Partner doesn't give me what i need, do i stay?

JoW123

January20 wrote: »

But isn't it easier to accept than if you had somebody there who could fulfil those needs but chose not to?

It's like loneliness. I've been on my own for 12 years now. Mostly I love it, except on the odd occasion... but it's always easier than when I was married and felt lonely

In my circumstances it is definitely better than how I was living before, and I completely accept your point. I guess I was wondering whether the OP is hoping to meet someone else to meet her needs in which case I meant 'the grass isn't always greener' or even that easy to find!! If she is happy to accept being single as being better than living with someone who doesnt meet her needs then its still hard but less complicated!

HeatherintheHills

DarlingBuds wrote: »

has anyone been able to live this way and succeed and not be resentful?

Sadly, no. And I tried for very many years.

January20 wrote:

It's like loneliness. I've been on my own for 12 years now. Mostly I love it, except on the odd occasion... but it's always easier than when I was married and felt lonely.

That is exactly it. It is far lonelier in a relationship of the type you appear to have OP, than it is when you actually live alone. Resentment that builds up when the person you are supposed to be sharing your life with appears to have pushed you out of their life completely. But they are still in your home, in your bed and in the way of any decisions/plans you might want to make. It becomes unrelenting and the compromises you might find yourself making to be able to live like that become more and more extreme, so the resentment builds even more.

Sadly, if you stay and he refuses to compromise you are likely to suffer very badly emotionally. Think of the possible impact of that on your child.

FBaby

It is a very difficult situation to find yourself in when you still love your partner very deeply, so much that if you were to separate, you would miss them dearly, but at the same time having to constantly swallow your frustration because of not getting what you need. Added to that the feeling of guilt that you should maybe be grateful for what you've got, and yet the feelings are still there.

Of course, it all about communication, and I assume that's what you've tried all those years but somehow the communication has been poorly, or the end result has not materialised.

I am a bit there myself. What is hard is that I feel that as soon as my partner picks up that I am not fulfilled in the relationship, instead of trying to make it better, he withdraws into himself and it's as if he braces himself for the inevitable that I will end up leaving him. Ultimately, after an attempt at communicating - ie, read argument as we haven't mastered the art of communicating effectively!-, he promises things that I want to hear and things are a better for a while. The problem is that although I know he means what he says then, as soon as I seem happy again, things fall backwards, and the promises don't seem to materialise, hence the vicious cycle.

I suppose in these situations, either it does get better with time, or the relationship does become one of companionship rather than that of a couple, or after some time, the frustration become so that the love does really start to expire up to the point that the prospect of leaving is one of relief rather than dread.

Having fallen in the last category with my previous partner (but the love I might have had for him was never very strong to start with), I do know that the alternative of going along alone is not as the respite as we see it at the time. I was a single mum to two children, it was hard, and finding someone I wanted to share my life with became as likely as winning the lottery. I did meet my now partner after over 5 years being single and it was love at first sight. He is everything I want in so many ways that the prospect of finding one who will make my heart beat as fast as he does AND gives me what I want (ie. stop behaving as if our life together evolves around HIS needs only) is almost nil. If I were to go, I would accept that I would most likely remain single for the rest of my life (like many do). I don't want that, I like living as a couple very much despite being of a very independent nature, so I'm hanging on and hoping that our ups and downs are just the passionate aspect of our relationship...

HeatherintheHills

DarlingBuds wrote: »

has anyone been able to live this way and succeed and not be resentful?

Sadly, no. And I tried for very many years.

January20 wrote:

It's like loneliness. I've been on my own for 12 years now. Mostly I love it, except on the odd occasion... but it's always easier than when I was married and felt lonely.

That is exactly it. It is far lonelier in a relationship of the type you the appear to have OP, than it is when you actually live alone. Resentment builds up when the person you are supposed to be sharing your life with appears to have pushed you out of their life completely. But they are still in your home, in your bed and in the way of any decisions/plans you might want to make. It becomes unrelenting and the compromises you might find yourself making to be able to live like that become more and more extreme, so the resentment builds even more.

Sadly, if you stay and he refuses to compromise you are likely to suffer very badly emotionally. Think of the possible impact of that on your child.

FBaby

To pick up on the two previous posts, I would say that it is less lonely to be on your own when you've stopped loving your partner, when you still do though...I'm not so sure...

Tiddlywinks

Barneysmom wrote: »

You're talking about the stuff that goes on at the start of a relationship when you're all loved up and ignoring the fact that he's just a bloke.
..............................

If you want excitement you have to create it for the family.

He seems to be content with your life together, why aren't you?

I absolutely agree with this - you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Why do most posters lean towards a 'leave him, he's obviously no good for you' kind of response when there is only one side of the story.

We're in the 21st century - are we really still expecting it to be all down to the men folk to keep the little ladies happy?

mrsrwallace

All i can add to this is you say you love him and isn't that the basis for all good relationships? If the love is still very much there then I think all issues can be resolved through communication, marriage guidance or even by simple measures such as booking one night a month for "date nights" or making time for each other every day to talk and listen. Yes as time goes on the giddy days of courtship seem to be a distant memory and responsibilites take precedence over spontaneity but if both of you make the effort there will be things to look forward to. I don't know, get a babysitter for the evening, have a romantic dinner, set the mood! Do SOMETHING to reignite his fire and passion in the relationship and he might just start putting more effort in to meet your needs. No disrespect to men, they aren't the mindreaders we'd like them to be and so sometimes you have to say outright what you want from them so tell him straight and get the fun back.

HeatherintheHills

FBaby wrote: »

To pick up on the two previous posts, I would say that it is less lonely to be on your own when you've stopped loving your partner, when you still do though...I'm not so sure...

It depends how much damage has been done, I think survival instinct kicks in eventually. That doesn't mean love dies completely, it just becomes a less powerful influence and enables you to take a big step away from the destructive side of it.

aliasojo

I watched a film about a relationship gone bad once. I didn't realise it when I first started watching it, (otherwise I probably wouldn't have watched if I'm honest) but it was a Christian story of how a couple turned their relationship around after following a list of rules. The film was called 'Fireproof' in case anyone fancies watching it.

At the start it was all about how unhappy each party in the marriage was, the husband's behaviour was unreasonable and the wife wanted out. They only seemed to be able to see their own hurt and unhappiness. The husband didn't see an issue with his behaviour and thought his wife was unreasonable.

Anyway, the advice given was based not on blame or what was done to the person but what the person could do to turn things around.

Seems to me the Op might be in a similar situation (i.e. focused on the bad things and her unhappiness and wanting the other party to *just* change).

If you can forget the twee nature of the film and ignore the fact it's a Christian movie (unless that's your thing, it's not really mine tbh I'm more of murderous thriller kinda gal :D), then the basic message behind the movie is sound and worth taking on board. Imo. It's more about what you can do to improve the relationship rather than what you expect the other party to do.

That's assuming you want to save and improve rather than dump and run.

Mojisola

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

But they've been together for 12 years and the child is only 9 years old... so together a good while with things working well enough to have a baby - that was my point.

What has changed in him since those times? What has changed with the OP in those times that makes her less happy with him?

But she says he's been like this for 10 years.