How much are you expected/do you do for your partner?

heartbreak_star

OP, this is going to seem VERY harsh but I'm getting a bit exasperated now. What do you want us to tell you? It seems like you're not going to listen to the perfectly obvious things we're pointing out and are going to swan along with this guy anyway.

Just don't blame us when in a few years time you're fighting for a way out because he's started controlling your movements and shouting at your kids and you look at the situation and think "now how did that happen?".

You HAVE to stand up for yourself. Or get out. He doesn't seem like a very nice person...and I know of which I speak. I've been there, and I wish someone had given me a shake back then. I wasted 2 years of my life on a manipulative, mentally (and sometimes physically) abusive man, and am thankful it wasn't more.

HBS x

balletshoes

so did you talk to him about it all yet OP?

You know his behaviour isn't right, its ringing your own alarm bells, only a couple of days ago on another thread you said so yourself.

Pee

In the past couple of years my OH hasn't been working most of the time. This is now starting to look up again. When he is working it is usually the same hours as me, but his job is a lot more physical. I do have some studying to do again at the moment.

Whilst he hasn't been working, all I do is the shopping and cook basically when I feel like it. Sometimes we share the cooking, but he is always good at doing the boring stuff like chopping onions. I would also deal with any paperwork, but we don't have much.

Since he has been working again, he has been doing some shopping - not always quite to my bargain hunting standards - and I have taken back the washing and most of the cooking, although he has always done all the washing up and hoovering.

It is a matter of give and take. To be honest when I was worrying about money, because he wasn't working and all that pressure was on me, it felt very important to me that he was pulling his weight. We don't have children though, and obviously your health problems may or may not make a difference. We found that if he did something which I was then appreciative of, house work with a DIY element usually or cooking, that this made him feel better about not working, which is naturally a bit of a depressant.

Hiddenidenity

heartbreak_star wrote: »

OP, this is going to seem VERY harsh but I'm getting a bit exasperated now. What do you want us to tell you? It seems like you're not going to listen to the perfectly obvious things we're pointing out and are going to swan along with this guy anyway.

Just don't blame us when in a few years time you're fighting for a way out because he's started controlling your movements and shouting at your kids and you look at the situation and think "now how did that happen?".

You HAVE to stand up for yourself. Or get out. He doesn't seem like a very nice person...and I know of which I speak. I've been there, and I wish someone had given me a shake back then. I wasted 2 years of my life on a manipulative, mentally (and sometimes physically) abusive man, and am thankful it wasn't more.

HBS x

I dont want you to tell me anything, I thanked the replies yesterday. I took the advice on board and I am going to speak to him, I only replied today to answer the question about my children. I DID listen to what was said, I know the replies are right, I know I have to talk to him, and I know its down to me now.

heartbreak_star

Best of luck with it then - I hope it all really does go well and you get it sorted so you can be a happy person again!

HBS x

Pee

I've now read some of the other posts and you need to be firm about what you expect now, or else this is going to get worse not better. As he is a friend, you should be able to talk to him.

At least he is being honest about what he expects from his woman, and straight away. A lot of men give the impression of wanting something and changing the rules as the relationship develops. Although I don't think you should put up with this unless he has a lot of other very good qualities...

Hermia

amyloofoo wrote: »

I agree with all of the above... You've been together for a month and he behaves like this? You're supposed to be in the honeymoon period... things are NOT going to spontaneously get better, you need to put your foot down.

What also concerns me is that you say he shouts if things aren't done the way he'd like. Are your children around for this? How do they feel about a strange man coming into their house and shouting at their mother?

OP - I feel you perhaps need to have a break from relationships so that you can examine your attitude towards men and maybe also develop your self-confidence. Your attitude towards relationships is clearly very different from most people's (if the replies on this board are anything to go by) but you really don't seem to see that.

It is not usual for a woman to be doing all a man's chores after one month. Most couples would usually still be in the dating stage and still basically behaving like two individuals after one month. The doing someone's housework doesn't usually come until later and after negotiation.

Shouting at someone over the housework is also not normal. IMO shouting is something that happens in times of real frustration and should only happen on rare occasions. It shouldn't be a normal occurance. You have been together one month! How dare he feel he has a right to treat you like this! He should still be at the skipping around thinking the sun shines out your bottom stage of the relationship and he is treating you like some old drudge. What a sense of entitlement he must have. Why don't you want someone who treats you with respect and like an equal?

balletshoes

Pee wrote: »

I've now read some of the other posts and you need to be firm about what you expect now, or else this is going to get worse not better. As he is a friend, you should be able to talk to him.

At least he is being honest about what he expects from his woman, and straight away. A lot of men give the impression of wanting something and changing the rules as the relationship develops. Although I don't think you should put up with this unless he has a lot of other very good qualities...

have you read all the other posts Pee? Just wondering, as my opinion is no-one should put up with being shouted at for the tea not being on the table, the bath not being run, or the ironing not done to exact specification, and especially by someone who doesn't even live there!

Mojisola

balletshoes wrote: »

have you read all the other posts Pee? Just wondering, as my opinion is no-one should put up with being shouted at for the tea not being on the table, the bath not being run, or the ironing not done to exact specification, and especially by someone who doesn't even live there!

Absolutely agree - if I was paying people to do these things for me and they weren't done to my liking, I still wouldn't shout at them!

xxlouisexx56

I now stay at home to look after our 2 daughters.

The only things expected of me is to take the big one to school and back and entertain the baby.

I do 100% of the housework as I am home everyday. When he gets in I would rather he spends time with the kids.