Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

beautiful_ravens

Hm how annoying. Lad time isnt the problem, its the rest, as has been pointed out by everyone. Definately not an unfit mother, thats just scare tactics.

My useful suggestion is can OP earn extra money for herself/to save by selling things on ebay? The smallest, easy-to-post things can be sold, like clothes, books, even joblots of 4" squares of material for patchwork.

Valli

unbelievable.

You have my sympathy OP

as you are working out what you want from life (with or without him) I'm sure many posters on here will be happy to support/advise

lilmisskitkat

Thank you for all the replies, to answer a few questions (though i can't remember who asked them, sorry )

He did say where he was going in a vague way, they're travelling through a few different places apparantly. I know now that they're in the 2nd place because his friend posted on fb. I think he is definitely with his friends, i'm just concerned about who else he is with when they're 'out on the town' etc.

I've been a single mum before, DD1 is not his biological child and i was alone with her from being 3 months pregnant until she was 4 and i met my husband. I was a strong person back then and with the help of my family i coped well but i fear i wouldn't do that now with 3 kids rather than just 1.

He likes to play the family man when it suits, in front of family, going to BBQ's/weddings/christenings etc but on the day to day things he does very little with them. His family don't like me, there was a big bust-up a couple of years ago which prompted me to think about leaving. Basically I had his mother there hurling abuse at me, blaming me for wrecking her family (other daughter-in-law had an affair, i have no idea how this is my fault!) and Husband just sat there not saying a word, not stopping her or defending me. She also said nasty things about that fact that i was 16 when DD1 was born and i've trapped her son etc.

The new house would be a great thing for the kids, better neighbourhood, garden, other children around, more space etc and i really want it to be a fresh start for us all but i don't know how to make him see sense . If i did leave him I'd have to leave the house, there is no way i'd afford it on my own.

When we first got together even though i had DD1 i had a life and my own friends and we did both couple things and seperate things, i never minded him going to the footy or away with the lads because thats just what he did, i did however think that when we had DS he would settle down but he didn't. It's not that i object to him going away with his mates per se, he went for a weekend in November for a stag do and I had no problem with that. It's when he is going away for longer, not for any reason other than just to have a holiday and the kids don't get one at all. DD1 is 10 and has been on 2 holidays in her life, one with me and my sis when she was little and the other before we had DD2. Both in the Uk at haven camps so nothing exotic but he wont come on holiday in this country as he says its not worth it so off he swans on his own abroad.

I know a lot of this is my fault, i've been far too soft along the way, i guess i just expected that by now he would have tired of the 'single' life and started being the family man he claims to be. Last year was one of the hardest of my life due to health problems with both little ones, with DS needing mutiple hospital stays and thats what really kicked the anxiety off, i had to go on AD's just to get through. The only support i had was from my family and friends, he'd just tell me to cheer up or stop being dramatic.

Sorry i'm waffling

VfM4meplse

nje24 wrote: »

in my experience men dont understand words they understand action. He needs the shock treatment.

The trouble is, any shock tactics will add grist to his mill and build up a case for being "unfit".

Make-it-3 wrote: »

I'm not blaming the wife, but she needs to recognise that a pattern of behaviour has been allowed to occur that she (and most of us) find unacceptably selfish.

I agree there's a lot more to it than the story initially presented. But from what has been said, he's a selfish what-not.

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

I know a lot of this is my fault, i've been far too soft along the way, i guess i just expected that by now he would have tired of the 'single' life and started being the family man he claims to be. Last year was one of the hardest of my life due to health problems with both little ones, with DS needing mutiple hospital stays and thats what really kicked the anxiety off, i had to go on AD's just to get through. The only support i had was from my family and friends, he'd just tell me to cheer up or stop being dramatic.

From the rest of this post I can see why he says that you're being clingy, and you're right that you should have been calling the shots from day 1. He also seems to see the kids as your responsibility - why is that? I don't think anything short of a kick in the b*llocks is going to change things now.

Valli

If the behaviour of his mother is anything to go by taking responsibilty seems to be a family problem...

Brighton_belle

VfM4meplse wrote: »

From the rest of this post I can see why he says that you're being clingy, and you're right that you should have been calling the shots from day 1.

I really can't see it myself. In what way has the OP been clingy?

arbroath_lass

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I really can't see it myself. In what way has the OP been clingy?

Me neither. All the op appears to want is a family life.

OP you seem worried about being a single parent again. You already are, you'll just have one less child to worry about.

Mrs_Arcanum

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Me neither. All the op appears to want is a family life.

OP you seem worried about being a single parent again. You already are, you'll just have one less child to worry about.

:T:T:T Exactly.

pearl123

OP - you are alone. Husband is behaving like a single man!

His behaviour and the work he's left you with is digusting.
Are your family/friends helping you?

jellyhead

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Me neither. All the op appears to want is a family life.

OP you seem worried about being a single parent again. You already are, you'll just have one less child to worry about.

It does sound a bit like you're already a single parent You've certainly been one this half term.

I'm in a similar situation to you in that I already had a child when my husband and I got together, and my husband has just been on a lad's holiday over half term. The difference is that my husband called to say good night while he was away, I had the bank card so I could always get a taxi to a cashpoint if I needed to, and he took the thursday and friday off work (he returned on Wednesday) to do family things during half term.

I am a stay at home mum. My husband doesn't act as if he can do what he likes just because he's the wage earner, and he took on a step child. You deserve a proper family man, and if your husband shows no sign of wanting to change into one then I think your life would be no worse on your own. Financially you may not be worse off either. Look at the entitledto website and see how much housing benefit you would get. Is the house very expensive for what it is, or is it the standard price for renting a house of that size? (3 bedrooms I assume?).

I don't know anything about your illness though. Do you have family nearby who could help if needs be? Your husband obviously thought you could cope in half term without him, and also at the weekends it seems. Does he get up early once a week to give you a lie-in?