Taken to court by grandparent - advice please

POPPYOSCAR

This is an emotive subject but on balance I have to say I think the parents should be the ones who decide who play a part in their families lives.

I say this as a grandmother myself, and it would break my heart not to be involved in their lives, but if that is what the parents wanted I would respect that. No way would I take them to court, to do so IMO is very selfish.

Mr_Thrifty

Tell the old bat to put you in her will and you might think about it

macaron

Welshwoofs wrote: »

One would hope that if there was no solid reason why there was a breakdown in a parent/child relationship (history of abuse, alcoholism, drug taking..other destructive behaviour) and it was simply a rift built over time, that all involved could 'man up' and act like adults for the sake of the child. It's not good for a child when a couple who've split won't talk to each other, squabble all the time or use the child as a pawn...yet it happens a lot, but nobody would think of automatically denying one of them access on the basis of 'how would it benefit the child to have a relationship with parents who won't talk'

If you had grown up with an abusive, unreliable Parent that you hadn't spoken to in years why on earth would you want to involve them in your Childs life? They are related to you, so bloomin what!

Tygermoth

I do feel the courts should look at each on a case by case basis.

Parents are not always objective or rational where their children are conserned, sometimes to the detriment of the children, and not all grand parents are lovely white haired people who dote on their grandchildren.

As somone who has a controling and manipulative mother i would have reservations but maybe i also am not impartial nor rational.

G51shopaholic

My nephews arre 25 & 21 and have NEVER seen or had any contact with their dad's mother (this is my mother-in-law).

She is a very very selfish woman and made no secret of the fact she didn't like grandson's. She always wanted a grand-daughter. So in 1999 when my own daughter was born I was told to expect her to be all over the baby. She showed no interest and never has.

We hadn't seen her for over 12mths, even though she only lives 30 miles away. She moved to the same village as her daughter who has 3 kids and my mother-in-laws world revolves around her daughter and her 3 kids. She interfered so much that my sister-in-laws marriage broke down cause her mum was always in the house.

What benefit, apart from causing stress to the OP, does this woman think she can offer the child? It would be different if the relationship had been established but in this case it was not. So why is she doing it?

Welshwoofs

peachyprice wrote: »

You're just going to ignore what OP put about her parents being awful then?

To be honest, I'm more interested in the responses to the Op and how so many people seemed to be totally dismissive of the role of Grandparents, rather than the op's particular issue

There are, in fact, quite a number of stories of perfectly good Grandparents being totally denied access to their Grandchildren. It often happens after a divorce when the parent with custody suddenly decides that they no longer wish their ex's parents to have any access to the child.

photome

Welshwoofs wrote: »

To be honest, I'm more interested in the responses to the Op and how so many people seemed to be totally dismissive of the role of Grandparents, rather than the op's particular issue

There are, in fact, quite a number of stories of perfectly good Grandparents being totally denied access to their Grandchildren. It often happens after a divorce when the parent with custody suddenly decides that they no longer wish their ex's parents to have any access to the child.

None of which has any bearing on the OPs post

good luck OP as others have alluded to you can chose your friends but you cant chose your family

euronorris

peachyprice wrote: »

There is no, and there should be no, right in the first place. Why should anyone have the right to override a parents wishes for who has access to their child?

Bad grandparents who are in the periphery of a child's life can do far more harm that no grandparents at all. I'll give you 2 examples.

Child 1. Had a paternal grandmother who was a hard faced cow, said grandmother had absolutley no maternal insticts, she forced her sons to leave home at 16, put her disabled child in a home when she reached 18. Showed no interest in the child or her siblings throughout her entire life, couldn't even pick her out in a crowd, on the few occasions she did spend time with the child she was verbally abusive to the child and sent her to her bedroom because she was getting in the way. Child was forced by well meaning father to visit the grandmother who didn't even like the child.

Child 2. Had maternal grandparents that were very unkind to her mother whlist growing up. As soon as the mother left home she had nothing else to do with her parents or siblings. The child was brought up with just one set of loving grandparents, the other set were never mentioned.

Which child do you think was most damaged? The one forced to have contact or the one with no contact?

But both of those examples would be covered by mental abuse, which is a very valid reason to deny access, IMO.

theoldcynic

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Grandparents can currently apply for permission to apply for a Contact Order via the courts. In addition a bill is under consideration to grant Grandparents right to access so if that ever gets passed then they'll have rights enshrined in law. Grandparents are not distant relatives.

It is my impression that this bill is being brought into consideration because of the breakdown of marriages and children being used as pawns in those situations. To enshrine the rights of access to grandchildren where contact has previously taken place and where the grandparents may have even acted as carers to the child in some way. Where the grandparent has already legitimately proved that they have played an integral/caring role in their grandchilds/childs life before and after birth and where a parents no contact decision could be deemed to be out of spite and a personal and impulsive/emotive decision over the marriage/relationship breakdown rather than in the interest of the child.

It is my opinion that in cases like the OPs, this law is and will be open to abuse by interfering/manipulative grandparents. It could be that although the law is trying to protect the child being used as a pawn by the parents, the grandparents are exploiting it to use the child as a pawn with their own estranged children and damaged relationships.

I don't believe that is in the interest of anyone that any court should be getting involved in estranged extended family arguments in this way aside from the parents/legal guardians. As i said where do these rights stop? With the aunties and uncles? Where is the line drawn?

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Conversely, life can be enhanced by the addition of something that's currently missing. I'd also say that people these days seem very quick to dismiss the role of the Grandparent.

In a loving family I do not dismiss the valuable and nurturing role of the grandparent. In a family fraught with tensions, abuse and bad relationship models between the parents/grandparents I also do not dismiss the very real harm it could cause too. Both should be considered very carefully.

welshwoofs wrote: »

Well you appear to have decided simply because the op hasn't spoken to her parents for years it must be down to the parents being awful. Personally, in the total absence of facts, I prefer to put an opinion across from both sides of the fence.

I am going by what the OP says and yes I am only hearing one side so have only that to draw on. As i said before though, a no contact decision with ones own parents is really not one most people take lightly. I suggest you read the narcissistic mothers thread on here, it is amazing what kind of abuses people will endure before they go down that road, especially when society as a whole has a very idealised view of the mother/child nurturing bond that may be out of step with the reality.

Gottodothis

My ex mother in law see's my daughter when ever she wishes. I divorced her son when my daughter was 2 she is now 20.


she has stayed with me when we moved to another part of the country and i stayed with her when another relationship broke down.

She is a very important part of my daughters life and always will be. What happened between me and her dad was exactly that between me and him and nothing to do with his mother.

My mother (i hate calling her that) has no contact with my daughter never has and never will. My life is happier without her or any other members of my family in it and as my daughter is 20 she can now decide herself