Always just friends

Saturnalia

Sorry I am posting constantly, my multi-quoter is playing up for some reason and I'm losing bits :rotfl:

Dunroamin wrote: »

Didn't you contact anybody you liked the look of or did you just wait for people to contact you?

I didn't find anyone I liked the look of, as I said photos/superficiality doesn't attract me, and I think I was on the wrong site as I didn't see anyone whose writing attracted me either.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You sound very interesting, but some people prefer Boden

Don't take this the wrong way, but with the leopardskin the red and the hair, you probably scare some men off.
I'm not saying change, just pointing out what may be happening.

Obviously true, everyone has different tastes after all. But I've seen women with styles right across the spectrum who have no trouble forming relationships.

It's crossed my mind that maybe I should calm down, buy some baggy jeans and white shirts, after all I manage to dress quite conservatively for work (although I always have an interesting piece of jewellery on at least). Hell, it's worth a try. But then I'll go shopping and see a dress with stars and planets printed all over it and there goes that plan...:rotfl: (This happened. Last week.)

Lotus-eater

I say stay yourself.

londonsurrey

Maybe if you think of it as learning to speak another language to communicate to another type of person, rather than changing yourself completely and forever?

I've lived in different countries, and adjust slightly accordingly. Apparently, I take it a tad too far sometimes, and start (badly) taking on the accent of the person I'm talking to .

This will probably sound strange, but I consider talking to animals akin to learning a foreign language. I don't think we are actually going to have a nice talk over a cup of tea, but if you are an animal person, you know about modulating your tone, and changing your posture according to whether you're trying to coax a scared dog, tempt a playful one into a game, or dominate a stubborn one.
Little gestures can be meaningful, like "munching", which is a sign of submission with horses and cats.

Well, people are not that different. It's just different signals. And they do say men are a different species.

So, after launching into a nice conversation in this other species, you can revert back to yourself. You're not changing you, you're just becoming multilingual!

podperson

I agree that while guys do like independent women (ie not needy) then if you come across as too independent then it seems like you don't need/want a relationship. Perhaps you play it a little too cool - I know when you're shy it can be hard to actually outright flirt but you can still encourage someone more. Most guys I know can find it a little scary asking out someone if they have no idea what the answer might be! I must admit that I've never felt quite right asking someone out (I don't think there's anything wrong with a women asking out a man, it's just not quite me!) but I often used to drop hints, eg I'm really wanting to see the new xx movie, it looks great or I'm over on your side of town next week, where's good to kill a few hours. If the guy actually likes you he'll usually pick up on it.
Also I agree, you shouldn't need to change yourself, if someone doesn't like you for the way you are in the first place then it's not going to be the best relationship anyway.

Tropez

londonsurrey wrote: »

I've lived in different countries, and adjust slightly accordingly. Apparently, I take it a tad too far sometimes, and start (badly) taking on the accent of the person I'm talking to .

Are you related to Shteeve McClaren by any chance?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZnoP4sUV90

barbiedoll

OP, you say that you're shy but you managed to strike up a nice friendship with this guy. You spent a lot of time together, you were texting each other etc etc. It sounds as though he thought that you were quite happy to be friends only. Many men like a bit of a "chase", they don't realise that a girl who is a friend may be a dating prospect, they can separate the two quite easily. Of course, it may be that you simply aren't his "type", that is no reflection on you or your attractiveness, it's just the way things are. But as a woman who has had a lot of male friends (after working in very male-orientated environments) I can see that women do behave very differently around men that they fancy.

Flirting is a very hard act to master if it doesn't come naturally to you and personally, I find the girly hair-twirling and leg-crossing a bit cringe-worthy! But I think that some of the guys on here do have a point, if you aren't "flirty" enough but you know that you have a connection with a man, then ask him out!

And just because this guy has slipped through your fingers, remember that you can never have too many male friends. After all, they have other friends, one of whom could just be the man of your dreams! Don't give up, practice your "come-hither" look (I understand that it's very hard to twiddle with a cropped hair-do!) and get back out there. Good luck!

Saturnalia

I've left something out here. I asked him to come to a gig with me, I'd got a flyer for it and knew he was into that style of music too, so I told him I was going and did he want to come along? He said yes but when I rang to get tickets it was sold out. He seemed disappointed and we both said we'd have to arrange something else, but I was busy the next couple of weeks & as for him, looking at his FB it seems he met the girlfriend a week or so later.

