage left as soon as I decently could and keep it together until I got home. Since then the two of them have been at every event together and I have to watch them obviously lost in adoration for each another while I feel like I'm being ripped open again and again.

This has happened so many times I've lost count. All men ever want from me is friendship. I have no idea where I'm going wrong or what garbled signals I'm sending out, but men just don't see me as date-able, even though they want me around as a mate so I can't be all bad! It hurts so much to be always seen as sexless but I really don't know how to change it.

Any ideas? I am very shy which can't help matters, and everyone tells me I need to flirt more, but I've no idea how to. I think I look okay (I get compliments on my funky hair & outfits, and I think my face & figure are about average, you know what I mean, not stunningly beautiful but not ugly either.) People say I'm intelligent and seem to like talking to me, I love reading and learning and can hold a good conversation, which is very important as I'm into brainy men. Everyone says that they can't believe I'm single. Sorry if I sound like I'm bigging myself up here, I'm just trying to say that I don't know what the problem is with me!

Any ideas on how you show someone you want to be more than friends and stop this never-ending cycle? It's obviously too late for this man & me, but if the situation ever comes up again (I meet a man I like roughly once every 3 years!) I don't want to mess it up again.

Bogof_Babe

Have you thought about online dating sites? At least there's no misunderstanding about why you're on there, unlike with "friendship" groups.

Tropez

It can be hard but I would try and work on the shyness. Perhaps these men don't see you as "sexless" but confuse a shyness with a lack of interest on your part. You say that you thought it was only a matter of time before you and this man you were interested in were together but did you do anything to facilitate that?

You say you never saw each other outside of the group. Did you ever ask to do so? Or are you just a bit too shy and feel uncomfortable doing that?

newcook

next time you click with someone, bite the bullet and ask them out! yes its hurtful if they say no but its even more hurtful when you see them with someone else wishing it was you!

londonsurrey

It could be any number of things.

First of all, what is the new girl like? What differences do you have? For a lot of people, they have a certain "type" that they like. Some men like beautifully done up blondes, the men I've dated like petite, long hair and are put off by a lot of makeup.

Basic signals are important. How is your eye contact? How do you angle your body towards someone you're interested in? Posture, etc?

Could it be something as unfortunate as for some reason, a lot of the time, people think you're already attached?

hazyjo

I don't think he knew you fancied him. All I can say is - jump in there bloody quick girl if they split up!

Saying that, some people just aren't on the same wavelength. But then why would he be dating someone else if he wasn't looking for someone...

Gawd, just typed tonnes about some bloke I feel/felt the same for. Deleted as realise it's not relevant and I obviously still have issues lol.

Really hope it works out for you. They don't come along very often.

Jx

SandC

Please don't think it's that you are sexless or that everyone is destined to see you just as a friend. You are probably subconsciously acting only as a friend and not giving away any signals that you feel anything more than that.

The last guy I went out with I had to break the ice and move it from friends to something else. Problem is, I think I only did that because actually I wasn't that bothered about him. When I am into someone I overanalyse to the point of missing the boat completely. I may have missed out on a perfectly lovely holiday romance just lately because of my idiotic worrying about things instead of just going with the flow and opening up (all not lost, we are in touch as just as he was leaving I got brave and told him I'd miss him and offered him my phone number, which he accepted and we may meet up soon - or we may not hey ho).

I think the thing is you never know unless you bite the bullet and let someone know how you feel - because these days men often feel that they can't read the signals you think you are giving off in spades and they really do not want to ruin a friendship by wading in only to have got the wrong end of the stick.

This current situation sucks so maybe you should spend more time with the other people you've met recently and not this particular group - just until you feel more comfortable about things.

dizsiebubba

Just also to add... do you think perhaps you might give off the impression that you are very independant? just wondering if ment think you don't need them? x

Saturnalia

Tropez wrote: »

It can be hard but I would try and work on the shyness. Perhaps these men don't see you as "sexless" but confuse a shyness with a lack of interest on your part. You say that you thought it was only a matter of time before you and this man you were interested in were together but did you do anything to facilitate that?

You say you never saw each other outside of the group. Did you ever ask to do so? Or are you just a bit too shy and feel uncomfortable doing that?

No, I didn't do anything to move things along, not through lack of wanting to, but I didn't know how to. Asking him out seemed like too big and scary a step.

londonsurrey wrote: »

It could be any number of things.

First of all, what is the new girl like? What differences do you have? For a lot of people, they have a certain "type" that they like. Some men like beautifully done up blondes, the men I've dated like petite, long hair and are put off by a lot of makeup.

Basic signals are important. How is your eye contact? How do you angle your body towards someone you're interested in? Posture, etc?

This is where I really struggle. I don't make a lot of eye contact and people have commented on that, I do look people in the face but not in their eyes very much. I do do the leaning towards and smiling more at someone I'm interested in, but it doesn't work. Body language just seems to be something I can't do.

dizsiebubba wrote: »

Just also to add... do you think perhaps you might give off the impression that you are very independant? just wondering if ment think you don't need them? x

More than likely, I've been on my own for that long that it was be independent or go under! :rotfl:

londonsurrey

Saturnalia wrote: »

This is where I really struggle. I don't make a lot of eye contact and people have commented on that, I do look people in the face but not in their eyes very much. I do do the leaning towards and smiling more at someone I'm interested in, but it doesn't work. Body language just seems to be something I can't do.

I have Asperger's Syndrome, which means that the eye contact thing doesn't come naturally to me either.

If eyes are a problem, then look at the eyebrows. It is a bit mechanical, but hey, if he's worth it, it's your version of making the effort to put on lipstick.

Do you try mirroring body language and other stereotypical gestures like playing with your hair and very subtly running your finger up and down a wineglass?

My problem is that I'm a tactile fiddler and had to learn to stop playing with my hair. Lol.

It sounds silly and calculated, but the majority of the population do all these little things without thinking about it, so don't feel to stupid trying them.

Tropez

Saturnalia wrote: »

No, I didn't do anything to move things along, not through lack of wanting to, but I didn't know how to. Asking him out seemed like too big and scary a step.

The trick is not to ask them out in the traditional sense. You invite them to meet you for a coffee - something like "Oh hey, I'll be near you/where you work on Wednesday. Fancy meeting up for a coffee?".

Ideally, they say yes and you get them alone just one on one (well in a cafe but close enough). It shouldn't be that hard to assess from how they behave towards you whether they're interested or not, especially if they suggest that you do it again, and even more so if they suggest that you should definitely do it again. But simple things such as how they look at you when you're talking, whether they forget the time, whether they compliment you/notice things about you etc. are all the type of things that you can't really ascertain in a group situation but can one on one.