Taken to court by grandparent - advice please

Welshwoofs

theoldcynic wrote: »

As i said before though, a no contact decision with ones own parents is really not one most people take lightly.

Oh I don't know. I once ceased all contact with my own Father for approximately 5 years because he simply irritated and bored the backside off me. He still does, but now I'm older and realise that's just how he is and so I smile and let it all slide over me like water off a duck's back.

One of my Aunt's has absolutely nothing to do with my Grandmother for no paritcular reason other than she doesn't like her character. There's absolutely no history of abuse, alcoholism or any family problems whatsoever and the other 3 adult children have no problems with her at all.

People are odd sometimes.

Person_one

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Oh I don't know. I once ceased all contact with my own Father for approximately 5 years because he simply irritated and bored the backside off me. He still does, but now I'm older and realise that's just how he is and so I smile and let it all slide over me like water off a duck's back.

One of my Aunt's has absolutely nothing to do with my Grandmother for no paritcular reason other than she doesn't like her character. There's absolutely no history of abuse, alcoholism or any family problems whatsoever and the other 3 adult children have no problems with her at all.

People are odd sometimes.

I think not liking someone's character is a great reason not to have anything to do with a person.

There's no law that DNA has to override personality, blood is not always thicker than water!

theoldcynic

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Oh I don't know. I once ceased all contact with my own Father for approximately 5 years because he simply irritated and bored the backside off me. He still does, but now I'm older and realise that's just how he is and so I smile and let it all slide over me like water off a duck's back.

You know sometimes welshwoofs and i mean no offence by this, I don't know whether to get incensed, laugh or cry at some of your responses! It may be a two way thing though eh? Lol!

Would you in all honesty if you had a child not allow them to see your father, just because he irritated and bored the backside off you?

Welshwoofs wrote: »

One of my Aunt's has absolutely nothing to do with my Grandmother for no paritcular reason other than she doesn't like her character. There's absolutely no history of abuse, alcoholism or any family problems whatsoever and the other 3 adult children have no problems with her at all.

People are odd sometimes.

In these situations i don't think it is fair to judge the actions of one child on the basis that the other children appear to have no problems with the parents. However much a parent may try to be fair every child's upbringing and experience is different within the same family. Again as has been shown in that narcissistic mothers thread parents can divide and conquer between the children, it is not unheard of for there to be golden children and scapegoats within the same family. In cases of abuse parents often will choose one child to abuse and not touch the others because it is harder to prove when the other children have no knowledge/experience of it. Not that I am in any way suggesting that is what went on with your aunty.

Yes I agree people are odd and never fail to surprise you!

macaron

Welshwoofs wrote: »

People are odd sometimes.

I think that it is odder that you feel as though People should some sort of relationship with every relative just because they are related.

rpc

euronorris wrote: »

I am surprised that so many people give such little value to the grandparents rights.

They have no rights. All the rights belong to the child.

Would you be so quick to dismiss their rights, if you found in the future, that your own child - who has a drug/alcohol problem and lives in absolute filth, rarely pays rent (so in danger of becoming homeless) etc - had a child and then denied you access to them?

In that case, a court should still not intervene unless social services conclude that there is a problem (which they clearly should in the scenario you describe). Access will not help the child there, removal would. It is not for a grandparent to do the job of social services (but that doesn't mean they shouldn't help social services).

RuthG

The OP's question was not to invite moralising on the benefits or otherwise of her parents being involved in her children's lives. You are all correct - you dont know the story. But what was asked was whether CAFCASS might get their act together and complete a report before the next hearing and whether it would be possible to keep from the grandmother the fact that the OP is expecting child #2.

It really is not the place of anyone on this forum (or any other) to be saying (whether openly or by implication) that the OP is wrong to deny contact in the first place. Whatever the situation, the court will eventually work its way through the minefield of human relationships in this particular scenario.

RuthG

Forgot to add, grandparents are NOT going to be given 'rights'. What they might be going to be given is the possibility to make an application without first applying for permission to make that application. I am on the Committee that makes the rules that govern the family courts and we have discussed long and hard whether it would be beneficial for grandparents not to have to apply for permission. But they are not going to be given any 'rights' - all the rights belong to the child and the welfare of the child is the courts' paramount consideration. In other words, the benefit to the child is what counts and not what anyone (even parents) wants.

GobbledyGook

I've been on both sides of this argument. My Grandparents took my brother and I from our parents, then won custody of us and it was undoubtedly the best thing for us so I'm not anti-grandparent in any way. My MIL, however, attempted to take me to court for access to my daughters and there is no way in hell the woman will ever get unsupervised access to my children again (if she was ever successful in getting any access at all). Despite the fact she had a strong relationship with them and seen them almost daily for most of their lives.

The thing that always strikes me now is how much effort my grandparents put in to staying onside with my parents. They bent over backwards not to row with them or be kept away from us. It must have been very hard for them as we were not well cared for and I know they would have been itching to say more.

That's where my opinion on the OP's situation was formed. If you want to have a relationship with a child then you have to (imo) at least once attempt to build/rebuild a relationship with the parent. If you don't even try to speak to your son or daughter, using the fact that they have a child as an opening gambit if need be, to allow yourself to have the traditional family set up then it doesn't say much for your sense of family imo.

spacegirlfive

Gosh, I didn't realise what a can of worms this would open up!

As RuthG correctly wrote, I was just looking for a specific bit of information on CAFCASS and my rights in court.

However, to put things into context:
Everyone who has said that this is only one side of the story - well of course they are right. I can't put the other side across and unless the grandmother has read this and decides to post her own opinions - you'll have to make do with mine.

The grandfather has nothing to do with this as they have been divorced for over 30 years. He is a part of my son's life, as are his other set of grandparents - one of whom is a step-grandparent. So he is not short of family contact...

The grandmother did send a cursory letter after many years of no contact; she stated that she had found out about her grandson on the Internet and could we let bygones be bygones as she would like to get to know her grandson. My partner and I feel that she still owes us explanations and apologies for the original reasons we broke off contact, and they can't just be brushed under the carpet as she wishes to do. She is not prepared to apologise and her past actions hurt us tremendously - we can't risk our child being exposed to her or her partner.

I completely agree that there are plenty of legitimate reasons why grandparents should be allowed contact with their grandchildren. There are many irresponsible parents - we are not two of them. Our son leads a full and happy life with us. He has contact with family on both sides and has plenty of friends (both his and ours). We don't think a bi-annual 400 mile round trip to visit people he does not know, and be put at risk of the aspects of the relationship I mentioned previously, would be beneficial to him in any way - blood relationship or not. Blood is thicker than water - but as Eddie Izzard says, custard is thicker than blood.

looby75

spacegirl if you are able to attend the court date and are as articulate and calm as you have been on this thread then I am sure the judge will agree with you the it isn't in the best interest of your child/children to have contact with your mother.

Again good luck and well wishes for the birth of your new baby.