Selfish husband, don't want to do this anymore :(

pixie76

I have read this thread & have nothing but admiration for the women who have posted about their marriages. I have suffered nothing but problems with my OH for years & did nothing but dither & acted like a doormat. I felt for a long time I did not have the strength that some of the previous posters on this thread have.

I suffered mental & physical abuse for years, everything was always & still is my fault.He was never to blame & assumed culpability for nothing. But my tolerance finally snapped when he cheated on me .He also stood one day & told me that he hoped I died a painful death of cancer because I took up smoking due to stress!

You have to be strong for you & your children & tolerate no crap from this man. To say you are an unfit Mother is disgusting and is just an idle threat which would get him nowhere.

I hope if you do work things out things change drastically and he makes changes for the better.

Take care & I wish you well.x

LandyAndy

Read the OP. I can't be bothered to read 5 pages.

On the other hand I don't need to to spot a s h i t.

conradmum

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

Gosh this all sounds so bad written down, I know if i was reading it as someone else i would be thinking why the hell i was with him but i'm scared of splitting the family up. I did consider leaving a couple of years ago, told him that things had to change or i was leaving but he said that he'd tell the courts i was an unfit mother and couldn't look after the kids on my own (i have fibromyalgia and anxiety issues).

I'm just so stuck

Just harking back to your first post, I think this is very likely an empty threat. He hasn't acted like a man who's remotely interested in bringing up children on his own, so I very much doubt he would in reality try to obtain custody of them. From the sound of it, though, he understands exactly what he's doing and knows your weaknesses well. He knows you will do anything for the children and knows what to say to keep you there as a convenience for him.

shelley_crow

conradmum wrote: »

Just harking back to your first post, I think this is very likely an empty threat. He hasn't acted like a man who's remotely interested in bringing up children on his own, so I very much doubt he would in reality try to obtain custody of them. From the sound of it, though, he understands exactly what he's doing and knows your weaknesses well. He knows you will do anything for the children and knows what to say to keep you there as a convenience for him.

Spot on. OP, have you got any proof of the holidays he has gone on by himself? Preferably confirmation emails backed up with credit card statement. If he does throw this at you in the furture and tries to take it further (doubtful) you have him over a barrel. Confirmation will be for him only, state the length of time away and that he paid. If you can squirrel this away with your parents or friends, this may prove peace of mind that he is a lying sack of ?%$£

Lotus-eater

Any bloke who threatens their wife with the unfit mother thing (unless there is a good reason and that's the last thing that comes to mind with this case) is a nasty piece of work and I didn't even need to read the rest, which just proved the point.

mountainofdebt

OP

I was going to say whilst no-one would expect you to make a snap decision, what might help you - in the long term - is if you can squirrel some money away.

Can your parents look after either the passbook or the actual cash for you so that he can't find it ?

ebaybaby

OP, I dont have much to add, except that my Mum has fybro and its a really debilitating (sp?) illness that needs a lot of support alone never mind your other problems. Do you know that stress also makes it worse?
Good luck hun x x x

gunsandbanjos

OP you get one life, do you really want to spend it like this?

margaretclare

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

He says it's a waste of money (remember we 'haven't got any money',as he says, hence no holidays etc) and that everything will go to me as his wife anyway. I wanted to get one drawn up last year with regards to the children if anything was to happen to me/both of us but he refused

xx

Oh, no no no! Two things:

Everyone should have a will. Everyone without exception. If there are any people who should have a will rather than others, it is people with children. Talk to anyone with a little legal background and that is what they'll tell you.

Also, you may not be on the mortgage, but you really should be on the deeds. This is what used to happen a couple of generations ago, and it left the wife as a nobody within her own home - what's supposed to be her own home but she has no title to it. What does that make you - an unpaid housekeeper?

If you're determined to stay with this guy, move to this 'better' house, then you're going to have to put your foot down the moment he shows up from his lads' holiday. Today is the start of the rest of your life. It's going to be all down to you to lay down new ground-rules and make sure they work. Are you up for it?

margaretclare

jackieb wrote: »

I'm on our mortgage and at the time we took it out I wasn't working either. Are you sure this isn't your husband making things up?

You could be right.

Now I come to think of it, when my first husband and I took on a mortgage in 1962 (not so common then so no one from family to advise me) the mortgage broker actually suggested this or we wouldn't have thought of it. Since then I've never lived in a house where I wasn't 'on the deeds'.