Always just friends

londonsurrey

Saturnalia wrote: »

Thinking about it, perhaps it is worth some experimentation. You see, I like geeky men and they are never the trendy type appearance-wise, and I wonder if perhaps they think I'll be superficial & high-maintenance? Or that they think I'll be too "cool" for them and I'm out of their league?

There are a couple of other things I'd like to change too. I'm sick of being a smoker and ready to have a serious go at kicking fags. That's a real turn-off since most people nowadays don't smoke and I know most non-smokers would never date a smoker. I stopped for 4 months a couple of years ago using patches so I'll get some at the weekend and go for it again.

Also I am a tad heavier than I'd like to be, a healthy weight for my height but a tad lumpy round the middle, so again the time is right to get myself in shape. It's seemed like a waste of time trying to get fit while still smoking, but no excuses anymore!

I know that none of this is going to suddenly have men dropping at my feet, but at least I'll be a healthier and happier single lass.

The appearance thing might be true. I remember Joan Collins saying that when she was a teenager, her friends would be asked to dance, and she would be left all alone at their table.

In her later years, she found out that the boys would have liked to have asked her, but thought she was out of their league.


Smoking is a big thing. So go for it!

Getting in shape is great anyhow. Have you considered belly dancing? It gets you fit rather than just boring weight loss. It tones you, and makes you appreciate your curves. At the last show I attended, a couple of the dancers were heavily pregnant, and happily doing the dances.

SandC

Saturnalia, many people use the size/weight thing as an excuse to carry on smoking, linking the two to not being able to tackle both at the same time - indeed saying dealing with one will increase the other.

I stopped smoking in March 2009. I am also approaching 4 stone lighter than I was then. It's all part of an overall healthier lifestyle.

I have been single for approaching five years, except for that ill judged 2 month dating thing I had earlier this year. I decided the smoking had to stop as that restricted my choices of eligible men considerably. And okay so it hasn't exactly opened loads of doors for me I know when I do meet someone I don't have that aspect to stress about (and I have met guys in my time who appeared to have no problem with the smoking only to have serious issues with it once they got close enough to start finding fault).

Birdie85

It does sound like your image is somewhat at odds with how you act. You say you're shy but you have funky hair and wear kind of outlandish clothes. Maybe that's giving off mixed signals and people can't quite figure you out so keep their distance instead? I think you're right that some men might think that you're too cool for them! No need to turn into a Stepford Wife but maybe going a little more mainstream with how you look will help, although no need to go so far as baggy jeans and white shirts, they sound unflattering and boring! I'm not cool at all and find people with awesome hair and clothes quite intimidating, it's wrong of me to act like that but I keep my distance because I assume they won't want anything to do with me because I'm so uncool!

Glad to hear you plan on ordering Superflirt, I read it a few years ago and found it really interesting! Also made spotting the people at work who were having 'secret' affairs a lot easier! :rotfl:

Saturnalia

SandC wrote: »

Saturnalia, many people use the size/weight thing as an excuse to carry on smoking, linking the two to not being able to tackle both at the same time - indeed saying dealing with one will increase the other.

I stopped smoking in March 2009. I am also approaching 4 stone lighter than I was then. It's all part of an overall healthier lifestyle.

I have been single for approaching five years, except for that ill judged 2 month dating thing I had earlier this year. I decided the smoking had to stop as that restricted my choices of eligible men considerably. And okay so it hasn't exactly opened loads of doors for me I know when I do meet someone I don't have that aspect to stress about (and I have met guys in my time who appeared to have no problem with the smoking only to have serious issues with it once they got close enough to start finding fault).

Hey, well done you! :T

I've made a few attempts at quitting before but always felt that I should stop smoking and was deprived of something I enjoyed, whereas now I don't enjoy smoking any more and I feel that I really want to stop.

I know from experience that stopping the cigs does put weight on me, but not very much and it all settles down after the first month or so, and if I take up exercising as well it'll minimise the damage.

And if I'm not wasting money on a bad habit, I can afford to take up dance classes or something else interesting, like LS suggested.

FBaby

Saturnalia wrote: »

It is going to be tricky as I feel so battered by this, not only this time but it seems whenever I have feelings for someone they use that against me to hurt me... but it's only by trying again and again that I'll find someone who doesn't. It's so tempting to run away and think I'll never put myself in such a vulnerable position again, but maybe I've been doing too much of that and now the pain of being always alone plus the regret of letting a good thing go is worse than that of rejection. Plus that way I won't waste time dreaming of what could be, I'll be finding out what is really there and one way or the other I'll know soon.

Obviously we can all only guess at what this man thought of me, or thought that I thought of him. I'd prefer to think he didn't know as that means he wasn't being deliberately cruel... but then that means it was me who got everything wrong, aargh!

