"He is dying..."

GobbledyGook

mountainofdebt - I've checked into the NOK business. I have all the papers for the grave that my mother and brother are in. To get him buried in it they would have to come through me (I have spoken to the council and had a note put on the lair deeds that they are not to be transferred to anyone else). I'm not in the slightest bit interested in where they do bury him, there's just no way he's going in with them.


His family don't want me to organise his funeral - they just seem to think that I should pay for it. They know the kind of funeral they want and everything.

nixe - my parents were as bad as each other in many ways. My mother got clean from drugs for a time shortly before she died and she was a minor part of my life for that time. I was young and my grandparents who cared for my brother and I reconciled with her. I haven't forgiven her in any way, but I realise how much of a hold he had over her. She was weak and spineless and pathetic and an appalling mother. She had a temper and would lash out at us and that's not forgiveable, but it wasn't calculating. He was just evil for evils sake.

sassyblue

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I will be changing my number after he dies. I would rather they had an outlet for bothering me now than being tempted to try and find my door to bother me. I also want to make sure there is no attempts from them to get him buried with my mother and brother.

GG sorry to hear wha you're going through, well done for sticking to your guns so far.

Can l ask who owns your mums and brothers grave?

nixe

i see its the way with men like them, for a long time i thought my mum was not bovvered but she was just trying to survive she was 16 when she had me and when ever she tied to leave it was stopped by him as she was in fear of her life. they think kids dont remember but we do.
you have tuned your life around and sound like a great parent, not exposing your kids to him is the best thing you could do. he earned no right to be called a dad or granddad.
when you very first heard did you feel anything? i have known for 3 weeks he is dying and i felt 5% sad, not for him but for a dad i wanted and deserved as a child.

GobbledyGook

sassyblue wrote: »

GG sorry to hear wha you're going through, well done for sticking to your guns so far.

Can l ask who owns your mums and brothers grave?

I do.

nixe wrote: »

i see its the way with men like them, for a long time i thought my mum was not bovvered but she was just trying to survive she was 16 when she had me and when ever she tied to leave it was stopped by him as she was in fear of her life. they think kids dont remember but we do.
you have tuned your life around and sound like a great parent, not exposing your kids to him is the best thing you could do. he earned no right to be called a dad or granddad.
when you very first heard did you feel anything? i have known for 3 weeks he is dying and i felt 5% sad, not for him but for a dad i wanted and deserved as a child.

I didn't feel anything tbh. The first thing in years and years I heard about him was last year when his mother died. I was shocked when I heard he was still alive. I just assumed he'd died years ago (he was a drug addict and an alcoholic) so I was surprised he was still going.
I feel that my 'Dad' died when I was 6. There's one incident that marked my relationship with him and I'll never forget it. I had counselling as a young teen and then again when I was 19 after my brother died. I dealt with everything then and I don't feel sad or angry or anything.

Bizarrely the whole saga has made me re-evaluate my mother more than him. She was 16 when she was hooked onto drugs and into his world. I can now see why my stance of "she should have just walked away" was perhaps (though only perhaps) somewhat harsh. She made her choices definately, but I think it's given me some more to think about in regards to her.

mrcow

It's really sad too that your aunts have had to bring money into it.

To imply that you'd be interested in what money (if any!) he'd leave after having gone to a solicitor to tell them to leave you alone is bordering on the unhinged! Do they seriously think you'd care?! The trouble is that it's then souring any relationship you ever had with them too. It's his toxicity spreading wherever he goes.

nixe

it was because of mum is why i went to see him. he is a alcholic as well
she got away from him when i was 22 and she became a mum.
now the hate i have for him has never been dealt with so last sunday
i surpose it could be counted as councilling { glad yours helped }
i came away feeling lighter, i certainly have a long way to go but its a start. hopefully one day i will get to where you are now, in that not allowing the past [ him ] to interfer in any part of my life.
he is going to be leaving me money i will take half as thats my mums part of the house i am in two minds weather to take his share.
before last sunday then no he could stick it but now i dont know weather to take it and give it my kids? xx

GobbledyGook

It's funny seeing them called "your Aunts". To me they are just his sisters, his family.

mrcow - there's no relationship to sour. I haven't seen any of them since my brother's funeral when I was 17. My brother and I were deemed to have made "our choice" when we said we preferred living with our grandparents to being sent back to our parents. I was 7. His family had nothing to do with us other than occasionally giving my grandparents bother.

They are no great loss to my life. I would much prefer it if they'd all disappear again for more years.

GobbledyGook

nixe wrote: »

it was because of mum is why i went to see him. he is a alcholic as well
she got away from him when i was 22 and she became a mum.
now the hate i have for him has never been dealt with so last sunday
i surpose it could be counted as councilling { glad yours helped }
i came away feeling lighter, i certainly have a long way to go but its a start. hopefully one day i will get to where you are now, in that not allowing the past [ him ] to interfer in any part of my life.
he is going to be leaving me money i will take half as thats my mums part of the house i am in two minds weather to take his share.
before last sunday then no he could stick it but now i dont know weather to take it and give it my kids? xx

I think if you could make your life and your children's lives better then why not take it. It will never make up for the past, but if it makes the future better then at least some small good thing has come from it. Especially if your mother had a hand in the house.

I have been amazingly lucky because my ex-husband has a good job. We worked hard on our house and bought and sold at the right times. I'm 30, I have no mortgage (and could downsize house if need be) and I have a well off ex who provides more for his children than I could ever have imagined possible when I was a child. I don't need his money and it sitting in the bank wouldn't make a difference to my children's future. If it would then I would think more about it.

sassyblue

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I do.

Good news, so they can't bury him there. Just watch they Don't have him cremated and scatter him there.

You know if you do come into any money you should take it and make sure your kids have a good head start in life, like help towards a house deposit? UNI fees? Channel that into something positive xx

nixe

you know with you saying this i will take the money as you know whats it was like, if either my hubby or kids said it, then it would have had no impact as they have no idea what it was like, so thank you
your a few years older than my eldest she could put a deposit down and my son is at uni so the money will help as sassy blue says.
you have certainly done well you changed a horrid start in life into a success not just the money side of it but all of it. please keep us updated on how you get on, xxnixe