Partner doesn't give me what i need, do i stay?

LucyLocket

To me, once the decision to have a child has been taken, the relationship is as much about providing security to the child as it is about adult fulfilment. I suspect that unless we were being ill treated there is very little that could make me dismantle my child's home, certainly not a vague sense of disatisfaction. I take the viewpoint that if the child is 9, there are 9 years remaining to seek an improvement to the partnership and if it doesn't work the relationship can be ended once the child reaches adulthood.

aliasojo

LucyLocket wrote: »

To me, once the decision to have a child has been taken, the relationship is as much about providing security to the child as it is about adult fulfilment. I suspect that unless we were being ill treated there is very little that could make me dismantle my child's home, certainly not a vague sense of disatisfaction. I take the viewpoint that if the child is 9, there are 9 years remaining to seek an improvement to the partnership and if it doesn't work the relationship can be ended once the child reaches adulthood.

That's very much my view also.

ALIBOBSY

Given that there is s child involved and the OPm suggests there is still love an affection there could I throw something like relate into the mix?

We don't go in for councilling etc in this country much lol. But sometimes a third party can cut through the blame and he said she said stuff and help you to see how you BOTH can change things for the better.

Other option is a compromise could you make one night a week "date" night. One week you pick what happens, one week him. At 9 for your child it shouldn't be difficult to get a babysitter/arrange sleepover at grannies or something. Or if you are having an evening in tuck her up in her room with a few DVD's and snacks and spend time together. Sounds like you both just need to work on the relatikonship and rediscover what you once had.

Ali x

FBaby

The issue it would seem is how much OP OH is prepared to go to change. She said he didn't think he could/would, so is unlikely to want to go to counselling I would think.

Just one question OP? Have you actually told your OH in black and white what would make you happy? I'm not talking about being more spontaneous, but actually telling him that you would like one week-end when he arranges for a baby sitter and takes you out for the evening within the next 6 weeks. Surely if he is not even able to arrange such a thing when you've told him it would make you happy and giving him the direction he really isn't try hard.

C_Mababejive

Do what other women do. Throw him out,let him find a bedsit somewhere,fleece him for maintenance and find someone else...

Mojisola

LucyLocket wrote: »

To me, once the decision to have a child has been taken, the relationship is as much about providing security to the child as it is about adult fulfilment.

I suspect that unless we were being ill treated there is very little that could make me dismantle my child's home, certainly not a vague sense of disatisfaction. I take the viewpoint that if the child is 9, there are 9 years remaining to seek an improvement to the partnership and if it doesn't work the relationship can be ended once the child reaches adulthood.

It depends on how much the unhappy relationship is affecting the child. It's not only abuse that can scar a child.

puppypants

Does he actually know what your "needs" are, or are you expecting him to guess?

HeatherintheHills

LucyLocket wrote: »

To me, once the decision to have a child has been taken, the relationship is as much about providing security to the child as it is about adult fulfilment. I suspect that unless we were being ill treated there is very little that could make me dismantle my child's home, certainly not a vague sense of disatisfaction. I take the viewpoint that if the child is 9, there are 9 years remaining to seek an improvement to the partnership and if it doesn't work the relationship can be ended once the child reaches adulthood.

This is kind of hard to explain, but it isn't a vague sense of dissatisfaction, it is more like being deprived of oxygen to be honest. I don't know why but it is easier to accept living alone than to continue to live with someone who makes you feel as if you have no value to them. You begin to feel worthless, self esteem becomes non-existent and then the mental and physical health problems can start.

It isn't really about the things that the OP has listed, although they are often the symptoms. It is the feeling that something vital to your welfare is missing. It really is like being constantly thirsty and seeing water right in front of you, but not being allowed to drink.

Of course compromise can fix it, but it needs both people to be prepared to put in the effort needed. One person alone cannot do it. People who say "this is how I am and I'm not going to change" are very unlikely to be persuaded to go to couple therapy, they just don't see the need for it.

C_Mababejive

Men are simple creatures. Just Feed 'em and F*** 'em and they are generally happy. Women..? Well thats a whole different story...

DarlingBuds

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Why do most posters lean towards a 'leave him, he's obviously no good for you' kind of response when there is only one side of the story.

We're in the 21st century - are we really still expecting it to be all down to the men folk to keep the little ladies happy?

I don't want to leave him idiot, read it properly. i do everything for him and want something back, why should i be left out?