Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

lilmisskitkat

Hi, I'm not sure what i'm looking for posting this, maybe just to get it all out or maybe to have someone reassure me that i'm not in the wrong for being hurt and angry.

We are moving house next Friday, Husband left on Tuesday for a holiday with the lads, he'll be back next Tuesday night. I've been left with all the packing, 3 kids during half term and he left the car with almost no petrol and no money for me to get some. He doesn't see this as a problem, when i objected to him going i was accused of being 'clingy'. He goes to work so he needs a break (this is his 2nd holiday this year) but me and the kids wont be having a holiday this year because we've 'no money' with the new house and things.

Now i don't mind not having a holiday, it is going to cost a lot with moving and things that need immediate attention in the new house (boiler and fencing in the back garden) but surely that should mean that we all make sacrifices and not just me and the kids? I don't work, i'm a SAHM so aside from child benefit and a tiny amount of tax credits i am reliant on him fully. Why should our children miss out on things because he can still not grow up and realise he is married with 3 kids and not 'one of the lads' anymore? He has gone away with 3 other blokes, all single/in casual relationships and no kids. I don't know where he is or what he's doing.

He seems to place so little value on our family that i don't thing it would bother him to throw it all away for a fling or something. The kids haven't seen or heard from him since Tuesday, it is now Saturday. All i have had is texts like "text me the mortagae account number" and "give the van hire place a ring" etc.

Life at home is not happy in general, hasn't been for a few years. He is either out doing his own thing, and spends weekends lying in bed until midday unless he's going to the football or something. I don't trust him, i dont know if there is someone else. His reason for everything is that he works and his weekends are for relaxing, so we hardly ever go anywhere as a family.

Gosh this all sounds so bad written down, I know if i was reading it as someone else i would be thinking why the hell i was with him but i'm scared of splitting the family up. I did consider leaving a couple of years ago, told him that things had to change or i was leaving but he said that he'd tell the courts i was an unfit mother and couldn't look after the kids on my own (i have fibromyalgia and anxiety issues).

I'm just so stuck

VJsmum

Hi

Sorry you are having such problems <hugs>

Not sure I have any advice - my OH has the odd holiday with the lads too but I haven't begrudged it as it was always on the basis that it wasn't instead of anything we do as a family.

I would say, though, that maybe you should call his bluff on the "tell the courts you are an unfit mother" thing. If he is so unwilling to be a family man then he won't want to be left as a single parent of 3 children.

Personally, I would tell him to shape up or ship out but only you know what your marriage is and how much it means to you and your children.

kazwookie

Hi

Hugs first off.

Are you sure he is with the 'lads'?

Are your kids, clean, fed and generally healthy, if so then you are looknig after them ok from what you have said.

How old is your OH, you need to sit him down again and have a chat about him spending more time with the kids.

Does he, do stuff with the kids during the week like reading / asking about their day etc?

Edwardia

I suggest you talk to a counsellor eg Relate. He does seem very selfish and the unfit mother thing is appalling emotional blackmail.

aliasojo

OP that's not a marriage.

You're housemates, and not even equal housemates at that.

Your husband doesn't respect you, he dumps on you and he doesn't see you as a person to be with or have fun with. He's mentally put you in a category that is way down his list of importance.

Moving house is one of the most stressful experiences a person can have and he's happily swanned off not caring one iota about it all, because he's left it for you to sort out.

You told him you were unhappy before and his answer to that wasn't to see how things could be fixed, it was to threaten you.

Only you can change things, whether that means staying put but becoming a harder person or leaving, only you can decide.

pearl123

I feel so sorry for you he is way way out of order. He's a married man with a wife and children - yet it appears he want to have the single life. From what you've said he does not seem to think beyond himself!

It shocking that you've been just left in a mess whilst he goes of on holiday. If I was in your position I'd be writting disgusting txts to him whilst on holiday. Letting him know exactly what a shameful situation he has left you in. Re: Money/no petrol.
I do understand what it is like to have health issue and anxiety. I suggest you get angry and strong with your husband. You need to stand up for yourself and let him know it is not acceptable.

What do his family say?
Has the relationship alway been about what he wants to do?

Rev

Hugs on the way OP.

Easy for me to say but if he were my DH, when he got back from his holiday he's find his stuff in bin bags outside the house and the locks changed.

Call his bluff. Tell him him report you. But do you honestly think he wants to be a single parent of three kids? Spending his cash on child care and giving up his lads holidays/nights out/football. From the sounds of it. Not a chance.

He's thoughtless. I don't know a single decent father we wouldn't give up their lads holiday in a nanosecond for their kids to have a holiday.

You deserve better. So do your kids.

whitewing

It could just be a coincidence that this holiday has happened at a bad time - I don't think maybe he planned that, just that the others have gone at this particular time.

Second holiday for him this year is not good. I would have serious issues with that.

I think he is being really selfish, but I don't necessarily think it is anything worse than that.

Can your family help with packing/moving/childcare. You can't really change the fact that he is on holiday now, and stressful times are not good times to be making long term decisions.

wannabehermit

Hi I'm not sure my post is what you are going to want to hear, but I've been there, done that, found the strength from somewhere to get the hell out.

"I work all week so want to spend my day off with my mates"

Sound familiar?

That was what my ex said on me begging him to spend some time as a family.

He sounds selfish and like he wants the single life despite having you and your children.

I know just how you feel and it's hard when you want the 'perfect family life' that you dreamed of and were promised. I guess from what you say in your OP that you have already tried to talk to him about it and get him o understand how you feel and what you want.

Other than that how is he? As a husband? As a father? What other input does he have in things like schooling, birthdays etc? How much general time do the 2 of you spend together or the 5 of you? Do you do random days out at the weekend? Go to the park just for the sake of it?

wannabehermit

whitewing wrote: »

It could just be a coincidence that this holiday has happened at a bad time - I don't think maybe he planned that, just that the others have gone at this particular time.

Second holiday for him this year is not good. I would have serious issues with that.

I think he is being really selfish, but I don't necessarily think it is anything worse than that.

Can your family help with packing/moving/childcare. You can't really change the fact that he is on holiday now, and stressful times are not good times to be making long term decisions.

This is a lot more than just going on a boys holiday for a few days, you can tell from the OP that it runs a lot deeper than that. It's easy for an outsider to comment and say tell him where to go, but a whole different kettle of fish when you're right in the middle of it.

jackieb

That sounds rotten. ((( hugs)))

If he was that worried about you looking after the children why does he trust you while he goes off on holiday with the lads? I think he'd be laughed out of court.

I think of myself as pretty easy going but I think i'd be spitting feathers if I were in your shoes. x