So I probably did make it clear I wanted to spend time with him and maybe he was confused that I hadn't organised anything else, but then again why didn't he instead of taking off with someone else? Maybe I was too casual as I didn't say it was a date, I said I was going anyway & maybe he'd like to come too. Then didn't follow up in the next couple of days after it didn't go ahead. See, too independent again.

I don't know. It just hurts so much that he led me to believe he liked me then told me about the girlfriend via public humiliation. Then gave me no time to recover before bringing her to everything and being all over her in front of me. I'm going to have to take a little break from that scene to recover, and I did nothing wrong but like him.

With friends like that, huh! Fair enough he didn't want me but why be so cruel about it?

londonsurrey

Saturnalia wrote: »

I've left something out here. I asked him to come to a gig with me, I'd got a flyer for it and knew he was into that style of music too, so I told him I was going and did he want to come along? He said yes but when I rang to get tickets it was sold out. He seemed disappointed and we both said we'd have to arrange something else, but I was busy the next couple of weeks & as for him, looking at his FB it seems he met the girlfriend a week or so later.

So I probably did make it clear I wanted to spend time with him and maybe he was confused that I hadn't organised anything else, but then again why didn't he instead of taking off with someone else? Maybe I was too casual as I didn't say it was a date, I said I was going anyway & maybe he'd like to come too. Then didn't follow up in the next couple of days after it didn't go ahead. See, too independent again.

I don't know. It just hurts so much that he led me to believe he liked me then told me about the girlfriend via public humiliation. Then gave me no time to recover before bringing her to everything and being all over her in front of me. I'm going to have to take a little break from that scene to recover, and I did nothing wrong but like him.

With friends like that, huh! Fair enough he didn't want me but why be so cruel about it?

He may have been interested in you, but as he wasn't officially with you, he was a free agent, and so maybe an opportunity came up with this girl and he took it.

As for not warning you, there are three possibilities:
- he didn't know about your feelings for him
- he didn't care or it didn't occur to him to do it any other way
- he felt a bit awkward, but convinced himself that there was nothing between you because it's easier for him

Although the second option is boorish, the third option strikes me as worse as it is the most cowardly.

Anyhow, be he boorish or cowardly, you've saved quite a bit of of your life not wasted on him.

VestanPance

Saturnalia wrote: »

I don't know. It just hurts so much that he led me to believe he liked me then told me about the girlfriend via public humiliation. Then gave me no time to recover before bringing her to everything and being all over her in front of me. I'm going to have to take a little break from that scene to recover, and I did nothing wrong but like him.

With friends like that, huh! Fair enough he didn't want me but why be so cruel about it?

Obviously we can only comment on what you post, but I see nothing to suggest he doesn't like you. It's unknown if that is like as a friend, or would have been interested in more though.

It's not a given he understood you had developed feelings for him beyond friendship either. It's not unthinkable he thought you wouldn't be bothered about him turning up with his girlfriend. Most people do get carried away in the first few weeks of a relationship, so it's likely he was thinking about her and everything else fades to the background.

I've no doubt you feel hurt about how things have turned out and I wish you all the best in getting over what happened. If you do want to pursue relationships in the future though it does sound like you may have to lay your cards on the table. Either through flirting, or just being open and more active in getting that first date. When the gig didn't work out as you couldn't get tickets you should have just asked him out for a drink or a meal. Just be open that you'd like to date him. The fact nothing happened when you where both free that night when you could get to the gig could look like it was the band you wanted to see, not him.

zenmaster

princeofpounds wrote: »

I wouldn't ever criticise you for having standards, but I would suggest that if you want to keep standards high and meet someone then you should try to meet as many new 'candidates' as possible. A certain amount of it is a numbers game, if we all take off the rose-tinted specs.

This reminds me of my friend.

There was a girl on the scene who was very keen on him. We pointed this out to him and he replied "The trouble with XXXX is that she is in my league. Why would I want to go out with someone in my league?".

10 years on and she is blissfully married with 2 lovely kids (and another on the way).

He, meanwhile, is exactly where he was back then, dreaming of something that is never going to happen and, let's face it, at least 2 leagues below where he was at that time.

Contrast this with my own experience. I met my wife through a bit of mischievous matchmaking by her friend (my friend's sister). Whilst I was out of the room, so I'm told, she turned to her friend and said "He'll do".

I'm still "doing", more than 30 years later.

Good job she wasn't wearing her rose tinted specs that day.