Husband has made me feel like nothing..

Gingham_R

suki1001 wrote: »

I'm not sure why people on here see the fetish and the man's behaviour towards the op as separate. The 2 are clearly inextricably linked.

There is no reason to decide what this man's view of 'women' is based on how he treats the OP, and certainly not based on the fact that he has a fetish.

We don't know whether these things are linked. Plenty of men with a healthy, respectful view of women have fetishes. Lots of women share them with their husbands and lots of women have fetishes too. No reason to pathologise that. How he is treating his wife may or may not be linked and may only be linked because he feels he can't tell her. This is NO excuse for bad behaviour but I'm pointing out that it isn't certain that it has anything to do with him having problems with how he views women.

Gingham_R

suki1001 wrote: »

I'm sorry but if you think what he's saying is normal then you have problems.

No-one has said what he's saying is normal. But you're saying the bag of underwear isn't 'normal' and I suggest that maybe different doesn't equal 'abnormal'.

suki1001

Gingham_R wrote: »

No-one has said what he's saying is normal. But you're saying the bag of underwear isn't 'normal' and I suggest that maybe different doesn't equal 'abnormal'.

I'm saying the 2 together could well be linked, if he has an unhealthy view of his partner and possibly of women, then his fetish with underwear might be done for a different reason to most men with the fetish. He is very degrading to his partner, why is nobody considering that this doesn't have the potential to be linked to how he views women in general.

All I'm saying is it it were me, I'd just be double checking this wasn't the case - to be on the safe side - what's wrong with that?

Gingham_R

suki1001 wrote: »

I'm not sure why people on here see the fetish and the man's behaviour towards the op as separate. The 2 are clearly inextricably linked.

suki1001 wrote: »

I'm saying the 2 together could well be linked, if he has an unhealthy view of his partner and possibly of women, then his fetish with underwear might be done for a different reason to most men with the fetish.

All I'm saying is it it were me, I'd just be double checking this wasn't the case - to be on the safe side - what's wrong with that?

Nothing wrong with that, but that's not what you said initially, which is why I posted as I did.

Scorpio33

I also think the key to a relationship is communication. That is telling them when you are happy, sad, indifferent whatever. You should never assume that someone knows how you are feeling as "it is obvious", no matter who they are.

Now the reaction to any communication is a different matter...

euronorris

tea_lover wrote: »

He calls her fat, ugly and smelly and tells her she 'made him' have sex with her. Should he really need that pointing out?

No, he shouldn't but......if that is how all of his previous relationships have been like, and she's never called him on it before (strongly, ie, This is unacceptable. It stops or I walk!), he may just accept it as part and parcel of a relationship.

With some clear boundaries set, he may change his behaviour entirely and the relationship can continue. He may, of course, not take any notice and carry on. In which case the OP should then leave. But I do think it's only fair to give him a chance to address the issues.

As others have said, the fetish isn't so much the issue here as how he is acquiring the items is, and how he treats and communicates with the OP.

suki1001

Gingham_R wrote: »

Nothing wrong with that, but that's not what you said initially, which is why I posted as I did.

Ok, but people have kept them incredibly seperate, to the point of saying, I'd not be annoyed at his fetish, but I'd be annoyed at the way he treated me. I personally can't see how they could keep them seperate, and would not be treating them so. If he was alright, nice guy and had the fetish, that would be a different story, but I find him quite chilling in the way he behaves.

System

He obviously doesnt like women much.... useful to turn him on and have sex with but not much else.

euronorris

suki1001 wrote: »

Ok, but people have kept them incredibly seperate, to the point of saying, I'd not be annoyed at his fetish, but I'd be annoyed at the way he treated me. I personally can't see how they could keep them seperate, and would not be treating them so. If he was alright, nice guy and had the fetish, that would be a different story, but I find him quite chilling in the way he behaves.

From what the OP has described so far, it appears to me that he has problem communicating and is rather immature. Not so much that he has a problem with her or with women in general.

He is still communicating, and arguing, like a teenager. ie, you upset me, so I'll call you names in anger. For all we know, the OP may well call him names too. His past relationships could have been filled with arguments that involved name calling. So for him, that could be 'normal' to do. And it could be easily fixed by the OP laying down some very firm ground rules, and sticking to them.

The 'you made me have sex' comment also appears to be an immature attempt to deflect attention away from his fetish, rather than anything more sinister.

To me, this all suggests that they need to work on their communication as a couple and that the fetish should be dealt with separately. It appears to be very separate to me. I'd say the chances of it being connected are less than 1%. So, unless more information comes to light, I don't think it's worthwhile investigating any possible link between the two.

marleyboy

There are some men out there who's fetish is rape, many rapists do like to collect a token or souvenir. Which is why until OP knows to what degree this fetish is and where EXACTLY all this underwear has come from, such a fetish should be a cause for concern.

The abuse is the general reason many posters think OP should dump him and NOT because he has some hidden fetish.

My main concern would be where all these knickers came from and would most certainly want a more plausible explanation than they belong to an X, particularly if he was reluctant or nervous to dispose of them, as there is a BIG difference between innocently purchased sex aids and criminal evidence that may well come back to him.