Husband has made me feel like nothing..

19lottie82

Even if they were his ex’s, I don’t see why he would have a HOLDALL full of her knickers. I don’t even own that many.
And then, it’s not something that you would just “forget” to throw out, especially if you had moved house since apparently acquiring them? This would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of them.

And as they are “worn” he’s obviously not just buying them new from shops.

To me it would seem like he has a fetish for used women’s underwear, which isn’t that bad I suppose BUT the sheer volume of them is a bit weird.
He has either A) Bought them online (I’ve heard you can do this, but I’m not totally clued up!) or He has acquired them some other way (theft), which is pretty pervy and creepy.

There could be other explanations but what is 100% obvious is that he is lying to you. If I were you I’d be telling him to tell me the truth instead of come !!!! and bull story. Or get out.

1 pair as a “pleasuring aid”, maybe, but a massive bag full?! Something’s not right.

balletshoes

ihatethesenowiamone wrote: »

He has just stropped off outside for ciggie... thanks for the replies. Will try to ansa things! He doesnt go on internet at all ever and if i am honest i dont think he has cheated on me with someone else since we have lived together etc... I DO believe that they probably belong to the ex..... i can remember going to his room in parents house and seeing various minging stuff like that but this was many years ago and i honestly though he would have just got rid of them! He IS EXTREMELY lazy though he would never admit it and yes, i can see it being true in that sense.

We have just had a bit of a shouting match and he has said some nasty things. Not the things i mentioned before....it is like when he is in a corner, he will just shut down and then when REALLY goaded, will lash out..... i know i shouldnt "go on" but i need answers etc i need to know he understands how i am hurting about this.... so i go on and on til he answers then he gets angry (think teen boy!) and says things that, when calm, he will say arent true and will say "of course i dont mean them" etc.....

I ashamed to admit it, but last night we had sex... and i thought he wanted it etc, though i was slightly worried that he was doing it as "make up for what i have done and thent things'll be fine" sex....... He has just said to me "you made me have sex last night".... he then said "when i said no, you talked me round" (neither true in my mind thats for sure!)

I feel pain at those words - and the worst part is, i never quite know if he is being hurtful and lashing out or just saying what he really honestly thinks

OP do you not recognise that his behaviour is totally unacceptable towards you? What he says, what he calls you, how he treats you, none of it is done out of love or respect for you, its all done to hurt you and grind you down. Its abuse, and you don't have to put up with this.
FGS he's even got you doubting when he means what he says and when he doesn't - you're in prime position to be a victim of domestic abuse (even if it doesn't get physical, mental abuse is just as bad).

EpsomOldie

OP, from your description of your OH's behaviour, habits and history it appears to me that he:

• doesn't like / respect you

• has 'issues' with women and sex...'blaming' you for 'making' him have sex? I'm not liking the sound of that.

I do really wonder where he's got them from (and no they're not his ex's). Buying them is the best scenario, nicking them is creepy but no big deal. Let's hope it's nothing more awful. (Sorry if that last bit's OTT - I read too many crime novels. )

It's up to you where you go from here - I'd be off.

EO

Scorpio33

diceydeb wrote: »

Dump him and the bag too !

I am shocked not only about the comment, but also by the number of people who have "thanked" this comment.

You are in a relationship, and find something shocking, so the first thing you do is to finish the relationship???

Surely you would try and work through (a) what the issue is and then (b) If either of you can accept or comprimise over the issue. There is a reason why the two got together, so surely it would be worth trying to save the relationship?

Honestly, the reason why divorce is so high, it seems because of people think comments this.

Admittedly, it seems like he has issues - calling you names is not on. And the relationship may well end, but to me this is always the last resort after everything else has been explored.

delain

I'd take the bag down the tip yourself without any further comment. If he asks where it is, you know he wanted them.

If he asks why you did it just say that you thought you'd save him the bother.

Also check the sizing, if they're lots of sizes/styles they probably arent all from the same person!

Emmzi

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Honestly, the reason why divorce is so high, it seems because of people think comments this.

Admittedly, it seems like he has issues - calling you names is not on. And the relationship may well end, but to me this is always the last resort after everything else has been explored.

Most people want a partner, not a project. and when there are millions of decent people who don't talk to other people like they are dirt, why would you invest in a project that doesn't want to fix itself?

Life is for living, it's short, and it should be fun. He doesn't sound like he's actively seeking help himself.

And actually I don't care about the knickers. I do care about the secrecy, the lying, and way he is treating OP.

jellyhead

suki1001 wrote: »

It would really concern me where he was getting them from. I wouldn't dismiss it as just a fetish.

Online, probably.

I once sold a used bra. It was velvet and very pretty, but I'd had a baby and it didn't fit anymore, and had only been worn a couple of times. You couldn't really see the details in photos, so I took one of me wearing it, but you couldn't see much of me.

I looked at other listings and they seemed to explicitly state that the item would be washed before posting - so I said that. Obviously I did wash it, but afterwards I realised that people were saying that to comply with the rules, and the bidding went higher than the cost of the bra new. I hope the buyer got it for his girlfriend, but afterwards I did wonder if he'd been expecting a used one, and had looked at the pic of my saggy, freckled boobs in 'that' way

The fetish wouldn't concern me, but the way he talks to his wife would be a concern.

bargainbetty

Lots of people have fetishes, and he might be incredibly embarrassed that his has been found out. Perhaps asking him to throw those ones away and 'use' a pair of yours might let him realise that he doesn't need to be afraid of telling you. Throw away the manky old stuff, and have a bit of fun with it.

Then tell him that the name-calling and verbal abuse stop now. Not 'need' to stop, but will stop now. If you can accept his fetish, then you are showing him a love and understanding that needs to be treated with respect. You deserve to be treated with respect, and he needs to grow up and stop lashing out.

Good luck

Scorpio33

Emmzi wrote: »

Most people want a partner, not a project. and when there are millions of decent people who don't talk to other people like they are dirt, why would you invest in a project that doesn't want to fix itself?

Life is for living, it's short, and it should be fun. He doesn't sound like he's actively seeking help himself.

And actually I don't care about the knickers. I do care about the secrecy, the lying, and way he is treating OP.

Why do you think he needs "fixing"?

He may not even realise he is doing wrong. He may not even realise what he is doing. We are all humans and everyone makes mistakes - it is not the mistakes you make it is how you learn from them that counts.

Tell him what he has been doing, why it is wrong, and give him time to change. If he can't change, then by all means finish it.

If I finished a relationship everytime my partner (and exes for that matter) made a mistake, then I would be a very lonely person indeed.

tea_lover

Scorpio33 wrote: »

If I finished a relationship everytime my partner (and exes for that matter) made a mistake, then I would be a very lonely person indeed.

If you put up with a relationship where you're lied to, treated with no respect, insulted and made to feel stupid you would be a very unhappy person indeed.