Always just friends

londonsurrey

Lol. It took me a while to work out that Rat Man is an exterminator, rather than it being a name based on his physical characteristics!

Well done on taking the plunge and going through with it.

As for clever remarks, don't worry about that. Settle for relaxed socially acceptable banal rather than impressing - you're going for "Hey, I'm a normal human being capable of normal chit chat AND WANT TO TALK TO YOU, not mute/standoffish/bored/boring".

Paradoxically, once you are relaxed, you will be more able to conduct a normal conversation, and the right people will appreciate your conversation and wittisms as they appear naturally.

londonsurrey

Saturnalia wrote: »

I'm feeling quite enthusiastic about breaking out of my narrow little comfort zone - well, more like expanding the comfort zone really!

Attagirl. Even your tone has changed.
See, you're OWNING the zone now, rather than treating it as foreign territory that you have no right to be in.

byjimini

Heh, the original post rings so true for me. I've been single for 8 years now, not good when you're in your mid-twenties!

All the dates I've been on have ended up as friends, nothing more or less, which is great in a way but heartbreaking in another.

I just keep working and plodding on through life. Gets ya' down sometimes, but hey, gotta keep going I s'pose...

Saturnalia

I was out yesterday leafleting for the campaign I'm in and was wearing black skinny jeans & a black top with a scarf at the neck (I'd worn it to work earlier & it was good for another day before washing it). We met in the pub afterwards and one of the men said I was always the best dressed in the group and I'd got it going on, and I looked round at the rest looking like stereotypical lefties and I thought that I looked like an outsider. Like I didn't want to belong.

I think I'm getting it now. I was thinking the last couple of days that maybe I've been raised on too much Disney, but what happened to having someone love you just as you are? But now I'm not showing people who I really am. Yes they'll find that out soon enough, but not if they're too scared or nervous to speak to me!

I'm having a long-overdue clean-up of my room today and am putting some of my more punky/teenage/Bet Lynch clobber in the cases under the bed. I'm not going to throw anything away or buy new in haste, just experiment with some of the less out-there stuff I already own.

I didn't realise though how hard it would be emotionally, I've had a couple of sniffles today. :-(

Saturnalia

Well, the clean-up is done. I now have a super-organised wardrobe and have found lots of nice clothes (non-scary ones!) that I'd forgotten I had. My wardrobe looks quite pared-back now, which is quite nice. I found it quite tough but therapeutic in a way, I didn't know it would affect me like that.

My next idea is to go through my make-up and start with the more muted shades. I've been told my black eyeliner & heavy blusher looks "a bit nasty" as I have quite an angular face to begin with. So again a little experimentation will do, I've had a couple of good-paying weeks of work so can afford a few nice new products.

The nails are still long, black & silver and pointed, I've had them a couple of years so they feel like part of me, but I will be reducing the length and sharpness a little at a time!

My hair is a couple of inches long on top so I've fluffed it up a bit and pulled some of it onto my forehead, again a bit less severe looking.

Probably most importantly of all, I've been trying to smile while doing other things, hoping to make it a habit.

Saturnalia

Do you ever reach a point though where the loneliness doesn't hurt every day? I can go out, feel happy, and then I have to go to sleep on my own, and wake up on my own, and it just never ends. Or I'll go somewhere by myself and see all the happy couples and be reminded again.

They say you don't miss what you never had, what a load of rubbish. I miss the partnership I never had more with every passing year. And I miss the children I never got the chance to decide whether or not to have. (I have a medical condition which means I only have a couple of years left where I can have a baby safely, if it hasn't made me infertile already that is.)

If only I could know this would definitely end at some point. I wouldn't care how long it took. Just to know that one day it would happen would be enough.

Nickg370

You sound like a nice girl! Good luck! From what I've read, I think toning it down a bit will probably give you a much wider choice of chaps to pick from! Be confident in yourself, though, but not unapproachable. Decent guys like that!

Saturnalia

See that's it, everyone thinks I'm nice, no-one thinks I'm worth loving and keeping around! Or even worth the few hours for a date! Until RatMan just last week that is.

But I'm hoping that a make-under that lets my softer & geekier side show through, adapting myself more to different situations, working on my body language and stopping smoking will change that.

Nothing worth having ever came easily, did it? I've never agreed with game playing before, but by this stage I'll try anything within reason and if it gets me where I want to be, ends justify means!

I know from experience the pain of loneliness never leaves entirely, but it can lessen to a point where it's a couple of small jags a day rather than a constant agony, and time and other projects brings that about.

tesuhoha

I certainly don't think you should put on flirtatious behaviour if it doesn't come naturally to you or you may end up looking foolish. Certainly, smiling more is a good idea but only if you feel like smiling. There's a book called The Rules which you may find useful (available on Amazon). Its probably not good to take it as gospel but it has a good set of basic principles to stick to when meeting men. Rat man was interested in you basically because of your lack of interest in him. I think the man you liked probably knew it and you were no challenge to him or no mystery. Or to quote the title of that other book, he's just not that into you. (Actually that's another really good book to read).

Some people say The Rules is game playing but I would rather think of it as being true to yourself and keeping your dignity intact. You only need to play the game with those who are into you. (and there will be some).

Saturnalia

Ooh no, I hated The Rules! Funnily enough a bunch of us a few months ago at the charity shop I work in had a donated copy we were flicking through & we unanimously agreed, male and female, that if anyone treated us like we weren't interested, we'd assume they weren't and leave them alone.