Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

skipsmum

DUTR wrote: »

It doesn't matter what others think of him, the OP has some long hard thinking to do

Mmm, I was just wondering, as what they think of him will impact on how much support they will give if she leaves.

daska

I suggest you inform him by text that when he get's back he'll need to beg use of a spare bed from one of the mates he went on holiday with. Legally you can't bar him from the house that he owns but you can stop the house sale going through which will buy you some time to work out where you want to be.

SingleSue

Blimey, your opening post would have been the sort of thing I would have written just before me and now ex husband seperated.

I had always been a very confident, self assured person but over the years and after various bouts of PND and then a breakdown, my confidence and self esteem had been gradually eroded to the point where I felt like a piece of poo on someone's shoe.

My ex hubby also used to give me the "I will report you for being an unfit mother" if I ever mused about getting out. That stopped me for a while but thankfully, not for ever, especially when I realised that if I was such an unfit mother, then why the hell was he swanning off all the time and leaving me with the boys, or disappearing to the office under the guise of needing to work but instead, was enjoying the boys toys in the office TV room (he actually admitted this the night I challenged him about his affair).

I was, to all intents and purposes, a single parent. I did all the school runs, I did all the medical care (I too have children with disabilities), all the therapies, housework, meals and managed to work too. I was absolutely exhausted, something which contributed to my breakdown.

It hadn't always been like that though, when we first met and married and for the next 12 years (so about 15 years in total), he was the loveliest person you could have met, his joy when eldest was born was a joy to see. He would be up for the night feeds, would change nappies happily and would delight in sending me flowers and little treats...what changed? Well, I blame a change of medication plus a rather selfish upbringing but he changed almost overnight from a loving and wonderful partner to one who was so unbelievably selfish and cruel (and at times, quite violent).

I trusted him completely, I knew he was a flirt but then I was a flirt and we understood that we could flirt but go no further but in the end, the flirtation went a little further for him and he had an affair. He was quite aghast when I challenged him about it, he had only gone away the once for a weekend "with the lads" but I had actually worked it out before he had even gone! He thought he had been clever but had not counted in the fact that I am a people watcher who is quite intuitive to subtle changes in body language.

I did ask prior to him going away (this was on the day he left to go away) if anything was going on and even named the woman concerned but he said no.....but the look on his face and the body language said yes.

Anyway, it all blew up the day after he came home, I had gone to bed but couldn't sleep, he had come in late from his boys night out and gone straight on the laptop. So, I went downstairs to say hi and discovered him talking online to his 'friend' who was completely naked and er, demonstrating an act.

I could have forgiven his transgression, to be honest, it did not hurt so much but it was what he said that gave me the umph to call an end to it all, basically he called me a pooey mother, a pooey wife, crap in bed and that it was a shame I had a prescription waiting to be picked up and not already picked up for my anti depressants as I could have done the world a favour and killed myself that night (this to someone who was actually suicidal at the time!)

I'm not saying it is going to be easy but the best thing that happened to me and the boys was our splitting. Not only had he eroded my confidence but the children's too, within a fairly short space of time, eldest stopped having meltdowns where he harmed himself by throwing himself against walls and he became calmer, more settled. Youngest too, no more having his elaborate contraptions being thrown in the bin because hubby was 'bored' of seeing it and middle son became less violent mainly because there was no longer any violence in the home.

But he had one last sting in the tail for me, he arrived in a rage at a social services run centre where middle some was receiving some tuition and firstly threw middle son across the room by grabbing him around the neck and then pushed and shouted at me....this then gave me 12 months of hell from social services with monthly meetings, constant pressure etc despite him not being in the family home and in fact, not even in this part of the country! It only ended when, finally stronger mentally, I asked why the blooming hell were we still having these meetings bearing in mind the reason for them was the ex husband's violence at that particular session and he was hundreds of miles away and refusing to even visit or call his children.

Amazingly, that was the last meeting. We were discharged from their attentions with an offer made to me to run a parent group for other parents of autistic children as I was such a 'good' parent. I turned this down although in retrospect, I think I would have enjoyed passing on the tips I have learnt and helping other parents but at the time, I just wanted to get the hell out of there and to put my family back together.

I am a few years down the line now, my confidence is returning and I am mentally stronger although I doubt it will ever be back to what it was years ago but I think that is more to do with my breakdown than my experience with now ex husband. The boy's confidence and educational improvements however, have been nothing short of spectacular with eldest going from being a failing student destined for nothing more than a few low grade GCSEs to one who got 10 A-C GCSEs including English and Maths and who is currently doing A levels. Middle son is back in regular high school and is doing extremely well (he is one of their top students and is called a gentle giant) plus is very musically talented, something which I have encouraged and something which his father would never have tolerated (he wouldn't have been able to hear his TV programmes - he would shout at me for turning the page of a book quietly).

Yes, it is hard doing it on your own, there is never a break, there is not another person to cuddle upto in bed at night, no-one to give you an adult cuddle but when I think back to how it was.....it's worth it.

Wirralm8

Hi there. It is very rare that i reply to a thread but felt i had to for what its worth in this case.
From what you say your husband has absoloutely no respect for you whatsover. If he did he would consider the choices he makes and the impact they have on your and your children. No self respecting husband and father would so callously reject all your feelings out of hand and cruelly call you an unfit mother to boot !
Only you can make the decision about what you do but do you want to look back on your life in 10-20 years time and think is this it ?
Dont underestimate the effect his behaviour is having and will continue to have on your children.
If you do decide to leave the family home, as a single parent to children under 5 you will be entitled to child tax credit, housing benefit, council tax benefit and income support. That will be alongside any maintenance your husband will have to pay together with the child benefit you receive. Your local CAB office will be able to do a calculation for you. They should also be able to if you wish, give you access to a consultation with a solictor to see where you stand legally with the property and your rights etc. Dont forget that knowlege is power. If you have the knowledge, your husband does not have the power !
I hope you find the strength to realise that you are worth more than this and wish you luck in whatever you decide.

lilmisskitkat

It was during the meeting with the solicitor to sign the contracts that the solicitor asked why the house was in husband's name only and then agreed that it was for the best. We've been married for 3 years.

