Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

margaretclare

From the perspective of an older generation, can I say: this is not a marriage. It isn't even a partnership. So, he 'works all week'. Big deal. So have countless other men down the generations, and their pride was in earning the money to see their family decently housed, fed and kept warm. I don't know what 'the lads' do when they go on holiday, I'm not a 'lad', but I would suspect, a lot of drinking and, maybe, 'pulling birds'? A bit like that rugby player is said to have done not long after he married into the royal family? What else do they do?

I would agree with the poster who said that moving house is one of the most stressful of life's experiences. Yes, it is. It's up there with bereavements, you name it. Physically taxing, emotionally and mentally draining. And doing it with 3 children - it needs 2 adults, not one alone.

I have nothing but contempt for someone who makes futile threats of the kind your OH has done. You are allowing him to control you and rule you and he's using all the weapons at his disposal, having sussed out your vulnerable points - your physical problems and your anxiety (read: insecurity). You're going to have to grow a backbone and tell him exactly what's what, otherwise you are going to have the most miserable of futures, while he enjoys himself on the basis of 'working all week'.

I wish you good luck! You'll need it.

liney

You don't know where he is? Surely this came up in conversation when he announced he was going, unless he refused to tell you in which case i'd have told him he needn't bother returning!

FBaby

OMG, when did your self-esteem and confidence got so low... as you say, you know that your husband is treating you appaulingly and you should be out, you are only staying because you don't think you could cope without him....welll you could and many single mums do but you will have to believe in yourself first.

Maybe it is a case of plunging and just going for it once and for all, or if that is too scary of a prospect, you need to start to plan it. That should involve accepting the end of your relationship to start with, and then gradually looking at securing yours and your children future. Don't hesitate to open up and seek help from family, friends or professionals. But please please, don't let him manipulate you in thinking badly of yourself. Sit down, look at your kids, and think...are you really a bad mother? Of course not. Is he a good father? of course not.

His behaviour is shocking and you know it. It can only be excused and accepted by someone too beaten up psychologically to stand up for themselves. That doesn't have to be you. Hugs.

Make-it-3

Yes it looks terribly selfish and disrespectful, but this hasn't all happened over night. OP you have allowed this situation to come about by not putting your foot down earlier.

You say you have come on here to have a rant, but you need to do more than that or you can look forward to more of the same for the next five, ten, twenty years.

A next house is a great time for a new start - so while he's away why not start thinking of some new ground rules and what you want from this marriage. Do you want more independence for yourself, time out for yourself, family time etc? And be prepared with an ultimatum if he can't shape up.

Person_one

Make-it-3 wrote: »

Yes it looks terribly selfish and disrespectful, but this hasn't all happened over night. OP you have allowed this situation to come about by not putting your foot down earlier.

There's always one person who comes along to blame the wife for her husband's appalling behaviour.

Ignore that OP. He's a grown up, he's responsible for his own actions, not a child who needs to be guided and taught right from wrong.

gandalf16

Another male opinion coming here
I can agree with nearly everything thats been said above particularly the comment that its very easy to look from the outside & tell you what to do but not so easy for you to do it

I have 2 young kids & I did the "off with the lads" thing quite a bit , until I had kids. I firmly believe that we all need to spend time with our mates as it's important to me to do that but not at the expense of our families.

I believe that this man needs to seriously grow up & accept his responsibilities. 2 holidays a year on his own while the family have had none is 100% wrong. To threaten you with being an "unfit mother" is laughable , the very fact you posted this shows you are a caring mother & if anyone is unfit it's him.However the fact that he reacted like this when you confronted the problems may be a clue as to what his attitude is towards you

He should be spending every spare minute with you & the kids making memories for the kids , not on lads holidays.

I hope he wakes up & sees the damage he's doing , from the sounds of it he comes across as very selfish.

I wish you well

paddy's_mum

To me, the most worrying thing about this entire situation is that you don't know where he is and have only the flimsiest method of contacting him if disaster were to strike.

So what happens if you are knocked down and injured by a bus and he either can't be reached (perhaps because his mobile is flat or has no signal) or he is on the other side of the world? Are your children old enough to summon help, cope alone, get to Grandma's house unaided..?

OP - I can categorically assure you that this is not just 'selfish'. It is so contemptuous of you and the family as to be, quite simply, cruel. :mad:

gandalf16

"Yes it looks terribly selfish and disrespectful, but this hasn't all happened over night. OP you have allowed this situation to come about by not putting your foot down earlier"

This sounds harsh but is not necessarily untrue or a pop at the OP
I had a very rough time for a while in my marriage simply because I opted for the quiet life & chose to get on with it rather than cause arguments.

It's only recently that things have started to get back to being a 2 way street but the OP in this instance can only change whats going to happen in the future & not the past

Make-it-3

I'm not blaming the wife, but she needs to recognise that a pattern of behaviour has been allowed to occur that she (and most of us) find unacceptably selfish. She can't change how she has acted in the past, but now that she has recognised it (and says herself that if it was anyone else she would tell them to pack their bags) she needs to act on it.

Instead I am trying to be positive and say look at where she is, what she wants going forward and step up to get her husband to take her seriously.

krlyr

If he really feels that you're an unfit mother, why has he swanned off and left you with the kids by yourself? That's not the actions of a dedicated father who is worried about the care of his children when in your company, and the courts are likely to see it that way too.
I have to agree with everyone else, it's time to face the tough reality and call his bluff. Find out what you're entitled to, you won't be completely penniless just because you don't work. CAB may be a good place to start - and perhaps even see if Women's Aid can offer some support, there may not be physical abuse here but there's the emotional bullying (and leaving you without a mode of transport or money could even be classed as financial abuse, he's using his power over you to your detriment, and isolating you by his actions too)
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

What are the signs of domestic violence?

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
• Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again

I can't judge your relationship by one post but as others have said, lots of warning signs there, the above may be some food for thought.