Overwhelmed week from hell please read

gingin_2

I admire you for posting honestly. Quite often you get the feeling you are only getting a half story here and at least you were honest enough to be open about something that you knew you were inevitably going to get negative opinions on.

Have you been to your GP to discuss how you feel? It might be that anti-depressants might help lift things for you and help you cope better if you really are at the end of your tether. You sound like you are being pulled from every angle and if it were me I would be frazzled out.

My only question is did someone suggest the reward time with you for good behaviour at school, or did you decide it? I would have thought that positive time with his parents at the end of the day should happen regardless. I agree with rewarding good behaviour but not that parental attention should be the reward ( and thats not a dig at you, just wondering if it was suggested to you).

Wishing you a better week

HeatherintheHills

What an awful week! (((Hugs)))

Re your Husband, it may simply have been an unthinking moment. He cared for that woman BEFORE he met you. He has quite possibly simply seen a photo he thought he recognised and sent off a message asking "Is that you?" He may have done the same thing if it was someone he thought he recognised from school or something. Don't build it into something it may not be just yet. But if he appears to be seeking out the woman, let rip in any way you feel is appropriate.

I'm sorry to hear about your younger son. As others have said, it is early days and time is very much on his side, as is an early diagnosis. I hope that once the shock has worn off and you have more information about it, you may feel a little less overwhelmed by it. Your shock is totally understandable.

About the pet. My initial reaction was one of shock and horror that 2 children could do such a thing to a living animal, but then I thought back to my own childhood and how I learnt to care about animals.

I was the eldest. We were given a rabbit and told explicitly that we were to care for it, not play with it. I squeezed it too hard one day and was caught in the act. My arm was squeezed with a similar level of intensity. It hurt and I learned that lesson quickly.

Looking back I can remember a number of instances of other children I knew getting into similar trouble. Children just don't know that an animal feels pain until they are taught it. Fortunately the consequences are rarely as severe as they were in this instance.

Your son has shown remorse. Your brother has been given a replacement G/P and it appears that your son is the only one to have been properly punished. That is unfair, and unless you can sever the relationship between your son and your brother then something needs to be done to redress the balance or you risk your son learning a negative lesson from this.

I'll be shot down for this, but might this be the ideal opportunity to give your son a pet he is taught to be properly responsible for? Perhaps make him earn a pet by being good and finding ways to show he has learnt respect for animals? Someone earlier suggested feeding wild birds, that is a great idea. Make it his job to keep a bird feeder clean and stocked. Let him see that if he doesn't keep the feeder stocked the birds have to go away hungry. Explain that when he has responsibility living things, their needs come before his own. For instance, no food for him until the animals have been fed. No clean, comfortable bed unless the animals have one too.

If you do get him a pet, then I'd suggest getting something that is capable of showing extreme annoyance by giving a little nip or scratch. A rabbit could be ideal. Once my rabbit was known to be friendly and placid, if it ever bit me, I was the one who got into trouble. And rightly so.

duchy

What a week !

I think you handled the GP incident really well. You can't control what any other child's parent does in the aftermath -regardless of if they are family or not -you can only deal with your child and I think you found a good balance. (Personally I'd limit contact with the other child after an incident like this but as its family I guess all you can do is supervise them closely when together) I like the idea of teaching him more about animal care and protection to underline the lesson about treating animals well-Perhaps a visit to an animal rescue centre if any locally have an open day coming up? If you feel like it -maybe take your brother too to learn some lessons.

As for your younger son's diagnosis -Frankly it's far too early to know either way -and maybe you didn't interpret everything the consultant said as it was meant -when we get news sometimes we tend to tag onto specific phrases and don't hear the rest. I think a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss things is an excellent plan -will give you time to read a bit more about your son's condition and formulate what questions you need answering. Small steps -and take one day at a time. No-one knows what the future brings at such a young age and there is loads of intervention and support available. A firm diagnosis often gives you access to more intervention and support too.

