Partner doesn't give me what i need, do i stay?

scooby088

Many people who are like this are reckless and lead to an whole different set of problems..being rubbish with money, in debt. Why should your OH change? If you have been together for 10 years and things he used to do he has changed but not into the person you want, It's called life, I no longer do what I did 10 years ago. Are you doing anything to keep your OH interested maybe he feels exactly the same as you do.

Do you give him what he needs in the relationship, why does all this fall onto your OH's shoulders? It's a partnership maybe if you did something rather than moan on a internet forum then maybe it might work out for you.

Tiddlywinks

DarlingBuds wrote: »

Being spontaneous, being excited when something great happens, going out together, making plans, sex, dealing with money, talking, going to different places, understanding.... he says 'it's not in him to be like this and he will never change'.

Has anything changed in your life that's made you take a step back and look again at your relationship?

You say you love him. You certainly LIKED him enough to decide to have a child with him.

Was he really THAT different back then? Or did you make more allowances in those days?

Don't know what you want from posters here... sympathy? Kick up the backside? Slap of reality?

It's your life - only you know the facts and how you feel - I really don't know how to answer because I don't know the question you need answering.

davenport151

Darling buds, is it possibly he is suffering with depression? I see echo's of my own relationship here (we have been married 17 years and have a 13 year old son). My husband was diagnosed four years ago. My OH does not like to plan for the future (though will plan a family holiday (took me ages to persuade on this one!). Is never spontanius and would rather be in his comfort zone that out. He says the same its how he is and will not change now.
How interested is he in your child/family life/the home? Is he interested in you and your life?
However some of these things can just be a case of set in his ways.

Mojisola

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You say you love him. You certainly LIKED him enough to decide to have a child with him.

Was he really THAT different back then? Or did you make more allowances in those days?

In the early years of a relationship, it's easy for one side to make an effort to do things that aren't really "him" and the other side to make allowances that he doesn't do everything she would want. As things settle down, he reverts to his normal self, she stops making allowances and what was keeping the relationship together isn't there any more.

Only you and your OH can work out if the relationship can be saved. Classic question - have you tried couple counselling?

JoW123

Let me put another angle on this...... if you were to split are you just wanting to be alone or hoping to meet another partner who would meet your needs??

Almost 3 years ago I split up from my partner. The relationship was irretrievable due to lies, gambling addiction etc etc. However, as a result I'm a single parent to two children with the ex only having them for a few hours on a Sunday when he's not working and about 6 overnight stays a year. The reality is I haven't had a relationship since or think it would be practical in the foreseeable future. By the time I've worked, run the children around to all their parties, cubs, activities etc etc I have very little time to offer anyone even if I were to meet someone. Very few of my needs get met because there is no-one to meet them.

I'm just trying to point out that life is tough on your own with a child because opportunites are limited. Now it may be the right thing for you to leave, and you may have a different experience but it's tough to see all my friends with someone there for them even though I know their relationships aren't perfect.

My ex has just moved his new partner in. I'm actually quite pleased because she seems nice and good with my children but its still odd having another woman entering their lives. How would you feel if you left and he met someone else while you were still alone?

Think things through very carefully and explore every opportunity with your partner before you decide to go.

January20

JoW123 wrote: »

Very few of my needs get met because there is no-one to meet them.

But isn't it easier to accept than if you had somebody there who could fulfil those needs but chose not to?

It's like loneliness. I've been on my own for 12 years now. Mostly I love it, except on the odd occasion... but it's always easier than when I was married and felt lonely.

JoW123 wrote: »

but its still odd having another woman entering their lives. How would you feel if you left and he met someone else while you were still alone?

You'll get used to it. It might take a while but you will.

Tiddlywinks

Mojisola wrote: »

In the early years of a relationship, it's easy for one side to make an effort to do things that aren't really "him" and the other side to make allowances that he doesn't do everything she would want. As things settle down, he reverts to his normal self, she stops making allowances and what was keeping the relationship together isn't there any more.

But they've been together for 12 years and the child is only 9 years old... so together a good while with things working well enough to have a baby - that was my point.

What has changed in him since those times? What has changed with the OP in those times that makes her less happy with him?

Alikay

Your DH may not be giving you what you "need" but you have a child together, and they need their dad. You say that you love him and there's no mention of any abuse or cheating within the relationship, so leaving because your marriage is lacking in several areas seems like "throwing the baby out with the bath water" to me.

Can you do something about the problems, even if it's just changing some expectations? Most enduring relationships have a few boxes which remain unticked either through one person's choice, or circumstances. I think you'll be creating a lot of unhappiness for some of the people closest to you, but not necessarily get those needs of yours met either.

Barneysmom

DarlingBuds wrote: »

Being spontaneous, being excited when something great happens, going out together, making plans, sex, dealing with money, talking, going to different places, understanding.... he says 'it's not in him to be like this and he will never change'.

No, don't leave him because you are bored.


You're talking about the stuff that goes on at the start of a relationship when you're all loved up and ignoring the fact that he's just a bloke.

Spontaneity is for teenagers and hobos, people with no responsibilities.

You can't just pack a bag a go off for the weekend and have parties any more so find something that'll be absorbing and take your mind off the fact that you're bored rigid and expecting him to come up with the answers.

If you want excitement you have to create it for the family.

He seems to be content with your life together, why aren't you?

McKneff

Just remember, we are only hearing one side of the story here.

OP, Have you thought that you might not be giving him what he needs. Or you giving him what he doesnt need, nagging at him etc.
There is always two sides to every story, try putting yourself in his position.

I just have this feeling that you 'need' too much and you both need to compromise.