Husband has made me feel like nothing..

balletshoes

ihatethesenowiamone wrote: »

He says he wants me and only me and does fancy me... but when we argue, he calls me fat and ugly and smelly (i have put on some weight but am not huge lol...i dont THINK i am too ugly as i have never wanted for attention before i was with him and as for smelly....i am not lol!)

Sorry for long rant - just wanted to sound off to be fair and get out the anger that i am feeling!

okay, forget the 10-year old bag of his ex's used undies (weird, but you know him, maybe its plausable).
Calling you names when you argue though, thats not on, not even once. Thats only done to hurt you, he knows it will hurt and thats why he's doing it. Sorry but to me thats the disrespectful thing in this whole story, not the decade-old underwear in the garage (I'd just sling that in the bin myself to be honest).

I don't think I could live with someone who has so little respect for my feelings - it would grind me down and make me feel, as you do, worthless. You, me and every other human being deserves better.

amyloofoo

There are very few scenarios in which what he's done is going to be acceptable, and what he's currently doing (i.e. lying about it) is certainly not. You and he both know these aren't his ex's so you need to ask him to tell you the truth and decide what to do from there. If he persists in lying, then along with the !!!!!! and chat lines, I think I'd know what to think of him.

As for the verbal / emotional abuse of you... how is this acceptable? What is your relationship like the rest of the time? Does he snap and say mean things just during arguments, or is he regularly uncaring of your feelings? Tbh, I think this is probably the bigger issue; and if you want to stay with him then I think it might be worth talking it out with professionals. The people at Relate or another relationship counselling group may be able to help long-term with your relationship issues.

diable

Maybe they are his and he wears them?

Gleek

Surely if it was just 10 year old dirty washing you'd have smelt it a long time since....? _pale_

dottydee854

Didn't want to read and run. I feel for you. It's horrible when you find out a dirty secret, i second what someone said above, do the dates of the mags corrialte with what you husband is saying?? If it doesn't then you know there is something not right.....Have you checked your history on the computer lately? He might be smart, but sometimes people leave trails (how i found out in the past about the websites) And possible emails? I'd hate to snoop, but i had to in the end because i knew something wasn't right. As my partner never let me go on hotmail before he 'logged off' (he'd get all jumpy if he had left it logged on and i took the laptop he would insist and pry the laptop away from my hands) and low and behold adult websites. Lovely. But also at the time, we had no sex life, just had baby, he worked nights so not around ect ect. We have got past that now (thankfully) but do you feel he is lying? Because the way i see it, it's your gut. If you think he is and you don't believe him, being married, you must know him better than anyone if he is lying.

But the name calling is just wrong. I grew up with my dad being like that, and i hated it. Being called things like that brings you down and honestly i feel more concerned about that. Everyone says leave, but when in a marriage its not so simple. Have you thought maybe seeking advice? Maybe anger management for him (my dad went on one and its made a huge difference in our relationships) Marriage/relationship counsilling (sp? sorry) And if you love the guy its ten times harder.

Sorry its not much advice but sitting down talking and going with your gut might be the only way. Big hugs.

Oh and i totally understand the new id name. Dont need to justify yourself to strangers lol

Love x

mrcow

If he thinks that you'd seriously believe that those knickers belonged to an ex, then he thinks you're an idiot.

They no more belong to her than they do to me. He has purchased them. You need to decide what you want to. He either needs to stop lying, or needs to find better places to hide things.

ihatethesenowiamone

He has just stropped off outside for ciggie... thanks for the replies. Will try to ansa things! He doesnt go on internet at all ever and if i am honest i dont think he has cheated on me with someone else since we have lived together etc... I DO believe that they probably belong to the ex..... i can remember going to his room in parents house and seeing various minging stuff like that but this was many years ago and i honestly though he would have just got rid of them! He IS EXTREMELY lazy though he would never admit it and yes, i can see it being true in that sense.

We have just had a bit of a shouting match and he has said some nasty things. Not the things i mentioned before....it is like when he is in a corner, he will just shut down and then when REALLY goaded, will lash out..... i know i shouldnt "go on" but i need answers etc i need to know he understands how i am hurting about this.... so i go on and on til he answers then he gets angry (think teen boy!) and says things that, when calm, he will say arent true and will say "of course i dont mean them" etc.....

I ashamed to admit it, but last night we had sex... and i thought he wanted it etc, though i was slightly worried that he was doing it as "make up for what i have done and thent things'll be fine" sex....... He has just said to me "you made me have sex last night".... he then said "when i said no, you talked me round" (neither true in my mind thats for sure!)

I feel pain at those words - and the worst part is, i never quite know if he is being hurtful and lashing out or just saying what he really honestly thinks

thistledome

Sorry, but being "extremely lazy" is not a reason for keeping a bag of soiled Women's knickers and !!!!!! mags in one's garage. They are for masturbating with, regardless of who they belong to. He hasn't thrown them away because he wants them, not because he can't be bothered.

dottydee854

Ahhh teenage boy act! Gotta love it :P OH seems to go into paddys when he deep down knows im right (though hates to admit it) So, you've establised what you think is true. Having a cigg, calm down, go in and maybe talk, tell him no shouting just calm. how you feel. Finding the underwear. That you believe him but you guys need to work this through. Maybe tak about having relationship guidance. And if the name calling doesnt stop, and doesnt cahnge then getting some help with anger managment (trust me, its not just for violent people) It is hard to know when its true and when its not. I hate to see people in that position as i know how it felt. Degraded. But usually its done when they have nothing else to defend themselves with and feel vunerable. Im sure your not the nasty things he calls you. To me you seem very polite and switched on and lovely. But if things don't change then eventually your going to get fed up and leave.

Regarding the sex....you talked him around?? made me chuckle. If he doesn't want it you couldnt force him lmao.

Ever need a chat. Im here

x

marleyboy

Sorry OP but storing X's underwear in a bag with !!!!!! mysteriously found in the bedroom during a clean, is just not something any normal man would do.

Particularly this odd notion that to dump it would be too risky in case someone traced it back to them. One would assume a bloke would be more concerned of their OH finding it than some complete stranger who routes through rubbish bags.

Enough underwear to fill a bag would also ring alarm bells, I am no woman, but would assume a woman might just notice such a large volume of their underwear disappearing.

Maybe he has a fetish, maybe he wears them discreetly, its where he gets them from I would find more concerning. Does he buy them, or steal them from washing lines, or are they trophies. You can see why such a bag would be dumped instantly by any normal bloke if all was innocent, nobody wants rumours to emerge from such evidence.