As for your husband -Probably one of those daft things people do when under stress (and I'm sure he was stressed by this week's events too) and it probably WAS the same girl.......and she said it wasn't her to get rid of him-If he's open about you seeing his FB I honestly wouldn't worry about it and just put it down to male daftness.

Have a hug and tell your daft husband he's in charge for a bit as you're taking some "me time" to destress -and spend a few hours doing something purely for YOU !

FatVonD

OP, I think you dealt with the guinea pic situation in the right way, I don't think you should have suggested the GP had a happy ending in any way (ie going to heaven) to your son but hopefully your horror will be imprinted on him for the rest of his life and you have nipped it in the bud. The same can't be said for your brother and yes, I'd report your dad to the RSPCA.

mummyofboys

meritaten wrote: »

first of all - your youngest child is two and a half - for a consultant to state that he may never catch up on developmental delays is giving you the worst case scenario - how do they know? my SIL was told her autistic son would never speak or become toilet trained and due to excelent school is quite articulate, toilet trained and is far better able to cope socially than she ever hoped for. so dont give up on him hun!
your older son has learned a painful lesson! like many children he didnt realise that animals feel pain and can die (not many five year olds would know it hun, not unless they had pets and seen what illness/old age can do and experienced a death of a pet). You say he expressed horror and remorse - NOT the mark of a budding psychopath! just the unthinking cruelty of children.
Yes, your week has been horrendous - but, take the experiences as lessons learned - so the consultant isnt positive about youngest son - Prove her/him wrong!
your older son has learned a lesson hopefully - time to teach him how to care for defenseless creatures? see if you can get him interested in caring at one remove.............as in providing food for birds or nest boxes or hedgehog boxes? see if his friends with pets will show him how they care for those pets? This is a great idea thankyou, I am defo going to do this. Today I took him to pets at home and asked somebody to talk to him about hamsters/gerbils and how important it is too be very careful. He was attentive and stroked them whilst they were in the mans hands. I think I am going to have to expose him to small animals in a safe way like this.
above all - dont despair! there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you have to move them towards it - but that is what every parent should be doing isnt it?

Thank you, I hope I am doing everything. I feel really down at the minute, it isn't depression and I don't need medication I think Its just all been very overwhelming and I keep thinking back and have this horrendous stomach turning feeling.

mummyofboys

adelight wrote: »

OP I think you dealt with your son wonderfully but it is a shame your Dad won't punish your brother and bought him another guinea pig. I really doubt it's a sign of your son growing up to be a murderer, you can tell kids not to do something 100 times but they can still get curious and do stupid things. I also seriously doubt they were trying to be cruel and were just heavy handed (personally i imagine they were holding it up in the air and something went wrong- I am NOT defending it or saying it's okay, just saying it probably wasn't intentional), but your son now knows why he absolutely must be gentle with animals.
Some people seem to be laying into you for the hell of it, totally unnecessary and very nasty. You are not being a bad mother, you are being a very good one and should be proud of yourself. Why try to make someone feel worse for something they already feel awful about?

I don't blame people, it is shocking I feel ashamed thinking he could do this. All I feel I can do now is try my best to help him to learn form the situation.

mummyofboys

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

What an awful week! (((Hugs)))

Re your Husband, it may simply have been an unthinking moment. He cared for that woman BEFORE he met you. He has quite possibly simply seen a photo he thought he recognised and sent off a message asking "Is that you?" He may have done the same thing if it was someone he thought he recognised from school or something. Don't build it into something it may not be just yet. But if he appears to be seeking out the woman, let rip in any way you feel is appropriate.

I'm sorry to hear about your younger son. As others have said, it is early days and time is very much on his side, as is an early diagnosis. I hope that once the shock has worn off and you have more information about it, you may feel a little less overwhelmed by it. Your shock is totally understandable.

About the pet. My initial reaction was one of shock and horror that 2 children could do such a thing to a living animal, but then I thought back to my own childhood and how I learnt to care about animals.

