Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

beautiful_ravens

Kathy535 wrote: »

Knowing that I was no longer trying desperately to make a broken marriage work meant that the balance of power shifted, I felt stronger, I acted differently. I felt more confident and less affected by his behaviour - after all, I knew I wouldn't have to put up with it forever.

So very true. Once you have 'decided', your whole outlook shifts away from them.

sabretoothtigger

I spent a month handwashing all our clothes. I saved up money for a new washer and he spent it on a night our drinking

Dam thats bad, got to hide the money in the freezer in times like that

Angelicdevil

beautiful_ravens wrote: »

So very true. Once you have 'decided', your whole outlook shifts away from them.

OP, I don't really have much to add other than I really feel for you and hope you find a happy place.

I do agree 100% with the above from beautiful_ravens and Kathy though! I've made my decision (very different situation) in my head and I just get stronger and stronger each time I'm reminded why I've made the decision and I know, one day, I will have the courage to walk away.

paddy's_mum

OP - you don't have to leave the matrimonial home (whether that be the one you're in now or the new one you are going to.) Frankly, you would be a fool to do so.

The over-riding interest of the courts will be to secure a roof over the heads of your children and they don't give a tuppenny toss whose name is on the mortgage or the deeds, I can assure you.

In your shoes? Register your interest in the property at the Land Registry as some wise soul said earlier and then when your excuse of a husband comes back, sit yourselves down and start talking/negotiating. If your husband starts shouting and screaming about you claiming the house, then ask yourself what he planned all along, even as he was siring those children? Wouldn't he, as a normal father, want his own children cared for and protected?

If he won't grow/shape up, then start divorce proceedings. Don't leave the home unless a divorce court judge orders you to (s/he won't!) Short of physical violence (upon which the police can and will act) there is nothing further that your husband can do to hurt or shame you so you can hold it together while everything gets sorted out, especially as I understand that you have a marvellous and supportive family.

I cannot agree more with those responders who have pointed out to you that there is a snowball in hell's chance that your husband will carry out his gutter level threat to challenge you for custody - how can he justify leaving you alone, repeatedly, while simultaneously alleging that you are an unfit mother .. what does that make him then, other than a negligent, self indulgent, blinkered, petulant little boy with more semen than spine?

I do not know how to say this with more force ..you do not yet seem to have grasped how powerful a position you are in!!!!! Please seek good legal advice, if for no other reason than to protect your children. Keep posting - many on here have learned the ropes the hard way and can help to support you along whichever road the way now takes you.

I wish you luck and genuinely hope that things work out for you but would also say that if his 'mates' are so blasted important to him, let's hope that one or two of them will be cleaning his house, rearing his children, cooking his meals, doing his washing, keeping him company in the winter evenings, warming his bed .. etc.

lilmisskitkat

Thank you so much to all who replied with support and advice, it has made me feel a lot better and i know a lot more now about various things.

I have been researching online and have worked out roughly what i would be entitled to as a lone parent. I'd get 90% of my rent paid (according to our local housing allowance), council tax benefit, child tax credits, income support plus my child benefit and any maintanence from husband. This would allow me to manage until my youngest went to school (in 2015) when i could then look for a job of around 16-24 hours a week which i plan and hope to do (fibro permitting).

I'm not quite ready to call it a day yet, I feel far too emotional and under stress to make a snap decision, i need to think long and hard. If it was just me i'd be off but i have the children to consider too and despite what i know and how i see him they adore their Dad.

He is back tomorrow and whilst this week is mainly about getting moved and settled in, the week after when it is all over I will make him sit down and talk to me and tell him that changes have to be made - this really is his last chance.

He has then got until the end of the year to prove to me that he can change, grow up and commit to this family that he helped create. If he cannot/will not do this then me and the kids will be starting 2013 on our own. I feel stronger by knowing that financially i would be ok and with the support of my family and friends i would cope emotionally too. As someone said further up "Knowledge is power!".