That's the attitude! I've never been in the situation of seeming not to interest men, but in the situation of men not wanting to make any commitment to be past a couple of dates. It's very much the same. I too struggled to understand why because I was persuaded I was needy or giving the wrong vibes, but after it happened again and again, I had to come to terms that maybe I just did give the wrong vibes, yet I didn't really know how else to be without coming across as not interested at all... By the time I was 28, I never had a 'proper' boyfriend, that despite being attractive and intelligent. I was really starting to lose all confidence in myself...until I met my ex out of the blue. The meeting was no different to ones I had before, the first dates neither, so after the 3rd, I waited for the inevitable...except the inevitable never happened. I was vulnerable, if he didn't call, I thought that was it, but the let down didn't happen and we moved on pretty quickly into a committed relationship, my first.

Unfortunately, it didn't last, but it showed me that my lack of getting a man to commit to me had nothing to do with me directly as I'd acted no different with him. A year or so after our separation, I started dating again, mainly through the internet. I mostly met men who did nothing to me one way or another, and two who once again seemed as keen as I, but disappeared with spurious excuses after a couple of dates (and nothing to do with them having had what they were after as they didn't!). Again, after more than 4 years, I started questioning myself, mainly whether my standards were too high, but I just couldn't accept to have to 'settle for less', and as I was about to give up with the site, I was contacted by my now partner. Once again, things went really quickly even though he is naturally a slow paced person. Once again, there were no opportunities for misreading each other's intentions. He said he would call, he called, he said we would go out, we did, he said he wasn't just after sex, he wasn't etc...

My experience is that when a man knows what he wants, he does go for it, however shy he is. The idea that he doesn't make a move because he is unsure of the other's person feeling is a misconception in my book. They don't bother to analyse things as we women do. They like a woman, they go for it one way or the other!

My advice would be what you've said above. Don't give up, keep going. To assume that there is something wrong with you, just that somehow he didn't fancy you most likely because you were just not his type. Very often, it is silly things. Mine is ridiculous... I am very particular about personal smells. I once met a guy I got along great with, thought he was very attractive, had a lot of common with, but as I got closer to him, I realise that his smell repulsed me. He didn't 'smell', it was just chemical, I couldn't help it!

warwicktiger

FTAO of the OP,

I'm a bloke, reluctantly now single who has enough females friends but not the special one so if you or any other females reading, if you are vaugely in or near the midlands and would not be put off by a very slim 54 year old, get in touch!

Saturnalia

Well well well!

I came into work this morning wearing a plain-ish outfit that I really like, smart pale grey trousers and a grey and white striped shirt, and was doing the thing of looking at visitors' eyebrows and smiling while greeting them, and I got asked out by the rat-man!!! Who said I had beautiful eyes, which he wouldn't have seen if I hadn't been looking!

Though being as awkward as I am, when he asked if I was free tonight to come for a drink, I thought he was joking and started laughing then his face fell and I felt really nasty! So I apologised and said I'd thought he was joking, told him I was free for an hour and we're going to meet up.

Blimey! I didn't expect results this quickly! I don't think this guy is going to be the big love of my life but it's just a drink and it will be good fun.

barbiedoll

Yay!

Have a nice time! :beer:

Saturnalia

Well it was good fun. We went for one drink, I know I don't fancy Rat-Man but we had a nice chat, he's good company and I think it was good practice, getting out there, using my social skills and spending one-on-one time with a man.

(Of course, it's easy when you aren't mad-keen on them isn't it, it's when the stakes are high that I mess it up!)

I've also been asking for honest advice from my male friends & relatives and opinion seems to be that the inch-long-glittery-fingernails have to go ("Too scary" and "scream high-maintenance hard-work WAG-wannabe" apparently, well I asked for honesty and certainly got it!) and that I should tone down my make up and learn to smile and relax a bit more, it seems I "look uptight, harsh and unapproachable" and growing my hair a bit might soften my face a tad. I love men and their straight-talking!

And my sister, who has a lovely style (quite mainstream but with individual touches) has told me we're going out shopping together when I next visit.

Of course there's still my big problem of getting stupidly tongue-tied and not being able to think of what to say (then thinking of a brilliant line once I've left the room!) but everyone is telling me that will only come with practice and won't be so scary after the first few times.

I'm off to another Meetup this weekend so again will have people to practice on.

I'm feeling quite enthusiastic about breaking out of my narrow little comfort zone - well, more like expanding the comfort zone really!

Taadaa

I didn't see the original post, but well done you for taking the feedback on the chin and wanting to make some changes.

I used to get tongue tied all the time, not just around men, in any social group situation. You will become more confident in time, and care less about getting it wrong and being judged.