I'm at the end of my tether!!

Dumyat

CCstar, sorry people doubted you here. If I had been around yesterday I could have confirmed that.

I have a daughter who could go to uni at 16 too (we live in scotland) I have told her she must do a sixth year. I dont think she is going to be mature enough to deal with university.Even when she goes she will only be 17. was just wondering if that was part of the problem with your son. I am wondering now if when she started school we should have held her back. We are having problems with her at the moment because her friends although in her year are almost a year older than her...and its leading to difficulties.

isnt being a parent hard....you never know what to do for the best and you are always wondering what if...?

Horasio

He was happy to leave school then.

He would have been rebellious at school I reckon, instead. I think had he done another year, it wouldn't have made much difference.

He did well at uni in the first year and yes he became more I'm not caring about people, I think he would have done it at school or at uni.

I hope that makes sense as I was woken by birds in the eaves since 6am and didn't sleep till 3am.

Timmne

TBH I wouldn't worry about his overdraft - he's a student! After 3 years of uni my girlfriend would have killed to have an overdraft of £280! This is not to say she squandered money but had to use it to live on - she worked hard and played hard, and had the overdraft paid off within months of leaving uni.

It sounds like your son is used to being spoilt - please don't think I mean that in a harsh way but he has had an allowance, a car (with all the trimmings paid also), petrol money, a roof over his head with food & drink paid for too. He's used to it so in his mind, why should he have to give it up/be thankful for it?!

My MIL treats my BIL just the same - she gives him the earth then complains when he takes it for granted!

Don't want to sound like a know-it-all as I'm certainly not, but I was given my trust fund (£1k) when I turned 18 and was told to get a car with it, which I did and had to get a job to pay for everything else I wanted to spend money on! I'm sure if I remember rightly my allowance stopped at about 14/15, when I got my first part time job as a potwash at the local pub!

Just cut him off financially - tell the lazy bu99er to get a job and live his own life - and you want £50/wk for board (less than most students pay in halls might I add).

taplady

elona wrote: »

MATH

I just noticed this and wanted to send CCstar a hug - then noticed your post.

Am I the only one who will be wracking her poor little brain to work out who the self obsessed drama queen was?

It's not me is it?????:eek:

yes do tell MATH!;)

CCstar - ((((hugs)))) all of us from the OS board know you are a genuine person and support you, shame there always has to be some nasty people about:mad: Hope things soon improve for you with your son. xxx

Horasio

He is living in a place just now. He won't get help from us paying for it. He chose to leave and was never thrown out. Teenagers/students have a different lifestyle to working adults and it doesn't mix.

We haven't spoilt him, he knew it was financially good for him to stay at home and not get into debt.

It is his financial trend that worries me - going from £50 to £280 in a month plus spending £3K of his money that was only meant for house deposit on frivolities.

It is not like he needed the money and it was agreed he got the allowance to attend uni, covering costs like petrol and eating at uni which is much cheaper than we can provide. He was meant to find PT work for any fun money but instead used his house savings and running up an overdraft for it. He has had a car for nearly two years and would not have had a problem with getting to workplaces and at 18, there is far more choice.

He used to be sensible about money, mature and very helpful around the house and we trusted him. He betrayed us, went immature and lazy.

We will salvage what savings he has left and he may (most likely) get them back plus the interest accrued, less what he borrowed to set up a business, when he buys his own place and shows the maturity he used to have.

The fact he has decided to move out is going to force him to work PT to pay his way at the house and pay for his car. Any overdraft at the bank will be his problem. He says he wants to complete his uni, there is one more year to go.

It is sad but they grow up. I knew one day he would leave home one way or another, so was prepared for it. It would have been better if it had been done in a more mature way on his part but from what I hear about teenagers, they all go thro a willful phase.

He is free to go but not use his life savings, and get a taste of working life and having to survive like the rest of us.

It has certainly exposed holes in our marriage. My OH has never really supported me whenever anyone has behaved badly towards us and spoiled countless happy occasions and been nasty to me when I needed him to be caring - but that is another issue.

The house is on the market and when it is sold, action in that department can be taken.

ms_london

Where have these "savings" you keep referring to come from? Their either his to spend how he likes, or you have the money back and give it back to him when he is a bit more sensible about things. You cant have it both ways I'm afraid.... Unfortunately you cant control how he wants to run his life. If you feel that by supporting him financially you SHOULD have control over his life, then I'm afraid it doesnt really work like that.

I imagine it must be strange for parents when their kids move out, but take the time to repair your marriage and think about yourself and getting your life back on track!!

Horasio

ms_london wrote: »

Where have these "savings" you keep referring to come from? Their either his to spend how he likes, or you have the money back and give it back to him when he is a bit more sensible about things. You cant have it both ways I'm afraid.... Unfortunately you cant control how he wants to run his life. If you feel that by supporting him financially you SHOULD have control over his life, then I'm afraid it doesnt really work like that.

I imagine it must be strange for parents when their kids move out, but take the time to repair your marriage and think about yourself and getting your life back on track!!

They are the child savings you start at birth and add to until it is needed.

It was always meant to be left to use as a deposit for a house. He knew this since day one and gave us his word he was sensible enough to leave it alone and we trusted him. We were pretty realistic with his allowance.

Whether it is his money or not, he knew why it wasn't to be touched - he deceived us, as he lied about it - he said he wasn't dipping in, but had been for some time. We have found him out in other lies too, so when people keep lying, the trust breaks down.

He is handing it back to prevent further temptation as he has left home and will find it hard. It will not be touched until he needs it for a deposit for his home as originally intended.

So what hurts us is the lying and the fact he is being stupid with his money (our money). If he had earned it, it would be his issue, but we saved that for 19 years.

Also, the waste, we had to use savings in 2002 to live on when my OH wasn't working, then 3 years later our son squanders his on crap. It sickens me when you are trying to do your best for your child, they throw it in your face and people flame you for it.

But I guess trying to save himself from himself is wrong:rolleyes:

Savvy_Sue

CCStar wrote: »

But I guess trying to save himself from himself is wrong:rolleyes:

Not wrong, just pointless ... We can't, however hard we try, MAKE our children turn out exactly as we would like. Sometimes we're horrified by their 'mistakes', their deceitfulness, their obstinacy. But we have to let them live with THEIR choices. Don't we?

susy_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Not wrong, just pointless ... We can't, however hard we try, MAKE our children turn out exactly as we would like. Sometimes we're horrified by their 'mistakes', their deceitfulness, their obstinacy. But we have to let them live with THEIR choices. Don't we?

Yes we do. But as parents, we seem to spend our lives trying to save them from themselves. At some point we have to learn to let go, even though it grieves us.

currantbun

"he is being stupid with his money (our money). If he had earned it, it would be his issue, but we saved that for 19 years."

If you have given it to him, it is his.
I know it's hard to see him fritter it away, but he will soon learn that he can only spend it once.
My parents had a savings account for me, meant as a deposit for a house. When I quialified and moved out of student acomodation, I needed a car to get to work. (I am a nurse and public transport does not cater for shifts). My dad agreed I could use some of the money in my savings to pay for a car. Only when the deal was done and I came to actually get the cash did he say he wanted it paid back. I was furious, as far as I was concerned, it was my money. To cut a long and rambling story short, I began paying it back but was having to work extra shifts to afford to do so, and eventually my sister told dad about this and he agreed to give back what I had paid and stop insisting on me repaying the money.
The point I am trying (and I think failing!) to make is that you have to let your son make his own decisions in life and if he gets it wrong, he must deal with the consequences.