Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

Gonzo33

There are very few mortgage companies that will not allow the spouse on a mortgage if they are not working. These days to be on the deeds you have to be named on the mortgage.

Just_Plain_Jane

Gonzo33 wrote: »

There are very few mortgage companies that will not allow the spouse on a mortgage if they are not working. These days to be on the deeds you have to be named on the mortgage.

I know little about these matters admittedly, but it makes sense that the mortgage company would want the mortgage in both names so that if it all goes t!ts up somewhere down the line, they have two people who are 'jointly and severally liable' for the debt and therefore have two people to chase for the repayments instead of one. Am I right?

LunaLady

I could have written the OP, so I have every sympathy for you littlemisskitkat.

My ExH left me at 8 months pregnant with our DD, so that he could visit friends. While he was away we were burgled in the middle of the night. I rang him distraught but he wouldnt come home because he and his friend had gig tickets (He was only an hours drive away). It was then that I knew he was too selfish to be part of a family.

I left him when DD was 6 months because tthats how long it took me to get the strength I needed to leave. Its been nearly 4 years and its the best thing I ever did. Me and the children are happy and we have built our own lives now. He rarely sees them (his choice as he moved to Scotland) and we are all okay with that.

The main thing for me is that I control my life now and the decisions I make. For example when DS2 was a small baby our washing machine broke and I spent a month handwashing all our clothes. I saved up money for a new washer and he spent it on a night our drinking. Now I look back and think what a doormat I was, but at the time I just went along with it all.

The children are happier now and that is all I need to know I have made the right choice.

Valli

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

I know little about these matters admittedly, but it makes sense that the mortgage company would want the mortgage in both names so that if it all goes t!ts up somewhere down the line, they have two people who are 'jointly and severally liable' for the debt and therefore have two people to chase for the repayments instead of one. Am I right?

I think so!

Also both lives can be insured with respect to paying off the outstanding mortgage, so if a non-working wife/SAHM dies the mortgage is paid off.

Padstow

It is vital that you Register your interest in the marital home with the land registry. This will prevent your H taking out secured loans, remortgaging or selling it without your permission.
They will notify him, but it is your right and will make you far more secure.
Guidance here and a link to the land registry.
http://england.shelter.org.uk/?a=333768

jellyhead

Dunroamin wrote: »

That's exactly what I thought.

OP, do you know that your lender said this or is it just what your husband told you. Most SAHPs will be on the mortgage, even if they have no independent earnings.

I know one person who is not on the mortgage, and that's because she had a bad credit history. I don't know if that affects the mortgage deals you can get, or if perhaps she was going through a debt management plan or had some other reason for needing to keep her finances separate from her boyfriend's. She had to go and sign something to say that the house was nothing to do with her. She's in his will though.

OP have you looked into the financial situation if you left him? If you're not sure of details ask on here and somebody will take you through it.

Yorkie1

If the OP is due to move in 5 days, I suspect that it is too late now to change the mortgage / deeds: it is likely that they have already exchanged on the contract, so are bound to complete the sale and move on Friday.

OP, I agree with the others' assessment of your hubby. Only you will know whether you are prepared to make a snap decision before you move (in circumstances of extreme pressure and righteous indignation) or let things settle after the move.

Kathy535

Years ago, I was married and it wasn't so good. After my then DH had an affair, we went to relate. The counsellor told me that I could make a decision but that I could chose when to implement it. So, if I made the decision to leave my husband I could do so in 6 months, 12 months, 5 yrs, whenever I felt strong enough. But that making the decision would change things. I did make the decision to leave and it did change things.

Knowing that I was no longer trying desperately to make a broken marriage work meant that the balance of power shifted, I felt stronger, I acted differently. I felt more confident and less affected by his behaviour - after all, I knew I wouldn't have to put up with it forever. It took 2 yrs until I felt strong enough to implement the decision and leave. It wasn't easy but if I hadn't made the decision back in the past, then I'm not sure I'd have got through it so well.

So, you can make a decision now about what to do with the rest of your life. That might be to make your marriage work, it might be to make your DH realise what an a*se he is or it might be to leave or get him to leave. Whatever your decision is, you don't have to physically carry it out now, just bear in mind the decision you've made for the future.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you and your children.

thehappybutterfly

Kathy535 wrote: »

Years ago, I was married and it wasn't so good. After my then DH had an affair, we went to relate. The counsellor told me that I could make a decision but that I could chose when to implement it. So, if I made the decision to leave my husband I could do so in 6 months, 12 months, 5 yrs, whenever I felt strong enough. But that making the decision would change things. I did make the decision to leave and it did change things.

Knowing that I was no longer trying desperately to make a broken marriage work meant that the balance of power shifted, I felt stronger, I acted differently. I felt more confident and less affected by his behaviour - after all, I knew I wouldn't have to put up with it forever. It took 2 yrs until I felt strong enough to implement the decision and leave. It wasn't easy but if I hadn't made the decision back in the past, then I'm not sure I'd have got through it so well.

So, you can make a decision now about what to do with the rest of your life. That might be to make your marriage work, it might be to make your DH realise what an a*se he is or it might be to leave or get him to leave. Whatever your decision is, you don't have to physically carry it out now, just bear in mind the decision you've made for the future.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you and your children.

Excellent post. What did your ex say when the councellor gave that advice? Or was it in a 1-2-1 session?

beautiful_ravens

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

Thank you all again


The house is ours, well his. They wouldn't put me on the mortgage or deeds other than as an occupier as i don't earn any money and don't contribute anything. Renting a 3 bed house round here is around £500pm so not too bad really. I used to get help with my rent when DD1 was small as i was at college part time and only worked 10 hours a week but i think the housing benefit rules have changed?

K xx

As a single parent wanting to rent a 3-bed house, with 3 kids, youd get housing benefit, council tax benefit, income support, obviously still get child benefit, and child tax credits if your kids are under school age. Once they all go to school full time, the newest laws mean youd have to start work, but only 16 hours a week and a change in benefits.
So if you did leave, you could do all that, its what I did, twice. My kids are all at school and Im now going self employed [tomorrow!] and starting a little crafting business, where I work from home for 20 hrs a week.