Husband has made me feel like nothing..

Lotus-eater

Emmzi wrote: »

Most people want a partner, not a project. and when there are millions of decent people who don't talk to other people like they are dirt, why would you invest in a project that doesn't want to fix itself?

Life is for living, it's short, and it should be fun. He doesn't sound like he's actively seeking help himself.

And actually I don't care about the knickers. I do care about the secrecy, the lying, and way he is treating OP.

The secrecy and the lying are both to do with the fetish, the OP showed how she thought about it by calling him maybe a big perve. So it's not really amazing that he seeks to hide it.

Most people when they get a partner, get some sort of a project.

I'm not defending him, the abuse is not right at all.

Emmzi

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Tell him what he has been doing, why it is wrong, and give him time to change. If he can't change, then by all means finish it.

He's not a child. If he doesn't know things that make your partner miserable are wrong, and doesn't try and find out why, then why is it OPs job to educate him?

If she wants to do that she'd be better fostering.

Scorpio33

tea_lover wrote: »

If you put up with a relationship where you're lied to, treated with no respect, insulted and made to feel stupid you would be a very unhappy person indeed.

There is a big difference between putting up with relationships, and hoping people learn from mistakes. As I said, if lessons are not learnt and the same issues happen time and time again, then by all means finish the relationship.

But not to give someone a chance to change and learn from mistakes is just wrong.

Scorpio33

Emmzi wrote: »

He's not a child. If he doesn't know things that make your partner miserable are wrong, and doesn't try and find out why, then why is it OPs job to educate him?

If she wants to do that she'd be better fostering.

He may not even know that is making her miserable.

tea_lover

Scorpio33 wrote: »

He may not even know that is making her miserable.

He calls her fat, ugly and smelly and tells her she 'made him' have sex with her. Should he really need that pointing out?

Scorpio33

tea_lover wrote: »

He calls her fat, ugly and smelly and tells her she 'made him' have sex with her. Should he really need that pointing out?

Fair enough - but I would still give him an ultimatum. Something like, you have a week/month to change, and if you don't then I am gone.

Not just finish it straight away.

Not defending him - but I still think he may not realise what he is doing at all.

cocopops21

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I am shocked not only about the comment, but also by the number of people who have "thanked" this comment.

You are in a relationship, and find something shocking, so the first thing you do is to finish the relationship???

Surely you would try and work through (a) what the issue is and then (b) If either of you can accept or comprimise over the issue. There is a reason why the two got together, so surely it would be worth trying to save the relationship?

Honestly, the reason why divorce is so high, it seems because of people think comments this.

Admittedly, it seems like he has issues - calling you names is not on. And the relationship may well end, but to me this is always the last resort after everything else has been explored.

I agree with this 100%. People make mistakes, occasionally lie, occasionally say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing. It doesn't mean they are bad and should be alone and dumped. I'm sure the OP's partner has a lot of wonderful qualities that made them be together this long in the first place.

People that are quick to say 'dump him and move on' on this forum seem to think they're perfect and give out perfect life advice. Any mistakes can be worked through and I strongly believe that. On the grand scheme of things, this isn't the worst that can happen and can certainly be worked out.

Emmzi

I have only seen a couple of threads here that end up with "we went to counselling/ talked it out/ it's all better now." Common denominator - partner was prepared to put in effort from day one.

I've seen a lot of "I tried and tried, I gave it another shot, it's still rubbish."

I will always, always vote for cutting out the 12 months of pain while the partner pretends to care enough to change, goes through the motions, and reverts to type. Fundamental changes in your core values are near impossible to carry through.

balletshoes

its absolutely not the undies in the bag I have an issue with, thats not really even an issue as far as I'm concerned, I would have taken that on face value and dumped them in the bin.

The way he speaks to his wife is the issue I have, and I'm struggling to see how the words he's used and the way he's used them in the OPs examples can be anything other than a complete disrespect for her feelings. He doesn't know how that will make her feel? Sorry but I'm having trouble believing that as well.

suki1001

jellyhead wrote: »

Online, probably.

I once sold a used bra. It was velvet and very pretty, but I'd had a baby and it didn't fit anymore, and had only been worn a couple of times. You couldn't really see the details in photos, so I took one of me wearing it, but you couldn't see much of me.

I looked at other listings and they seemed to explicitly state that the item would be washed before posting - so I said that. Obviously I did wash it, but afterwards I realised that people were saying that to comply with the rules, and the bidding went higher than the cost of the bra new. I hope the buyer got it for his girlfriend, but afterwards I did wonder if he'd been expecting a used one, and had looked at the pic of my saggy, freckled boobs in 'that' way

The fetish wouldn't concern me, but the way he talks to his wife would be a concern.

But the way he speaks to his wife could well be linked to his fetish and how he views women. It's possible he got them online, but it's also possible he didn't. If it were me, I'd be doing some detective work. EpsomOldie has made some very good points. This man has a disturbing view of women.
While I wouldn't want to blow things out of proportion, I'd want to know that this man's fetish wasn't more than that.

edit to add: I also wouldn't be getting rid of the bag, just in case it is more than just a fetish - then it's evidence.