My parents are really disappointed in him, they've not really understood the full extent of things until now as i didn't like to admit to a lot of things. They are fully supportive in whatever i feel is best for me and the kids so i'm very lucky with them.

xx

raven83

He needs to "man up" and start acting like a real man instead of a immature "lad" having a mid life crises by starting to be there for his kids instead of squirreling YOUR money away on "lads" holidays and the like, what kind of selfish, uncaring man pi ss 'es on holiday days before moving and leaves his wife and HIS kids with not enough money to pay the bills etc and to do all the packing, i am honestly quite lost for words.

OP, I do feel for you but you really can't put up with this sort of behaviour, it isn't fair on you or the kiddies, you need to seriously sit down and have a long talk with him or you need to make changes, which i know can't be easy if you are worried he will try and say you are an unfit mother (which is nothing short of emotional blackmail) you have nothing to worry about him taking the kids away ( why would he want to have them all the time anyway when he is busy galavanting). He sounds like a big bully.

nic_santorini

Wow, I am flabbergasted. What a selfish man, it has all been said here, you know he is selfish and seem to want confirmation - I think you have it here on this thread from everyone. Family comes first, not holidays with the lads, if thats what he wanted then he should have stayed single. They cost a small fortune, with the holiday bet he sees no change out of £750 per holiday. How selfish is that when the children and you are deprived of a get away and to leave you with nothing when he went away - DURING a move into what he SEEMS to think will be HIS house - it is YOUR house too and even more so with 3 children to support.

There is NO WAY on this earth he should of gone away at this time and left you with all that, plus knowing you have your condition - my friend has this and it is so debilitating and he is not even calling you to ask how you are - its awful to say but I really don't think he gives a hoot.

It is easy to comment looking from the outside but seriously he does not deserve any Father of the year awards on Sunday. Maybe a card with the new rules of house in!

I wish you well in whatever decision you make and hope moneysaving expert has given you that Lightbulb Moment to realize that not all men are that self centred and selfish.

marmitepotato

Lilmisskitkat, I wish you all the luck and love in the world, whatever you decide to do.

I will leave you with one comment my Mum said to me.........can you see yourself growing old with him and being happy?

lindsaygalaxy

Hi.
When reading your posts there are strong reminders of life with my EX. Luckily we were not married, but still wasted 6 years of my life with him (apart from my wonderful children).

When my daughter was about 18 months old, I chucked him out the first time. I was much stronger that time. He would go out when he wanted, lads holidays, disappear all night - staying 'with friends' etc. I would be told I was being paranoid etc, all my fault ofcourse. That was until the day I found condoms in his drawer - I was on the pill so we didn't use them. He couldn't explain them. Next day he went to work, I put his stuff in bin bags and through him out!

2 months later still stupidly crazy in love with him ( I was young and he was my first really serious bf) I bumped into him when out. He said he still loved me and wanted us back. He then said he was tired and was going home and would call. I bumped into his housemates who said to go back and surprise him. I did. He was in bad naked with someone else.

He then left the country to sort him head out for 6 months. When he returned he promised he had changed and wanted his family back etc. I gave him a chance for the sake of our child - I didnt want her to be from a split family. It was great to start with, then his old behaviour had returned. Always out, always busy at the weekends, money had to be split 50/50 on everything with me left to pay the childcare stuff. He would say awful things to me, putting me down, nothing I could do was right and the occasional violence. I didn't want to be with him, but didn't want to split my family up either, so I just hoped he would change. My gut instinct told me he was no good. He was the same with bbqs, birthdays etc - always father of the year, but too busy in real life for us and everything was left to me to sort out.

Then he was nice again for a while. Wanted another child. So we did, during pregnancy he was half nice, he also went on holiday with his mates when I was 6 months pregnant as he 'needed the break'. Then my gut told me something was wrong. 4 weeks after our 2nd baby was born I felt a piece of paper with flat addresses and rental prices on it. I asked if he was leaving he said yes. A day later I found out he had been having an affair and moved in with her.

What i'm saying, he read your own post and if you was an outsider, what would you be telling you to do. I can tell from your first post you know it isn't right. Move with the kids on your own, if it's meant to be he will change and it will work out. If not, you will still be happier. You can and will cope. My life is certainly better not being with him ( I knew it was abuse at the time but didnt want to face it or admit it to people). You can do the same. PM me if you need to.

lady1964

I agree with everything that's already been said about what a selfish man you are married to.

I do hope that in amongst all the packing that you're having to do, you're not packing his things; clothes, his 'boys toys' (if he has any), his shoes, his tools etc etc. Surely by the time you've done everything else, you'll be far too tired to do his stuff???

One of my friends has fibromyalgia so I understand how limiting it can be, she works part time but doesn't have children so only has half the hassle you have.

You do have a job, you are looking after your kids & a home, how much stay at home people do should never be discounted or under-estimated and that's what your OH is doing, it's so disrespectful to you & the kids.

Your name should be on the mortgage & deeds; when we bought our home, I was a stay at home mum so no income but my name was on both. My DH knew that I contributed to our home in so many other ways and it didn't even enter his mind to not put my name on them both.

You have great support from your family, use it please & you simply must stand up for yourself and your kids, your kids will be learning from you both, please let them see positives.