I was the eldest. We were given a rabbit and told explicitly that we were to care for it, not play with it. I squeezed it too hard one day and was caught in the act. My arm was squeezed with a similar level of intensity. It hurt and I learned that lesson quickly.

Looking back I can remember a number of instances of other children I knew getting into similar trouble. Children just don't know that an animal feels pain until they are taught it. Fortunately the consequences are rarely as severe as they were in this instance.

Your son has shown remorse. Your brother has been given a replacement G/P and it appears that your son is the only one to have been properly punished. That is unfair, and unless you can sever the relationship between your son and your brother then something needs to be done to redress the balance or you risk your son learning a negative lesson from this.

I'll be shot down for this, but might this be the ideal opportunity to give your son a pet he is taught to be properly responsible for? Perhaps make him earn a pet by being good and finding ways to show he has learnt respect for animals? Someone earlier suggested feeding wild birds, that is a great idea. Make it his job to keep a bird feeder clean and stocked. Let him see that if he doesn't keep the feeder stocked the birds have to go away hungry. Explain that when he has responsibility living things, their needs come before his own. For instance, no food for him until the animals have been fed. No clean, comfortable bed unless the animals have one too.

If you do get him a pet, then I'd suggest getting something that is capable of showing extreme annoyance by giving a little nip or scratch. A rabbit could be ideal. Once my rabbit was known to be friendly and placid, if it ever bit me, I was the one who got into trouble. And rightly so.

We already have a cat, he loves her and feeds her. If he did ever try and hurt her she would scratch him btu so far he has never tried to do anything to her. I don't want to introduce any more pets to the house at the minute, I am going to do the bird feeder ideas and in a few weeks I am going to take him to the zoo and talk as we go around about how important it is. I don't want this to happen any time soon as I don't want to reward him right now

mummyofboys

gingin wrote: »

I admire you for posting honestly. Quite often you get the feeling you are only getting a half story here and at least you were honest enough to be open about something that you knew you were inevitably going to get negative opinions on.

Yes I wanted to post honestly as I wanted some advice and you can only give that if you all know the whole story, I expected alot more negative comments to be honest.

Have you been to your GP to discuss how you feel? It might be that anti-depressants might help lift things for you and help you cope better if you really are at the end of your tether. You sound like you are being pulled from every angle and if it were me I would be frazzled out. I don't feel the G.p is required I think I feel how most people would feel after the week I have had but if it continues I will, thank you

My only question is did someone suggest the reward time with you for good behaviour at school, or did you decide it? I would have thought that positive time with his parents at the end of the day should happen regardless. I agree with rewarding good behaviour but not that parental attention should be the reward ( and thats not a dig at you, just wondering if it was suggested to you).

We were originally doing a reward diary and the reward was things like a book, or extra story time, occassionally sweets. However he was thriving off the negative attention. The school has suggested this time every day ( he gets this anyway ) but usually it is with his brother combined. This time is now just for him with either me or my husband and the other parent does the same with my other son. Rewarding him with attention for being good and when he doesn;t behave he goes to bed and does not get that one on one time.

It has worked up to now but it is very very early days.

Wishing you a better week

Thankyou for all your comments

themull1

So, can you just explain how your son was punished for having to get a guinea pig put down by breaking its legs? stars on a chart? my god, i feel sick at the thought of it. And yes i have kids who wouldnt dream of treating an animal roughly, i wouldnt have even admitted that my child had done that on a forum....and five isnt a toddler, he knew what he was doing. I can't believe his punishment was so lax.

LunaLady

themull1 wrote: »

So, can you just explain how your son was punished for having to get a guinea pig put down by breaking its legs? stars on a chart? my god, i feel sick at the thought of it. And yes i have kids who wouldnt dream of treating an animal roughly, i wouldnt have even admitted that my child had done that on a forum....and five isnt a toddler, he knew what he was doing. I can't believe his punishment was so lax.

What punishment would you have dished out then?