Angry..do you see this as ok?

Fosterdog

OP you are right to be angry.

Where I work is full of that sort of banter (and others) it's always intended and taken as a joke. I have in the past taken that outside work with some flirty texts but I was single at the time and so was the other person. Although it never came to anything it got very close and it was only because of certain circumstances that it didn't go further.

I am now in a long term relationship and while I still banter at work it's not at the same level as it used to and nothing sexual towards others at all, I have too much respect for OH to ever do that to him. If someone did say something sexual towards me now I would dismiss it in work but if they text me from outside work then I would tell them it's out of order.

I know my OH and one of his friends of 20+ years text things like "give her one from me" whenever they talk about us girlfriends but it's from an old joke going back years, I see it as childish but they don't upset or offend me because I know there's no harm meant by it.

OH calls women at work "babe" but again I know that's just a friendly nickname for them that he also uses for members of his family so it doesn't bother me but if he called them by his nickname for me I would get upset.

There's no harm in banter but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, those lines are in different places depending on whether both parties are single and that they are both comfortable with the banter. IMO your OH has crossed that line and is bang out of order, he needs more respect for you.

MeganKate

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I have just read this whole thread and overwhelming agree with the majority of poster. This is so inappropriate and over the line, I cannot even see the line!

The only time I have ever talked sauce to someone via text or emais is someone I am in a sexual relationship or am about to embark on one.

It does not matter the wheres and wherefores, this is not rigt for you and you need to draw that line.

When I first got with my oh he had been singe for several years and was into !!!!!! (I found out later on). at the beginnig of our relationship I we agreed to be exclusive. For me that meant saving myself sexually for him exclusively. I then discovered he felt getting off regularly over women on the internet. This was NOT acceptable to me, and I know many other women who wouldn't have a problem with it. But for me when I said "exclusively" it did not mean "except for the millions of women on the internet. I personally get off on a real person, flirting, the thrill of the chase but I gave that up to be with him. So bottom line was this isn't ok for me and if it is no longer exclusive then whey hey I'll also get my thrills outside of our relationship and we'll see where it goes. He decided no he wanted to be with me. Its your life and you define the rules, he decides to except them or not. You need to have respect for what is and isn't ok for you and draw that line. if he doesn't want that then the consequence is he can't be with you. If you don't draw your boundary then he will walk all over you.

Really? you dont alow your OH to look at !!!!!!?? do you have sex with him 5 times a day to make up for that?

Do you not think that is a bit controlling?

determined_new_ms

MeganKate wrote: »

Really? you dont alow your OH to look at !!!!!!?? do you have sex with him 5 times a day to make up for that?

Do you not think that is a bit controlling?

Its certainly not about "allowing". No I don't think its controlling, its the rules I define for my own life. He had a choice to accept our life which is a compromise between how we both want to live

I don't want a partner who would rather get off on random women who are paid to "act" like she enjoys sex in a very phallocentric way (I have no doubt that some do and that some don't, but I've never met a women who has told me they have had orgasms while fellating someone) rather than have actual sex with someone who wants to have sex with him and does genuinely enjoy being with him.

Don't get me wrong I'm not naive and I have no doubt that he does sometimes but we are talking about an issue which is quite common for men that have been single for a very long time and their sex life revolves around !!!!!!. And it wasn't an occassional thing

I would think it was controlling if I told him he can't do something. I don't think its controlling to say this isn't ok for me and I'm not happy to accept it. It was then up to him to decide if that was ok for him or to chose he wanted to be with someone who is ok with pron. I love him so if he felt the compromises he had to make to be with me were to much, I would have wished him all the best with his life as sad as I would have been. But in the end this is my life and it has to have enough of the things I need in it and not too much of the things I'm not happy with.

I don't have to "have sex with him 5 times a day to make up for" the fact that he should sacrifice having sex with/at other women

and to end I'm not about to disclose the frequency of our intimate life with anyone on MSE! :rotfl:

MeganKate

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Its certainly not about "allowing". No I don't think its controlling, its the rules I define for my own life. He had a choice to accept our life which is a compromise between how we both want to live

I don't want a partner who would rather get off on random women who are paid to "act" like she enjoys sex in a very phallocentric way (I have no doubt that some do and that some don't, but I've never met a women who has told me they have had orgasms while fellating someone) rather than have actual sex with someone who wants to have sex with him and does genuinely enjoy being with him.

