How much are you expected/do you do for your partner?

duchy

I'm sure the OP feels a bit defensive about some of the responses.

I don't honestly think people who are in an established relationship giving their experiences is useful . The OP does NOT live with this boyfriend, he appears to not have a relationship with her children (evidenced by her "I only expect him to be polite to them" Erm actually I would expect ANY visitor to MY home be be pleasent and polite to others *in their own home*). Also this is your children's home -why should they be subjected to ANY visitor shouting at their Mother ? What lesson is it teaching them ?

This man seems to have got his feet under the table very quickly-The fact you were friends before doesn't matter -it's still early days in your relationship -and if you do him a favour like his washing or ironing -then it's a favour -not a right and he has no excuse to tell you how you choose to run your household/do your chores etc. It sounds like he's working away and turning up with yours with a week's worth of washing and staying til it's time to go back to work. Perhaps you need to back off a tad and "go out together" as a couple rather than let him essentially move in so soon. I do understand that you've come out of a bad relationship-but "He treats me better than my ex-partner" isn't a good benchmark. Look at how he treats you -without comparing it to your previous relationship-or if you must compare-try comparing it to how your friend's partners treat them -and accept you are worth better treatment-please !

Newly_retired

To answer the OP's question:
As I am retired ( though I have a lot of commitments including voluntary work) and DH is still working, I do all the cleaning, washing, tidying, change beds, putting away, most of the bins, some of the ironing, most of the cooking, most of the shopping etc.
I am brilliant at getting meals ready on time for whatever time he or I need to eat to keep up to our commitments.
He brings me tea in the morning and cooks Saturday lunch and once a month, does en evening meal.

But recently I have noticed DH does less and less. He gets his own lunch but does not wipe the worktop, does not put things in the dishwasher, always leaves it for me to empty, ignores mess and muddle.
If we run out of some food item he needs he will buy it. On the one hand I am glad he deals with it if it can't wait till the weekly shop, but on the other hand I get irritated that he just looks after his own needs.,
His territory is DIY and the garden but he has given up DIY and does the minimum in the garden.
OK for the moment, but when he does finish work later this year, we are going to re-assess the situation.
ALthough DH does not expect me to do what I do, he does take it for granted. Is there a difference?
OP , your situation is that he is not even properly moved in with you yet you are expected to do things for him that are unreasonable and get shouted at if it is not good enough.
I agree that alarm bells are ringing very loudly.

System

Whatever i do i do because i want to, not because its expected of me.

amyloofoo

Hiddenidenity wrote: »

No my children aren't, also he isn't a "strange man" like I said in a previous post we have been very good friends for years, even before I had children. So the kids have always known him. Theres no way if I'd have met someone away from who the kids have seen I'd have introduced them to anyone so soon. Its only because he was a regular visitor anyway iykwim?

I understand defensiveness around your children and I'm not accusing you of anything untoward. However, even if the children have known this man all of their lives, this is a new relationship for them as well as for you, and it sounds as though what they witnessed in your previous relationship may not have been very healthy, and now there is a new partner exhibiting some of the same behaviours. However long your children have known this man, for him to now be coming round not as their mum's friend, but as someone who shouts at her must be very confusing.

I think it's really positive that you wouldn't consider introducing your children to someone new so soon, and understand that if you've (and they've) known this guy for years then the temptation must be to think that they'd continue to get on fine. I'm not sure how old your children are, but if they're at the age where they're aware of what happened in your past relationship then they may not be okay with this guy, even if they were fine with him being a friend before. I know you want what's best for your kids and everything you've said screams out that you're a really good mother, but from the outside, I can't help but be concerned about the behaviours these kids may be witnessing.

Hope your talk goes well and you get the resolution you want from it. It's easy to be judgemental from the outside, but maybe things will work themselves out after your talk. If you want to stay with him then I sincerely hope he starts to change his behaviour, you feel confident to challenge him when it's needed and your relationship becomes stronger as a result :grouphug:

Hiddenidenity

amyloofoo wrote: »

I understand defensiveness around your children and I'm not accusing you of anything untoward. However, even if the children have known this man all of their lives, this is a new relationship for them as well as for you, and it sounds as though what they witnessed in your previous relationship may not have been very healthy, and now there is a new partner exhibiting some of the same behaviours. However long your children have known this man, for him to now be coming round not as their mum's friend, but as someone who shouts at her must be very confusing.