Thank you so much again, i'm very grateful I joined this site 8 years ago when me and DD1 moved into our first home and the advice and support i have received on various matters over the years has been second to none. Thank you

K xx

alwaysonthego_2

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

The house is ours, well his. They wouldn't put me on the mortgage or deeds other than as an occupier as i don't earn any money and don't contribute anything. Renting a 3 bed house round here is around £500pm so not too bad really. I used to get help with my rent when DD1 was small as i was at college part time and only worked 10 hours a week but i think the housing benefit rules have changed?

K xx

No the house is yours too, it doesn't matter if you do not contribute financially, you look after the house and the kids. The court will see you as having joint rights in the house, possible even more as you will be responsible for the kids. You need to register your interest with the land registry so he cannot sell it from under your feet (the new house).

I managed to get away from my ex husband who was very emotionally abusive and gave me threats to stop me from leaving. But I learnt that he is a very weak man and I didn't want to be with him. I would advice you to get an appointment with a solicitor who can tell you your legal rights, the CAB can direct you to one that offers a free session. It is best to know where you stand, but your husband is responsible for ensuring that you and the children have a roof over your head. But do get the legal advice before you go any further. You are a strong woman, as you proved before and you can do it. Don't waste your life and your children's formative years by being with a prat. The house, if you don't get to stay in it, will not make you happy if you are still with him xxx

VJsmum

Wishing you well for tonight lilmisskitkat - isn't that when OH is back?

amyloofoo

Pack your things, 50% of what the children have and leave him to pack his fair share (with the children in tow) whilst you go to a spa....

Sorry, it was just too tempting to say, I appreciate it doesn't actually help the situation at the moment. Unfortunately I have to agree with the majority of other posters. He is being incredibly selfish, not just towards you, but also towards your children. Whilst it may be possible to forgive a man who treats you poorly, how he's behaving towards your children is unforgivable.

amyloofoo

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

I have spoken to my Mam, she is very supportive and a good listener And i have great friends too.

My condition would make it difficult for me to work as it is very unpredictable and therefore i am not a 'reliable employee' as the job centre told me. At the moment all my energy goes into the kids but when the youngest starts school I'm going to look for a part time job and she'll go to pre-school next year so i was hoping to do some volunteering a couple of mornings a week.

xx

Hi, just spotted this and wanted to let you know that whilst times are very tough, you're not alone in being in this position. I'm also frequently and unpredictably unwell which means I am sometimes able to work ridiculously long hours and sometimes can't get out of bed. I've managed to get around this by doing 'bank' work for the NHS (bank hours mean you have a 0 hour contract, they ring you, usually a day or two before to ask if you want to work a certain shift and there's no pressure either way if you're not feeling well). I'm also studying part-time from home with the Open University, which is helping me to increase my skills and boost my confidence after some tough times post-diagnosis. Is this something that might work for you? If you need to ask any questions or just to vent, feel free to PM me.

dibuzz

I actually cried reading this as it a lot of it could have been written by me.
We moved house when my my kids were 5, 3 and a baby of 3 months.
I had to do all the packing and organising for the move which was very difficult and stressfull especially as middle child hardly slept.
He never lifted a finger to help round the house unless we had visitors, then he played mr perfect host.
His weekends and days off were for him, the fact that I never got a day off didn't matter. I wasn't allowed to leave any of the kids asleep when I did the schoool run with the eldest in case they woke him up so had to get them dressed and out in all weathers even if middle child had been up all night and only gone to sleep at 6am.
I let him walk all over me and the more he did it the more I let him.
36 hours after 4th child was born I had to get all 4 of them up and out to take eldest 2 to school whilst he lay in bed.
He used to have computer football tournaments with his mates and I had to either go out with the kids or we had to stay upstairs out of the way.

Eventually I got the courage to escape and although he still controls me in some ways and makes things very difficult it's the best thing I did.
the only thing I would do different is not give up on the money side. He has never given me more than £25 a week (in total not per child) and I know it should have been much more as he earns good money but he has made threats and at the time I couldn't deal with it.
Please don't be as weak as I was/am and if you do split, make sure you get everything you are entitled to from him.
Good luck whatever you decide.