Don't get me wrong I'm not naive and I have no doubt that he does sometimes but we are talking about an issue which is quite common for men that have been single for a very long time and their sex life revolves around !!!!!!. And it wasn't an occassional thing

I would think it was controlling if I told him he can't do something. I don't think its controlling to say this isn't ok for me and I'm not happy to accept it. It was then up to him to decide if that was ok for him or to chose he wanted to be with someone who is ok with pron. I love him so if he felt the compromises he had to make to be with me were to much, I would have wished him all the best with his life as sad as I would have been. But in the end this is my life and it has to have enough of the things I need in it and not too much of the things I'm not happy with.

and to end I'm not about to disclose the frequency of our intimate life with anyone on MSE! :rotfl:

Sorry I just find it a bit odd..

I watch !!!!!! and I would be horrified if anyone told me I couldnt! what I do in my spare time is up to me, its not like I am having sex with someone else!

You can still have sex with a real person and enjoy watching !!!!!!. it doesnt have to be either or.

I would personally much prefer to know what my man was doing than for them to go behind my back (which, believe me, they will)

Just noticed your edit. I have a friend (male) who has a very high sex drive. He is happy with his wife, but she cant keep up with what he wants/needs so he uses !!!!!!. If she were to not allow him to do so, he would probably end up straying.

determined_new_ms

MeganKate wrote: »

Sorry I just find it a bit odd..

I watch !!!!!! and I would be horrified if anyone told me I couldnt! what I do in my spare time is up to me, its not like I am having sex with someone else!

You can still have sex with a real person and enjoy watching !!!!!! - it doesnt have to be either or.

I would personally much prefer to know what my man was doing than for them to go behind my back (which, believe me, they will)

with all due respect, you don't know my man so you can't say what he would or wouldn't do. I can assure you he does not do this now other than occassionally. And we are talking about something that was a problem (we were not having sex and he was waiting until I had dropped off and sneaking off to the spare room)


Its a personal choice thing that we are all free to decide on. I have my reasons for feeling the way I do - I was woken up by an ex raping me while he was watching !!!!!! with a very disturbing look on his face, after that my feelings to it changed. That's my view and everyone is entitled to theirs. There are infinite ways to live life and each are as valid as each other, its about making choices you are ok with.

Also i should clarify I never "told" him he couldn't do anything. He can do anything he wants and I will support him but if he wants to do that then I will start getting my thrills outside of our relationship too which would obviously be a dangerous thing for us as there is potential that one of these little thrills could develop into something else. We had to have a lot of discussions around it and found a middle ground where we were both happy

onlyroz

fedupandstuff wrote: »

He did apologise sort of. He said that it was just him and his personality but if it makes me uncomfortable he wouldn't do it....

Does he realise that he is sexually harrassing this woman? :eek:

MeganKate

onlyroz wrote: »

Does he realise that he is sexually harrassing this woman? :eek:

Only if she doesnt want it?

onlyroz

MeganKate wrote: »

Only if she doesnt want it?

Well yes, but the man is claiming that it is "just his personality", implying that he thinks it's an appropriate comment to make to any woman.

*Louise*

Well, if I had read something like that on my OH's phone...if he didn't immediately show me the rest of the messages and assure me there was nothing to worry about then I would be hitting the roof.

As soon as someone starts being secretive with their phone/laptop it should be setting off warning signs - I've read enough stories on this forum to realise that the vast majority aren't planning a birthday surprise!

The fact he has laughed it off and tried to make YOUR feel stupid OP, speaks volumes about his lack of respect for your feelings.

jumpingjackd

I have not read the whole thread fully, so apologies, but from what I have read alarm bells are ringing! I would have him out the door! He is just not behaving in an appropriate manner with his work colleagues.
Dont let him make you feel paranoid, if he had nothing to hide he would be open about it

Just gone back and read all comments and still feel the same