I think it's really positive that you wouldn't consider introducing your children to someone new so soon, and understand that if you've (and they've) known this guy for years then the temptation must be to think that they'd continue to get on fine. I'm not sure how old your children are, but if they're at the age where they're aware of what happened in your past relationship then they may not be okay with this guy, even if they were fine with him being a friend before. I know you want what's best for your kids and everything you've said screams out that you're a really good mother, but from the outside, I can't help but be concerned about the behaviours these kids may be witnessing.

Hope your talk goes well and you get the resolution you want from it. It's easy to be judgemental from the outside, but maybe things will work themselves out after your talk. If you want to stay with him then I sincerely hope he starts to change his behaviour, you feel confident to challenge him when it's needed and your relationship becomes stronger as a result :grouphug:

Thank you I totally understand where you are coming from. My kids are just 3 and just 1. So the 1 year old didnt witness anything and ds whos 3 didnt really, as soon as it got to a point anything was anywhere near to ds hearing/seeing anything thepolice where involved and he was removed. If anything it was alot worse before ds was born and i didnt have the courage to get rid until the police took him iykwim?

Ive spoken to him anyway, and he said he didnt think he was coming across that way, and that he obviously didnt want too. We spent a while talking and I feel alot better now

Thank you for all your replies

shellsuit

Hiddenidenity wrote: »

I don't expect him to do anything, don't get me wrong. The children are "mine" not his, I don't expect him to do anything with them other than be polite when they are talking to him etc. I don't expect him to do anything around the house etc I don't mind (I enjoy) doing it all myself in my own little ways. I enjoy the cooking ironing etc. Its the arguments if its not "right" that bothers me, that its now expected. I've been having treatment and some days might not want to iron that days load of washing for example, but for him it has to be done then!

I'm a little bit upset (?not sure the right word) that he expects his tea done when he wants it, no matter what I'm doing at the time, He expects his bath run, ironing done a certain way just when hes ready. Also other things like he will tell me to do X this way and if it isn't its a major argument resulting in him storming off/shouting etc.

This from someone you have been seeing for less than 28 days?! :eek:

That's not right. That's scary!

Why would you put up with behaviour like that?! You should still be in the honeymoon period, not having him bark orders at you, for not doing things for him.

lmp0507

I'm not expected to do anything,
however as a general rule, I tend to be more enthusiastic with cleaning up, whereas I have to remind him to do it,
If I'm cleaning, he'll help me without being asked.
If I wash clothes he will hang them up, and vice versa.
He tends to make the bed and neaten up the bedroom, while I'll do the bathroom. The living room and kitchen we share, although I tend to do the little jobs and he'll help when I'm doing a 'proper' clean and the stairs I do.
The cooking tends to be me, just because he isn't a fantastic cook he will do a meal once a week normally, If I cook, he'll wash the pots, and vice versa.
He also makes me a cup of coffee every work morning, he either brings it me in bed if I've got the morning shift off (I know, isn't he lovely?) or he'll leave it on the side for when I come down if I'm working.
Breakfast normally gets cooked by him as I do the majority of evening meals.
He's a bit daft and needs prompting to clean sometimes, but I'm not expected to do anything, and neither is he. And he is lovely.

amyloofoo

Hiddenidenity wrote: »

Thank you I totally understand where you are coming from. My kids are just 3 and just 1. So the 1 year old didnt witness anything and ds whos 3 didnt really, as soon as it got to a point anything was anywhere near to ds hearing/seeing anything thepolice where involved and he was removed. If anything it was alot worse before ds was born and i didnt have the courage to get rid until the police took him iykwim?

Ive spoken to him anyway, and he said he didnt think he was coming across that way, and that he obviously didnt want too. We spent a while talking and I feel alot better now

Thank you for all your replies

So, so pleased for you and hope it continues to be better :j It's so easy to come across badly in the first few weeks of a relationship when neither of you are really sure what to expect and communication's not as it normally would be for a couple who've been together longer. Maybe it was made more difficult because you knew each other before? Maybe he decided you could start acting like an old married couple already lol :rotfl:

On a more serious note, I think it was really important (and brave) for you to have 'the talk' and outline your expectations given what's happened in past relationships. It sounds like hopefully you've now found a partner who, although maybe not perfect, is willing to listen and work with you to make a healthy and happy relationship. Wishing you guys all the best for the future, as well as the kiddies, Amy x

getzls

Of course as a man i do most of the work in our house. One job is easy to decide. Hand down the drain= man's job. Hand down the toliet= woman's job. I'm happy with that.

ani_26

HI,

You might not like my reply either. I don't care.

Its been said. Warning bells. I think you know / knew in your own heart, before you took the relationship route.

If nothing else, think of the effect it has on your children who will grow up thinking this is the way normal people act / behave.

Any abuse, in any form, is not acceptable / normal behaviour.


Get out now.