Always just friends

princeofpounds

Any ideas on how you show someone you want to be more than friends and stop this never-ending cycle?

Yes. Try telling them. Men are not mind-readers, particularly if you are being subtle. And it sounds to be like you are the sort of person who is almost ninja-like subtle. Great for sneaking into the enemy compound and assassinating the shogun. Less useful for relationships!

This exposes you to the risk of rejection, and a lot of people can't handle that. But if you are an adult you should be able to cope. Also, try to keep it light. If you ask someone out and refer to it as a date, that is telling them without asking them what colour they want they baby's room to be!

It's obviously too late for this man & me, but if the situation ever comes up again (I meet a man I like roughly once every 3 years!) I don't want to mess it up again.

I wouldn't ever criticise you for having standards, but I would suggest that if you want to keep standards high and meet someone then you should try to meet as many new 'candidates' as possible. A certain amount of it is a numbers game, if we all take off the rose-tinted specs.

Saturnalia

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Have you thought about online dating sites? At least there's no misunderstanding about why you're on there, unlike with "friendship" groups.

I have tried online sites and came away more demoralised than ever. For a start, it's all about appearance and that doesn't work for me, I decide I like someone after I've spoken to them and I like their personality.

The only messages I ever got were from men who clearly hadn't read my profile, wrote in textspeak, wanted one thing only and had profile pics of them posing with the lads, holding their pints aloft and looking lairy. Not a positive experience, it left me feeling more than ever like no-one wanted what I had to offer.

Although maybe I was fishing in the wrong pond there.

londonsurrey wrote: »

Could it be something as unfortunate as for some reason, a lot of the time, people think you're already attached?

I don't really get this, as surely if you met someone and felt something, the first thing you would ascertain is whether they are single? It's quite easy as here most single people house-share until they are middle-aged, so asking someone if they house-share is usually the conversation-opener.

SandC wrote: »

Please don't think it's that you are sexless or that everyone is destined to see you just as a friend. You are probably subconsciously acting only as a friend and not giving away any signals that you feel anything more than that.

The last guy I went out with I had to break the ice and move it from friends to something else...

I think the thing is you never know unless you bite the bullet and let someone know how you feel - because these days men often feel that they can't read the signals you think you are giving off in spades and they really do not want to ruin a friendship by wading in only to have got the wrong end of the stick.

See, everyone says stuff like this but I really can't get my head around how it is done IRL!

SandC

Nor me Saturnalia, that's my problem! Except as I said for the guy earlier in the year and I realised it's cos I wasn't that fussed about him - we didn't last long! When I AM into someone I'm rubbish.

Not much help am I but at least you are not alone in this!

VestanPance

londonsurrey wrote: »

...the men I've dated like petite, long hair and are put off by a lot of makeup.

I don't ever recall dating londonsurrey!

VestanPance

Saturnalia wrote: »

See, everyone says stuff like this but I really can't get my head around how it is done IRL!

As a bloke of the species male I'd say unless a guy is very shy then if he is interested in you in any sort of sexual manner he'd make a move/ask you out.

Signals can pass up by completely unnoticed. Us men folk devised these things called words that wee use to communicate with each other through the medium of language. If you are interested in guy just ask him out. It's the sure fire way to find out if he's interested.

If you're not a flirt then many will think you are just being friendly. I'm not remotely flirty either, so I know for a fact that many people find it very hard to judge if I'm ever interested in anyone. To the point that my ex's friends used to say they found me impossible to "read" until they got to know me and discovered I talk the same way to you ladies as I do with my male friends.

Devi

Hi OP,

i could have written your post!

I get myself into exactly the same situation every couple of years (really falling for someone but never admitting it to them and then being gutted when i find out they are in a relationship/got a new girlfriend etc) and I can now see the pattern in my behaviour to the point where i am just about plucking up the courage to change it - for the next guy...

I have tried dating sites too - they don't work for me either but I am going to try and expand my social circle by going to meetups to see if i can meet some likeminded people and whether that will lead to anything more.

Sick of being single!

LittleMoog

Saturnalia wrote: »

This is where I really struggle. I don't make a lot of eye contact and people have commented on that, I do look people in the face but not in their eyes very much. I do do the leaning towards and smiling more at someone I'm interested in, but it doesn't work. Body language just seems to be something I can't do.

I once got a really useful piece of advice from a recruitment agent before an interview (unlikely I know!) - if you find making eye contact difficult focus on the top of the person's ear instead - you look like you're making eye contact, and can see all their facial expressions etc, but it's less uncomfortable for you. I'm quite shy with new people and this works well for me at meetings etc. Not tried it in a social setting, but sure it would work the same way

Saturnalia

VestanPance wrote: »

As a bloke of the species male I'd say unless a guy is very shy then if he is interested in you in any sort of sexual manner he'd make a move/ask you out.

See that's what I've always been told, that a man who likes someone will ask them out, and not only that, they'll do it quickly, thinking that if the other person is that great, they'll have lots of interest and they'd better get in quick before she takes up another offer!

It just never happens to me. Eleven bloody years!

Birdie85

Read this book 'Superflirt', it will help you work on what kind of body language to use and it'll also make you more aware of other people's body language, so even if you don't feel comfortable twirling your hair and biting your lip you'll pick up on what the men around you are doing to indicate that they're interested in you.

I agree with other posters' advice about trying to get more one-on-one time with the objects of your affections and never wait for a man to make the first move, sadly I think those days are over! If I had waited for my DH to make the first move from friend to 'more'... well we'd still be stuck in the friend rut!

Lotus-eater

Saturnalia wrote: »

See that's what I've always been told, that a man who likes someone will ask them out, and not only that, they'll do it quickly, thinking that if the other person is that great, they'll have lots of interest and they'd better get in quick before she takes up another offer!

It just never happens to me. Eleven bloody years!

Alot of men are shy as well you know

If we don't get the right signals, we won't ask you out. Also, have you thought you may be out of the guys you are interested in's league? Or they might think you are, no one wants a rejection.

I'm just guessing I don't know you obviously.