Always just friends

Barny1979

zenmaster wrote: »

Good job she wasn't wearing her rose tinted specs that day.

Was she wearing her beer goggles instead?;)

Saturnalia

I've read the reviews for that "Superflirt" book and it sounds really interesting, Amazon also has "Flirting For Dummies" (which is certainly me! ) and I've heard the Dummies books are very good, so come Friday-Payday I'm ordering both!

LondonSurrey, I've been trying that looking at the eyebrows thing and I've noticed people seem to be smiling and chatting to me a lot more than usual! I'm on a busy reception desk this week so have plenty of test subjects. Next week I'm on a quiet desk so can devour my books instead!

I like your suggestion about thinking about making the change as speaking a foreign language - I've learnt two and spent time in those countries so I clearly can adapt and like you, I found it easy to acclimatise gradually, so much so I didn't realise I was doing it.

VestanPance wrote: »

Obviously we can only comment on what you post, but I see nothing to suggest he doesn't like you. It's unknown if that is like as a friend, or would have been interested in more though.

It's not a given he understood you had developed feelings for him beyond friendship either. It's not unthinkable he thought you wouldn't be bothered about him turning up with his girlfriend. Most people do get carried away in the first few weeks of a relationship, so it's likely he was thinking about her and everything else fades to the background.

I've no doubt you feel hurt about how things have turned out and I wish you all the best in getting over what happened. If you do want to pursue relationships in the future though it does sound like you may have to lay your cards on the table. Either through flirting, or just being open and more active in getting that first date. When the gig didn't work out as you couldn't get tickets you should have just asked him out for a drink or a meal. Just be open that you'd like to date him. The fact nothing happened when you where both free that night when you could get to the gig could look like it was the band you wanted to see, not him.

It is going to be tricky as I feel so battered by this, not only this time but it seems whenever I have feelings for someone they use that against me to hurt me... but it's only by trying again and again that I'll find someone who doesn't. It's so tempting to run away and think I'll never put myself in such a vulnerable position again, but maybe I've been doing too much of that and now the pain of being always alone plus the regret of letting a good thing go is worse than that of rejection. Plus that way I won't waste time dreaming of what could be, I'll be finding out what is really there and one way or the other I'll know soon.

Obviously we can all only guess at what this man thought of me, or thought that I thought of him. I'd prefer to think he didn't know as that means he wasn't being deliberately cruel... but then that means it was me who got everything wrong, aargh!

Pennywise

The "being friends" bit is a red herring really. Once the other person has got a new partner, you're history anyway, and unlikely to remain close friends. Either way, you'll lose them, so why not take the plunge and tell them how you feel.

I know that's easy to say, and I'd have a hard job following my own advice, but it's really the only way.

I've been there a few times and it's just pointless. Frightened of pushing things too far or showing my feelings, ending up a "good friend", but then when they get a new partner, the friendship ends anyway, so you're left with nothing.

Luckily my OH is a lot more forward than me. Otherwise we'd have never got together and we're at 25 years and still counting. But if I were ever in the position of looking around again, I'd really try my utmost to jump in and forget the friends things. Worse thing that can happen is they say no, but why's that worse than being sad and alone and pining for someone you'll never have.

ali-t

podperson wrote: »

I agree that while guys do like independent women (ie not needy) then if you come across as too independent then it seems like you don't need/want a relationship. Perhaps you play it a little too cool - I know when you're shy it can be hard to actually outright flirt but you can still encourage someone more. Most guys I know can find it a little scary asking out someone if they have no idea what the answer might be!

OMG, that could be written about me! The feedback over the years I have had from male friends is that I give out serious Ice Maiden vibes to men that I don't know. It tends to give the impression of a lack of tolerance but it honestly isn't, more ackwardness that comes across that way. I am totally different when I get to know people and feel comfortable with them.

Like the OP, I just don't know how to switch off the negative side of things.

londonsurrey

Tropez wrote: »

Are you related to Shteeve McClaren by any chance?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZnoP4sUV90

I highly suspect not, but am a paid up member of the Uncontrollable Accents Club.

londonsurrey

Saturnalia wrote: »

LondonSurrey, I've been trying that looking at the eyebrows thing and I've noticed people seem to be smiling and chatting to me a lot more than usual! I'm on a busy reception desk this week so have plenty of test subjects. Next week I'm on a quiet desk so can devour my books instead!

Excellent result, and I do love the idea of all these unsuspecting subjects obligingly presenting themselves to you in a continuous stream as you sit at a your desk.

Saturnalia

Well no-one ever has been interested in being with me, so I guess I have no realistic options left.

(Apart from the three boyfriends I had all those years ago, all of whom led on they really wanted to be with me but who didn't treat me in a loving way, then cheated and left me for the OW)

Lotus-eater

Saturnalia wrote: »

Well no-one ever has been interested in being with me, so I guess I have no realistic options left.

Then if you want to, maybe you should change the way you look.

Saturnalia

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Then if you want to, maybe you should change the way you look.

Thinking about it, perhaps it is worth some experimentation. You see, I like geeky men and they are never the trendy type appearance-wise, and I wonder if perhaps they think I'll be superficial & high-maintenance? Or that they think I'll be too "cool" for them and I'm out of their league?

There are a couple of other things I'd like to change too. I'm sick of being a smoker and ready to have a serious go at kicking fags. That's a real turn-off since most people nowadays don't smoke and I know most non-smokers would never date a smoker. I stopped for 4 months a couple of years ago using patches so I'll get some at the weekend and go for it again.

Also I am a tad heavier than I'd like to be, a healthy weight for my height but a tad lumpy round the middle, so again the time is right to get myself in shape. It's seemed like a waste of time trying to get fit while still smoking, but no excuses anymore!

I know that none of this is going to suddenly have men dropping at my feet, but at least I'll be a healthier and happier single lass.

tea_lover

Saturnalia wrote: »

I know that none of this is going to suddenly have men dropping at my feet, but at least I'll be a healthier and happier single lass.

You might be surprised... the increase in confidence from making those changes could really change how you come across to people. Not that I'm saying you're doing anything wrong now of course, not at all, just that us shy people are sometimes misunderstood! A lot of times people have thought I'm being cool, standoffish, or even rude - when actually I'm just desperately trying to think of something to say.

I think having some personal goals is a great idea. Good luck .